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you became a chapter in my life, one I’d always go back to when i got the chance.

stories end, 

the lovers lose each other. 

battles are lost, 

the hero dies. 

the tragedy always lingers,

never fading.

all these stories,

all this sorrow

i never wanted this ending.

i never wanted you to stop loving me,

like you did.

but sometimes stories are just stories,

they don’t have to have meaning.

you can choose your own path,

write your own story,

because darling i would never have written our story this way,

with the ending it did. 

– you became a chapter in my life, one I’d always go back to when i got the chance.

Posted on by tashjcurry

– the stages of heartbreak –

i never knew that when your heart breaks that wouldn’t be the worse part, it would be what follows. it was the fading memories that you can’t seem to hold onto, even though your trying just to hold onto that feeling, even if it’s just for a little longer. sometimes i can still feel the ghost of the fantom pain of your hand in mine, your thumb running over my knuckles. i’m forgetting the feeling of you in my arms. i’m struggling to remember the sound of my name from your lips, and that one smile you reserved just for me, that twinkle in your eyes. sometimes the days blur in those moments, those feelings are slowly fading from my memory, but only sometimes there’ll be an echo. now i can’t remember out last kiss, the way it felt on my lips. and the ways you would whisper ‘ i love yous’ between kisses, and the little things like the sound of your laugh. it’s not even like i can rewrite them to try and recreate them, it’s in those moments of finding memories i wish for them all back, just to be able to relive them, to be able to write them down, just too hold onto. i wished you stayed because then the heartache meant you were still here with me, and not like this. maybe i’ll forget everything with time, but i don’t think my heart truly will. i think i’ll always remember, like the night you left, the tears streaming down your face, the way my voice broke when i begged you for a second chance, that i wanted you to stay. i’ll remember the aftermath that followed as we sat down on your front door step, the cold seeping in, i remember the pain in your voice when you said you didn’t love me. i wish heartbreak was easier, because i want to forget, i want to forget you. but someway i knew i never would, our story was never a happy one. and one day i’ll find peace with that.

– the stages of heartbreak. 

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maybe we’ll never truly know who left first. but i think we both know the truth, i’m sorry my love.

there will always be a part of my heart that will always hurt, will always ache for the piece you took when you left. a dull ache that i can’t shake. you left your mark on my heart. i wish i chose another path, i wish you could have stayed, told me everything was going to be okay. i’ll never forget that night, you broke my heart, i broke yours too. i should have stayed, i should have fought harder, i shouldn’t have said all those things that weren’t true. it would have been easier to say you shouldn’t have fallen for somebody new. but i’m not that person anymore. you broke my heart, and you should have hated me for what i did. i know i should have closed this book years ago, i should never have reopened is wound you left. sometimes i wish you could have been the one to have stayed, that i should have left first. but i guess that’s the difference between our story, to the ones telling it, because i know you’ll say i was the one to leave first. maybe i should have stayed. i wished you could have stayed, that the part of my heart, the piece that you took, wished that could you’d have just stayed. 

– maybe we’ll never truly know who left first. but i think we both know the truth, i’m sorry my love. 

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it was one of the many lies I had to tell myself.

“ You loved her. Didn’t you? You never stopped…” my therapist asked. 

“ Yeah I did. I really did ”.

“ Did she love you? ”. 

Silence filled the room, it was suffocating. That question had played on my mind for years, it was the question I locked away hoping that one day when I was stronger I could answer it truthfully, and today was not that day.

“ I don’t think so, she just loved the idea of me, it always felt like she wanted a better version. Or maybe she did, I just couldn’t see it. But now I’ll never know. “

 “ Will that not knowing torment you? ”

Yes. 

You didn’t tell him that you had already lost sleep, that that feeling she left made you sick to your stomach. You couldn’t tell him that you’d never felt a heartbreak quite like this, that you felt this enormous sense of guilt for what you did. That you truly believed that your heart would never be able to pull itself back together. How could you say that this loss haunted your soul, how could you say that her demons became mine.

I took a deep breath and answered.

“ No. That not knowing might just save me some torment ”.

– it was one of the many lies I had to tell myself. 

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second to the right, and straight on till morning.

It was always a bedtime story, a fading dream, one I could never quite shake. There was this feeling, a longing… it was there when the sun would set, when the sky went dark. The stars would shine as you tried to rest. But that feeling was always there, it never left, until you found Neverland. 

