It’s coming up to that time of the year again. The seasons were changing, and so did we. Just like the winter, you became cold. As the leaves fall so did we. I used to love the winter, the cold, the darkness, but now our memories like our love turned to snow and vanish among the wind. The dark nights remind me of you, the light in you eyes fading, no hope of warmth in your heart.
– the cold botheres me but not as much as you.
I hope you know all these poems are for you, my love. I miss you but mostly in December, on a cold winters night. My one wish, most years is that you were here with me, in my arms listing to the crackle of the fire, trying to keep the chill from our bones, looking out to the stars wishing for the snow.
– i miss you in december, sometimes i wish i didn’t.
I remember our first kiss; we were walking down the street in the cool September air, I never told you that your touch warmed those seventeen winters in my bones with those sixteen summers in yours. You warmed my broken soul. As the winters went on, as the years we were apart, I tried to hold on to the memories we had but the cold came and my hands went numb, I felt the cold come through the cracks in my soul, the parts that had slowly started to mend, fell apart.
The cold tormented me for a very long time, until everything I was became cold and numb. I was hollow, nothing but a shell of the person who loved you then. Nothing could warm me, not even our memories. And even now sometimes winter reminds me of how cold I became, how broken I was…and sometimes I still wish for your warmth.
I was consumed, that winter broke me apart. It felt like when I lost you a light went out and the darkness came, but it didn’t happen straight way. It was always there just out of reach waiting for me to break. The darkness never bothered me, not until you, I guess it wouldn’t until I had my first heartbreak. Not till you broke my heart.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t been hurt before, it wasn’t because I’d lost people that I loved, because I had. But this was the one that I struggled to let go of. Everything that came before seemed so much simpler, easier to forget… I don’t know if it was because I was getting older, maybe more mature, maybe I was letting you affect me more than anymore else ever did. Maybe after everything I did I wanted to feel something other than numbness.
I never let you in, not really. And that was a tragedy in it’s self because I could have loved you more than these words that tried to hold me together, the ones I write when I try to remember us and all we could have been. There was a time where I wished we could have been more than this, there was a time where I wished I could have been more for you. If I knew then what choice I was going to make, I would have held onto your warmth until it burned.
– every winter i long for that warmth.
when i got to the end,
with the last words
you ever said to me
echoed through the pages.
i realised here were all
the things i left unsaid.
the things i should have said,
the things i regret,
the things i needed you to hear.
so i will wait
for the day
for you
to read these words
and realise for me
the story never ended
not really.
– i just needed you to know.
maybe i still hold onto us too tightly, even after all these years because i need to remember how it felt to fall in love. i need to remember how it felt to be loved, to have my heart broken because now it’s all fading and it’s been too long to grasp at those memories of you.
i can’t keep feeling like this, i’m scared that one day i’ll feel nothing, that without love what am i? without love who will i become? who have i become without your love?
i don’t want to be without love because what a waste it would be. i know i’m not the same, that the person you loved is gone. i just want to fall in love with someone who isn’t you.
i want to feel something.
just to feel again.
– i can’t remember that feeling, but i still remember loving you.
stories end,
the lovers lose each other.
battles are lost,
the hero dies.
the tragedy always lingers,
never fading.
all these stories,
all this sorrow
i never wanted this ending.
i never wanted you to stop loving me,
like you did.
but sometimes stories are just stories,
they don’t have to have meaning.
you can choose your own path,
write your own story,
because darling i would never have written our story this way,
with the ending it did.
– you became a chapter in my life, one I’d always go back to when i got the chance.
there will always be a part of my heart that will always hurt, will always ache for the piece you took when you left. a dull ache that i can’t shake. you left your mark on my heart. i wish i chose another path, i wish you could have stayed, told me everything was going to be okay. i’ll never forget that night, you broke my heart, i broke yours too. i should have stayed, i should have fought harder, i shouldn’t have said all those things that weren’t true. it would have been easier to say you shouldn’t have fallen for somebody new. but i’m not that person anymore. you broke my heart, and you should have hated me for what i did. i know i should have closed this book years ago, i should never have reopened is wound you left. sometimes i wish you could have been the one to have stayed, that i should have left first. but i guess that’s the difference between our story, to the ones telling it, because i know you’ll say i was the one to leave first. maybe i should have stayed. i wished you could have stayed, that the part of my heart, the piece that you took, wished that could you’d have just stayed.
