what if i told you i loved you,
would that have changed anything?
would have it been a different story?
we were this almost,
but it was never enough
not for them,
not for us.
i almost told you i loved you,
you almost loved me.
i almost believed you,
you almost stayed.
we were an almost,
could have been,
something that never was,
in love.
– there was never more of a heartbreaking word than ‘almost’
You told me you love her as we sat outside, dawn was approaching, the cold setting in, at this point of our story alone you already have broken my heart too many times to count now. My heart shattered once again, why did I ever think this could be a happy story, why did I think we could have been something more than this, more than friends. I know you don’t love me, but I want you to know now because I’ve had too many sleepless nights wishing you were in my arms knowing you were in hers. And I want you to be happy, that’s all I wanted but the thought of you and her just kills me. I could tell you how long I’ve felt like this but somewhere overs the years my feeling for you kinda stuck up on me, looking back they were always there but I never believed anything could come of it because I couldn’t bare it if you didn’t love me, and I didn’t want another unrequited love. So those feeling I push back down into a box I would never open because I fear if I ever did I would have lost you. As we sat I could feel my heart aching as you said those words, the ones I longed to say about you. There was only once maybe there could have been the possibility of you and me, but as we stayed there words between us, all the ones I never said, all those I should have said to you when I had the chance. There was a pain hidden in my eyes but darling you could read me like a book. Somewhere deep down I think you knew how I felt, I had years to tell you I should never had waited till the end to write this hoping you’d see that it should have been me, that I wanted you. All I ever wanted was you.
– she’s in love with somebody else.
I think love for you will always be there
in the stories, poetry, letters
that I never sent.
Our love was not one to be remembered
in the history books.
It was not a great love story, an epic romance,
it would fade with time,
Like we did.
Maybe one day I can finally
let you go.
But today is not that day,
and I will love you till that
day comes.
But until then
I hope you know that I
held onto us for as long as I could.
Until those three words lost there meaning.
Maybe one day I will write about someone
other than you.
– but till that days comes, you will always be my biggest ‘what if’.
You never came home from the war,
it was always there even in your dreams.
You were always on the battlefield,
in no-mans land.
Your heart racing.
You believed this was your duty,
that you could be the weapon to
stop the war.
They never told you that after all this,
all the bloodshed, broken bones
you would find no peace.
Those shells came in waves,
in violent echos,
in the screams and explosions.
My love the world around you
is dying.
– you never came back from the war.
You looked exactly the same as you did five years ago, there was this sense of familiarity in your eyes, but you were a completely different person then, you use to make me happy. When I saw you my heart stopped, I was seventeen again. I was back there on your porch in the poring rain, you were crying in my arms, an amicable silence fell between us. You broke your heart that night and I let you.
It’s been so long my dear, we’ve changed, we drifted apart. We forgot each other. I still remember the girl I loved, the girl you were, but you’re not that person I fell in love with many years ago, and I’m not the same guy who loved you.
When I saw you with him, our love came back in waves of echo’s and all those thoughts and feelings I forgot over the years came flooding back. And for a brief second I was seventeen again and completely, madly in love with you.
– you looked like the girl i loved, yet you weren’t her.
If someone had told me five years ago, when this began, that this one girl would have been so important in my story.
I wouldn’t have believed you.
If someone told me that I would eventually fall for you, I would have laughed it off, hell even a year ago it wouldn’t have even passed my mind, the thought of loving you. Yet here we are and I’m sat writing this, rather than telling you how I feel.
So here lies a series of letters for you, for me. To be able to get this off my chest. To maybe, finally start to let you go.
Let’s begin where I realised I saw you as more than a friend. I couldn’t pin point the moment I started to like you, it probably creeped it’s way in over time because honestly it was impossible for someone not to love you. But for me it was probably around Christmas time, on that cold December night. The snow hadn’t started to fall yet but I always hoped it would. We were on a night out, which happened every Christmas and you looked beautiful as always. Up to this moment in time I’d had some pretty fleeting moments with you, which started to lead me to falling down that rabbit hole of endless possibilities of maybes of hopes of some days. Like maybe, just maybe this could mean something, this could be real, you and me. We were always playful, that constant back a forth. I never thought I’d have to question it, that it was our thing we’d always been like that since the day we met, but how wrong was I, you did this with everyone and I wasn’t special. And it hurt because I wanted to mean something to you.
You were the only one holding together my broken heart, because on that night I saw her again. I hadn’t seen her for almost a year since she left, and I know she was your friend but I had loved her for a long time but I could never call her mine, I never had the chance because she had him. And she deserved better, she deserved someone who would love her wholeheartedly. It didn’t help that a few weeks before that night you told me that she ended it, and she deserved so much better than him and a part of me always wished I could have had that chance, if only I had the courage, if only I had found the right words. But if I ever did, my heartbreak, this story wouldn’t have led me to you.