But the sad truth was that feeling never really went away, it had just subsided for a while. You were always searching for something, for a purpose. Every night you returned to those old London streets, with tired bloodshot eyes, sparkling in the light. You were always looking for the light. It wasn’t till one night, you stumbled across her house. It was the only house with the light still on, and oh my darling, all the adventures you’ll have. And I know you’ll fall for her. You’ll ask her to stay, because after her, Neverland never seemed too quiet. One day you know she’ll have to leave and I know you’ll think it’s because she doesn’t love you, that what else can you offer her. You’re left with that feeling in your chest that when she goes back got her old life, she’ll forget. 

You could have followed her back you know. But you chose to stay alone, you could’ve grown up, lived a happy life with her. But you chose the easy way out, you became just another sad story. One day she’ll remember, and maybe one day she’ll tell your story, one about a boy who chose never to grow up. Or maybe your fears will come true, maybe she’ll have forgottten you.

You became a bedtime story, filled with someones else’s dreams of a life you never had.

– second to the right, and straight on till morning.

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You wrote about her like she was the only love you’d ever know.

I never quite understood how a love like that could fall apart. How love couldn’t fix everything, that sometimes it’s not enough. That it wasn’t enough for me. That it couldn’t have been enough for you.

What if you were the one, what if I had just lost the love of my life? What if that one thought would torture me, leaving me with sleepless nights. Would we become one of those forgotten tragedies? Would we ever get our needed epilogue. Would I ever get my closure to end this heavy feeling in my heart. 

I wish sometimes I got a second chance with you, I’d have done things so differently. I wouldn’t have ran when things got serious. But then I might have never gone down this path, I might never have found myself and be who I needed. I might have still be pretending to be someone else, that’s a terrifying thought. Maybe I needed to lose you, but that doesn’t mean I liked dealing with that, the pain it brought.

Sometimes if I let my mind wander, there’s a different life out there for me. One’s where we were enough for each other. Sometimes that’s enough but still those thoughts can break your heart. I think I’ll be constantly living with a broken heart. I’ll always remember the time we had, and my love for you. But now things fade, everything getting distorted. Time was never kind, but then again neither was I. 

I couldn’t let go, I never could. You’d always be somewhere if not in my heart, in my words, never truly leaving me. And I hate that, because you’ll forget, move on and all that I’ll be left with is these words, that’s no comfort. It’ll never be enough for me, the memory of you.

– you wrote about her like she was the only love you’d ever know.

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history wont remember a love story between a boy and a half god, I’m sorry my dears you were always considered a tragedy.

one day i’ll sit down and write our story, but this time it wont end in tragedy. it will be a world in which we never had to face war, we got to be kids and grow into our youth. in this story, you my love were not a weapon created by war, made to give your life, and i wouldn’t have to follow you into the battlefield, i wouldn’t have to watch you become bloody and broken. i would have to lose you to a war that we could never have won because that was never our fate, we were always meant to lose. that became our history.

one day our story will be known as something more than a tragedy, i promise. 

–history wont remember a love story between a boy and a half god, I’m sorry my dears you were always considered a tragedy.

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you should have been more than just a love letter

i’m sorry i lost you,

i should have held your hand tighter

when i felt it slipping away.

i’m not sorry for loving you,

but i am sorry for never 

telling you sooner. 

i’m sorry that you will 

read these words when

you should have heard them.

i’m sorry that we never stood 

a chance to be more than 

these words.

–you should have been more than just a love letter.

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she always said love was a kind of killing.

maybe we were always meant to break each others hearts, maybe that’s the way our story would always go. but that doesn’t mean that our love wasn’t true, that we didn’t love each other with everything we had. maybe we never stood a chance to be more than that in this life, but maybe somewhere else we could be. maybe we could have been better for each other if only we let down our walls. if only we stopped to love each other rather than trying to find love in other people. my love we could have been so much more that what we were. and i came so close to seeing your heart before you broke mine. but the story was always going to be the same, we would always destroy each other in the name of love. 

–she always said love was a kind of killing.

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all i wanted was to ask for your love.

there were so many things i wrote down,

so you could never hear them.

all the things i wanted to say.

it wasn’t that i didn’t want to tell you,

because i did,

i do.

but every time i tried

i couldn’t.

i couldn’t tell you

i loved you.

because you never belonged to me,

you were always in love with someone else.

so i wrote them down

in the hopes of maybe one day

you’d realise everything i did

was because i loved you

even if you could never love me.

– all i wanted was to ask for your love.