– maybe we’ll never truly know who left first. but i think we both know the truth, i’m sorry my love.
i never knew that when your heart breaks that wouldn’t be the worse part, it would be what follows. it was the fading memories that you can’t seem to hold onto, even though your trying just to hold onto that feeling, even if it’s just for a little longer. sometimes i can still feel the ghost of the fantom pain of your hand in mine, your thumb running over my knuckles. i’m forgetting the feeling of you in my arms. i’m struggling to remember the sound of my name from your lips, and that one smile you reserved just for me, that twinkle in your eyes. sometimes the days blur in those moments, those feelings are slowly fading from my memory, but only sometimes there’ll be an echo. now i can’t remember out last kiss, the way it felt on my lips. and the ways you would whisper ‘ i love yous’ between kisses, and the little things like the sound of your laugh. it’s not even like i can rewrite them to try and recreate them, it’s in those moments of finding memories i wish for them all back, just to be able to relive them, to be able to write them down, just too hold onto. i wished you stayed because then the heartache meant you were still here with me, and not like this. maybe i’ll forget everything with time, but i don’t think my heart truly will. i think i’ll always remember, like the night you left, the tears streaming down your face, the way my voice broke when i begged you for a second chance, that i wanted you to stay. i’ll remember the aftermath that followed as we sat down on your front door step, the cold seeping in, i remember the pain in your voice when you said you didn’t love me. i wish heartbreak was easier, because i want to forget, i want to forget you. but someway i knew i never would, our story was never a happy one. and one day i’ll find peace with that.
– the stages of heartbreak.
“ You loved her. Didn’t you? You never stopped…” my therapist asked.
“ Yeah I did. I really did ”.
“ Did she love you? ”.
Silence filled the room, it was suffocating. That question had played on my mind for years, it was the question I locked away hoping that one day when I was stronger I could answer it truthfully, and today was not that day.
“ I don’t think so, she just loved the idea of me, it always felt like she wanted a better version. Or maybe she did, I just couldn’t see it. But now I’ll never know. “
“ Will that not knowing torment you? ”
Yes.
You didn’t tell him that you had already lost sleep, that that feeling she left made you sick to your stomach. You couldn’t tell him that you’d never felt a heartbreak quite like this, that you felt this enormous sense of guilt for what you did. That you truly believed that your heart would never be able to pull itself back together. How could you say that this loss haunted your soul, how could you say that her demons became mine.
I took a deep breath and answered.
“ No. That not knowing might just save me some torment ”.
– it was one of the many lies I had to tell myself.
It was always a bedtime story, a fading dream, one I could never quite shake. There was this feeling, a longing… it was there when the sun would set, when the sky went dark. The stars would shine as you tried to rest. But that feeling was always there, it never left, until you found Neverland.
But the sad truth was that feeling never really went away, it had just subsided for a while. You were always searching for something, for a purpose. Every night you returned to those old London streets, with tired bloodshot eyes, sparkling in the light. You were always looking for the light. It wasn’t till one night, you stumbled across her house. It was the only house with the light still on, and oh my darling, all the adventures you’ll have. And I know you’ll fall for her. You’ll ask her to stay, because after her, Neverland never seemed too quiet. One day you know she’ll have to leave and I know you’ll think it’s because she doesn’t love you, that what else can you offer her. You’re left with that feeling in your chest that when she goes back got her old life, she’ll forget.
You could have followed her back you know. But you chose to stay alone, you could’ve grown up, lived a happy life with her. But you chose the easy way out, you became just another sad story. One day she’ll remember, and maybe one day she’ll tell your story, one about a boy who chose never to grow up. Or maybe your fears will come true, maybe she’ll have forgottten you.
You became a bedtime story, filled with someones else’s dreams of a life you never had.
– second to the right, and straight on till morning.
tash writes 