It was under the neon lights where she looked happier, care free, like the girl I had loved all those months ago. She was with some of her friends laughing and dancing to the music, but when our eyes finally met, she smiled and somewhere, somehow we collided in the mists of people like nothing else mattered and honestly I melted into her arms and everything for a second fell back into place, like we hadn’t been apart, like nothing had changed. Like she didn’t leave me with a broken heart all those months ago. We held each other for what felt like an eternity but I knew I needed to let go.
That’s enough about her, this was always going to be about you and me.
After that reunion I needed some air but somehow I always found my way back to you after I finished chatting to some people I knew outside. You were in the middle of the dance floor, you’d had a few drinks but that never stopped you, you always went after what you wanted, what made you happy. You pulled me in for a dance, and I hate dancing but I never minded it when it was with you but we were interrupted by the guy who had a crush on you, and he took you away to ‘talk‘. And you left me watching as you went. As the night flew by, with a few fleeting glances here and there, I called it a night.
I went to say goodbye to her I needed to let her go but foolishly I let myself be pulled back in to our bubble, she made me feel like we were the only two in the room. I knew that I wouldn’t see her again for a long time so I gave in, as she was in my arms I held her tight trying to savor the moment like nothing else mattered as she buried her head into my chest, we stood like that on the dance floor for quite some time, it was now or never and I stupidly let slip that I missed her, she laughed and tighten her grip on me. My heart rapidly beated out my chest waiting for her response. “I miss you too”. You broke my heart for a second time that night and I knew I had to leave and it pained me as tried to remember how safe I felt in your arms. No matter what I felt for her I would always come back to you.
You were at the bar when I found you, and as we said goodnight you pulled me into your arms. You were never a hugger but I like to think that with me that changed. As I pulled to go, you kissed my cheek and I havent forgotten it since.
It was that one that cold December night when you kissed me everything changed, but sometimes I wish it didn’t because out of all these crushes and hopeless fantasies, you’re the one that I don’t think I can get over, the one I can’t forget.
love always.
tash
you should have told her,
that she gave you butterflies
and made your palms sweaty
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
that her voice was the one
you’d hear in a crowded room.
that you wanted to listen to that laugh
for the rest of your life.
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
that when she kissed your cheek
for the first time, it fixed your
broken heart and reawakened
your soul.
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
that night you were scared.
that to love her,
would mean
you’d be in ruin.
you couldn’t face what it would mean
if she didn’t love you.
you were scared that eventually after
all this time to listen to your heart
you’d loose her and her love.
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
outside on that cold january night
that she was worth the risk of heartbreak.
that looking into her eyes hoping
she wouldn’t see past your facade,
that the truth was beating out of your chest.
you should have told her the truth
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
that if you kissed her it wouldn’t
be a meaningless kiss.
it would always be more than that.
she’d always mean more than that.
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
you were falling in love
before she fell for
someone else.
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
that seeing her with someone
else was slowly breaking your heart.
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
that you could be that
person she wanted.
that you’d love her forever
if she’d let you.
but you didn’t.
you should have told her,
to stay.
that when she left you’d be
missing half of yourself,
you’d only be half whole.
but you didn’t.
i should have told you,
i loved you
but i didn’t.
– things i should have told you, but didn’t.//t.c
i know you’re in love her,
and you’re happy.
and i don’t want to ruin that
because i love you that that’s
the selfless thing to do.
just to let you be,
and maybe
let this die
but i need to say it,
if not to you
for myself
i’ve loved you for a very long time,
probably longer than i realised.
i just didn’t realise until i was too late,
too late to tell you.
now you’re happy with her,
after thinking you might never find
happiness.
i wish i could have told you that you
my love deserved all the happiness in
the world.
and after everything i’m ready to admit
that i could have given it to you.
that you could have been happy with me.
if only you knew
how many times
i should have told you
i love you.
maybe i should have held
onto you tighter,
when i had the chance.
maybe i should have done
a lot of things
differently with us,
and this wouldn’t have ended with
a broken heart and these letters of a
lost love.
– this is my advice, go tell her now.
what if i told you i loved you,
would that have changed anything?
would have it been a different story?
we were this almost,
but it was never enough
not for them,
not for us.
i almost told you i loved you,
you almost loved me.
i almost believed you,
you almost stayed.
we were an almost,
could have been,
something that never was,
in love.
– there was never more of a heartbreaking word than ‘almost’.
you’re gone.
it’s been a while since
you left.
and i’m sad,
lonely.
there’s this space
where my heart should be,
you took that
before you left.
i loved you.
i think i always will…
why did i never tell you?
this could have been a
completely different
story.
-i hope one day you might come back and i can change this ending.
tash writes 