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you were a dream i wanted to come true for a very long time. you were a dream that i loved, one that still gives me deja vu.

i saw you and there was this weird deja vu i hadn’t felt for a very long time. suddenly i was back in a memory, where you were still here with me. i was twenty one again and slowly falling in love with you and we had all the time in the world. i didn’t think i’d ever see you again after that party in november but i’m glad i did. i didn’t know how it was possible to miss a person that much and when i saw you again, in your arms i was at ease. i just wanted to hold you and never let you go. letting you go the first time was agonising enough. 

but i guess heartbreak can strike twice, that was the night you told me you were leaving, moving further away from me. this would be the last time i saw you. there were never enough words to describe the feelings i had for you. i was just so happy to see you even though you we breaking my heart again.

that night it felt i was living in a memory, a happy one. as we parted off into the night, the final goodbyes looming, i should have said ‘it always good to see you. you don’t realise how much i’ve missed you’. but there was only silence until you said ‘one day i’m going to ring you and find out all the incredible things you’ve done’. i love you was on the tip of my tongue in that empty car park under the stars. we were never going to be here again.  

i should have told you so many things that night but what good would have come from telling you how much i loved you. i watched you for a second time walk out my life not knowing if i’d ever see you again and that was a tragedy.

– you were a dream i wanted to come true for a very long time. you were a dream that i loved, one that still gives me deja vu. 

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it was the night before december and all was well.

it had been years, and the feelings i had for you became easier to live with. but it was that night in november when i saw you again. i had seen you from a distance from across the room and my heart just ached. i didn’t expect to feel this way again. yet it came to the end of the night as i was saying my goodbyes, i couldn’t leave without seeing you, i wouldn’t have forgiven myself. you were at the bar, my hand naturally went to reach out for you, as you turned around, you smiled. and in that moment i was twenty-one again, completely and madly in love with you. as you hugged me, relief washed over me as i held on to you tighter. i had forgotten how you made me feel. and in that moment i missed you and everything we could have been if only we had the time. as we broke our embrace, your hand went to cup my face, you looked into my eyes. i hope you saw everything i meant to say all those years ago. it had been years but every time i would see you, it was like those feelings never truly left. 

– it was the night before december and all was well.

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if only i could have told you i was in love with you as winter turned to spring.

as we sat in ‘our’ little coffee shop, on the corner, over looking the gardens with passers by walking down the street. i turned to look at you and i was entranced in a memory, deja vu washed over me. it had been so long since we’d been here, together. it had been so long since i saw you last. we were sat opposite each other like we used too, but now there was this noticeable distance between us, made up from months apart and maybe the realisation that i had loved you as more than a friend. i wanted to tell you that it had been a long year without you darling. i hated not being in your life, i hated you leaving, i hated the missed chances but most of all i hated the hollow feeling in my heart. i still couldn’t believe that you were here with me, in the hear and now, it felt foreign, almost like a dream. you still made my palm sweaty and my heart race. the year had been so long yet i was still in love with you and i couldn’t keep lying to myself. there was so much i wanted to say, so much i needed to confess but you were happy so i exhaled and smiled, listened to your stories about your travels and hoped that it would be enough to mend my broken heart. i hoped it would be enough to move on, to let you go. 

–if only i could have told you i was in love with you as winter turned to spring.

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supermarket checkouts, darling i’d like to buy a new heart.

i saw you in the supermarket, this time it wasn’t a dream. there were so many times i wanted to see you, so many times i wanted to reach out just to ask you how you’ve been. tell you that i miss you. there was so many things i wanted to tell you, so many things i should have told you.

but there you were, stood at the checkout, i didn’t see you first but i saw her and my heart i knew you there, and seconds later you were by her side. i don’t think you saw me, i’m grateful you didn’t. i stoped for a second, i held my breath and my heart didn’t break at the sight of you two, maybe i had finally let you go. i did feel sad, i think i always will with missed opportunities, especially when it comes to you. i allowed myself to look just for a moment, you hadn’t changed but then again i couldn’t say that, two years past and at first it felt like an eternity. isn’t it sad that we lost touch but i couldn’t have loved you like this when you loved her. and i always will say this, i’m glad you’re happy, you deserve it. i loved you for too long without saying anything so i can’t blame you for loving another. 

as i was leaving i expected you to be gone. i didn’t have to hold my breath, my heart went back to normal. yet there you were walking towards the flowers, towards her, your home. i took one last look and walked towards the exit hoping my heart would do the same. 

–supermarket checkouts, darling i’d like to by a new heart. 

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like icarus my love we came too close to the sun. 

oh my darling, 

they will call you icarus  

for loving the sun too fiercely

what a tragedy

to yearn for something 

you’ll never be able to touch

without getting burned. 

my poor icarus,

oh how you will burn for love,

yet to only feel it once

my heart breaks for you.

history will remember you,

for being the first to fly 

that close to the sun just to feel 

it’s warmth.

they’ll also remember you for

your fall from grace

into the icy depths of the sea

but you never feared falling,

it was the not knowing 

how it felt to be loved by the sun.

i’m sorry my love,

for history will forget 

your sun kissed heart. 

