my heart became a graveyard,
i don’t ever think time could heal
it belonged to the
echos of lost loves,
the forgotten memories.
darling it’s been years
and i’m still being
haunted by you,
i’m here among the living
loving a forgotten feeling
trying to find you still
in the eyes of other people.
i fear i always will.
i’m still loving
an echo of a memory
that time can’t touch.
–i fear that time can’t heal the heartbreak of you.
i’ll always have regrets
when it comes to you.
i was foolish letting time
just pass me by,
thinking you’d wait for
when i was ready.
i regret not having the
courage to tell you how i felt,
when it was fucking obvious
that i loved you.
i wish it was easier for me,
to just admit how i’m feeling
because there was so many
times i should have said
‘i love you’,
but i chose that i
wasn’t going to be
that person for you,
i couldn’t,
i wouldn’t
be the one to ruin us.
and that fear,
that fucking fear
broke my heart
because i lost out on you.
i regret not realising sooner
my feelings all those years ago.
it made sense, i hated when
you left.
each time my heart broke.
it never got easier watching
you leave.
it never got easier loving you
when you loved another.
my love, it never got easier
living with the regret of you.
– the regret of you still breaks my heart.
you were sat opposite me,
darling it had been so long.
i’d longed for this moment,
just to see you.
i wanted to tell you
that i missed you.
that a year without you
killed me
in many ways,
it brought an uncontrollable sadness.
yet i couldn’t tell you the truth,
because a year apart had changed us.
but still i felt the same,
i still loved you.
i’ve loved you for a lifetime.
it feels like.
so we sat and talked,
we fell back into each other,
and oh how it hurt my broken heart.
because you loved another.
you were here
and still somehow
i was still missing you.
-time chages us, i guess my love changed too.
your first love was a boy, who was handsome, hot headed, heartless is what he became. i’m sorry he never cared for you or anybody else, for i think he just craved love and was never satisfied with the feeling. and i know you loved him longer than you should. but as the years passed you loved others but i don’t think you liked the whole idea of the lessons learned by loosing, by your heartbreaking, by leaving.
you hated him, the way he used you but you hated him more because you still loved him even when he left, it took years to shake that feeling. that young love tainted with remorse. i hated the way i’d always ask myself:
‘why was i never enough for you’.
‘why did you fucking leave me…. over and over again’.
‘why did i let you take my love because you never deserved it’.
i hate that in the years we spent together, your anger became mine, you never gave me love just hatred.
you were a broken boy and foolishly i loved you with everything i had, but with all that anger and all that hatred i never feared falling because you never made me whole darling, so tell me how could i break?
-first love, lessons learned.
the city felt lonely. there was this sadness, an emptiness. my heart could feel the cold seeping in. as i walked the crowed street i went to reach for your hand, you weren’t there. i stopped dead in my tracks. you were a memory.
that’s all i had let of you, memories. there was nothing else, you took everything when you left. my heart was empty, and the city was home to all this heartbreak. as i walked the streets i was reminded of you. nothing else.
how could this city haunt me, how could it break my heart. how could i keep walking these streets, knowing they were leading me back to you.
–the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.
some people never get closure, i never thought we would. but it came two years too late for us. i remember receiving your text, hands shaking, hovering over the message. it felt like i’d waited a lifetime just to hear from you again. it was polite the exchange of words, neither of us saying what we really wanted, how much we were still hurting. i wish then i could have said that i missed you, that i’d been missing you everyday since i broke your heart. i wish i could have said i was sorry, sorry that it took me so long to realise i wasn’t the only one hurting.
our words, the conversation was too kind for what we were. it was too kind on a bitter heart of mine. i knew we didn’t have long, i don’t know why you reached out but i’m thankful you did. as the year faded it left us at a crossroads, this heart of mine knew it was time to close the book, we experienced the end. as we said goodbye, i knew we’d have to leave ourselves there for sometime, to never return, for i could not go back.
–we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.
i remember that trip, i should have been happy. i was where i was meant to be. it was the place i’d hope to call home one day. but when i was there all i could think about was you, and how stupid i was for letting you go. i was heartbroken that summer. and i wonder if you were. i never knew who i was, sometimes i wonder if i’ll never know but back then the one thing i knew for sure was that i was falling in love with you. and i think a part of me will carry that with me, always. that city will always be home to my heartbreak, it will always hold my memories of you. for i hope one day i will be able to go back and remember the memory of you and know that feeling finally faded.
–new york. new york.
this was the first christmas where i wasn’t missing you, i wasn’t sad that you weren’t with me. it didn’t snow this year but sometimes we don’t get everything we wished for. it was the year where i could finally sit and watch ‘la la land’ without crying in the final fifteen minutes. i was happy, content with the fact that this year my heart didn’t ache like it used too when the cold came and the nights became darker. i think i was finally healing after so long of breaking. i didn’t miss you, but in the last few minutes as the clock was going to strike dawn i did think of you and hoped you were happy. that i wish you nothing but the best for you my love. but the final wish was for me not you, too many of them had been for you. next year i would ask for love, and as the last days of december approached i hoped that for the new year would bring me some joy. but then in the last few minutes under the christmas lights, the movie playing in the background i allowed myself to think of you, one last time.
–my last christmas wish.
you loved girl
who was filled with a fiery rage,
with this anger,
with war.
with time
tragedy became her
but she was so much more
than that.
she held oceans in her eyes,
had galaxies in her heart,
there was stars in her blood.
she was a goddess,
and how could i love her?
with bloody knuckles,
broken bones,
fighting a losing war.
i was no god,
just a solider.
a weapon.
how could she love me?
after what i’d done,
all i endured.
i was damned,
left for ruin.
war was not kind on the living.
it never was,
yet she loved me all the same.
for i believe
she took my heart
and i’d be damned to love her
with every part of my soul.
for i would always welcome ruin
if it meant i could keep
loving her.
– i was just a soldier who gave their heart to a goddess.
I know I’m lost, but I’m somewhere within these memories. Yet I know I should leave, that I can’t stay. But there is peace in knowing somewhere within these memories I’m still with you.
I’m trying to remember the good, that maybe if we got a second chance things would be different. That we could have been different, if only to forget. I just don’t want to forget what we had, and all these memories. I know with time, we’ll fade, that it’ll be gone. I just want to enjoy those memories of you. Those were the times where I was happy.
The world will forget by the ones who forgot we were there in the sunshine of their spotless minds, each one accepting they will never remember those memories like they were when it happened, but for a second they’ll be happy never knowing what they lost.
I wish to remember, I really do. But I know I’ll have to leave those memories soon, even if it breaks my heart to leave. I just want you to know that I wish I could’ve stayed.
– i loved you within these memories.
tash writes 