– like icarus my love we came too close to the sun. 

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i wish i could have saved our friendship

nothing ever prepared me for losing you. i remember that feeling, the pit in my chest when i knew you started to pull away from me. i wish now looking back we could have just talked about it, i never wanted her. i would have always chosen you, every time because i loved you. but you never talked about it, you never gave me that chance but i guess you were just protecting your heart. i remember our last trip, i wish i could remember it clearly, i wish i could remember the way you smiled and the sound of your laugh. i wanted so badly for that trip to make you realise you didn’t have to make that decision for us, that we could have worked it out, that it was worth working it out. i think that was the last time you loved me, i wonder if it broke your heart like it did mine. for me i couldn’t stop that easily, how do you manage to cut someone out your life like that. you were my best friend. it was hard leaving knowing what was to come when we touched down, it was like trying to savour every moment whilst your heart was slowly breaking. i remember holding your hand until we got back home, the realisation setting in that we’d have to let go and i wasn’t going to. with one squeeze i looked into your eyes, i was already tearing up as i pulled you into me, hoping it would convey everything i tried to say in our last embrace. we knew we’d have to let go eventually but we just stayed there holding each other. i was never prepared for watching you walk out my life. 

– i wish i could have saved our friendship. 

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i can finally say time has healed all memory of you.

it was on that rainy november night three hearts broke. as we stood in the pouring rain on your porch steps, the cold seeping it’s way into my bones. i stood facing the women i loved, i knew a chapter was closing as i reached for her hand, the tears falling from her face. for i knew in my heart it wasn’t just the chapter ending it was the book. there was nothing left to do, there was nothing i could do she made the choice for the both of us. we wouldn’t be the same after this. there would be nothing left after that night. 

the rain pored down but it didn’t matter as we were in our own world, if was the last time i’d ever see her i should have held her tighter. we just stood holding each other. i kept saying ‘it’s okay’, that was lie i told myself and it didn’t help. what i should have said was ‘ i love you. please don’t give up on us’. 

i remember leaving, walking away from you, my heart broke with every step. i walked your street so many times i didn’t know it would become a memory from another time when i left. i never thought then you’d become a memory. but you made that choice for me, so there was no other option. you became a memory constantly fading from my heart ever since i left you on that porch in the pouring rain. 

oh how you broke so many hearts. 

–i can finally say time has healed all memory of you. 

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it was one of the many versions of us.

there would be no happy endings.

for history would no allow 

two lovers to end up happy

not here, not now

nor this place.

it was not their fate.

but by the laws of the universe,

the morals of stories,

maybe if we could rewrite history,

there would have to be…

there’s got to be somewhere…

there has to be a place 

where we’re happy,

where we’re not some forgotten tragedy.

and that’s enough for me 

knowing we exist somewhere,

a better place than here,

the life we live now.

that there’s different incarnations of us,

parallel stories, second chances

because i can’t believe, 

i wont accept 

we only get the one story, 

the one lifetime. 

because for me i’d always want more. 

and if i could, i’d love you in every life.

i hope you know i would. 

and sometimes it breaks my heart 

knowing it wasn’t here and now.

–it was one of the many versions of us. 

Posted on by tashjcurry

time heals everything but you

i hate the how they say time heals all wounds, truth be told it doesn’t. because it still hurts the sound of your name, a fading memory, the old pictures. my heart breaks still when i see you, it’s less frequent now and i don’t know if i should be relived or just sad because we’re not the same, you not the person i fell in love with. our conversations become shorter, the texts i send never get a reply. i hate how time has done this to us. 

i love you and time has made a mockery of my words because darling there’s still so much i have to say but i just don’t know how. it’s not like before. we’re not as close as we once were, but i still miss you like it was yesterday. darling i have these words, i just wouldn’t know where to start. maybe i’m holding onto something that ended long ago and time still hasn’t caught up with my heart telling me it’s time to move on, to let you go. 

i wish i could heal and move on, find someone new. instead of trying to write chapters of a book that finished years ago. i’ve been in love with you for seven years and there are too many unsaid ‘i love you’s’, scattered in these letters. so many words unsaid left in this broken heart of mine, these letters of a lost love just fading, left to dust after all these years. 

darling, these words never sounded the same after you.

–time heals everything but you. 

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just in case….

it’s been too long,

the years have taken 

it tole on this 

withered heart. 

am i allowed to

say i still miss you?

or has too much

time passed?

is it cruel to wish 

that you feel the same.

that sometimes i hope 

you think of me,

and all we used to be.

i wish things were

different. 

i wish i didn’t feel 

like this.

i wish i could leave 

you in the past.

but know a part of me 

will always be here

loving you in 

these pages. 

–just in case….