what if i told you i loved you,
would that have changed anything?
would have it been a different story?
we were this almost,
but it was never enough
not for them,
not for us.
i almost told you i loved you,
you almost loved me.
i almost believed you,
you almost stayed.
we were an almost,
could have been,
something that never was,
in love.
– there was never more of a heartbreaking word than ‘almost’
If someone had told me five years ago, when this began, that this one girl would have been so important in my story.
I wouldn’t have believed you.
If someone told me that I would eventually fall for you, I would have laughed it off, hell even a year ago it wouldn’t have even passed my mind, the thought of loving you. Yet here we are and I’m sat writing this, rather than telling you how I feel.
So here lies a series of letters for you, for me. To be able to get this off my chest. To maybe, finally start to let you go.
Let’s begin where I realised I saw you as more than a friend. I couldn’t pin point the moment I started to like you, it probably creeped it’s way in over time because honestly it was impossible for someone not to love you. But for me it was probably around Christmas time, on that cold December night. The snow hadn’t started to fall yet but I always hoped it would. We were on a night out, which happened every Christmas and you looked beautiful as always. Up to this moment in time I’d had some pretty fleeting moments with you, which started to lead me to falling down that rabbit hole of endless possibilities of maybes of hopes of some days. Like maybe, just maybe this could mean something, this could be real, you and me. We were always playful, that constant back a forth. I never thought I’d have to question it, that it was our thing we’d always been like that since the day we met, but how wrong was I, you did this with everyone and I wasn’t special. And it hurt because I wanted to mean something to you.
You were the only one holding together my broken heart, because on that night I saw her again. I hadn’t seen her for almost a year since she left, and I know she was your friend but I had loved her for a long time but I could never call her mine, I never had the chance because she had him. And she deserved better, she deserved someone who would love her wholeheartedly. It didn’t help that a few weeks before that night you told me that she ended it, and she deserved so much better than him and a part of me always wished I could have had that chance, if only I had the courage, if only I had found the right words. But if I ever did, my heartbreak, this story wouldn’t have led me to you.
It was under the neon lights where she looked happier, care free, like the girl I had loved all those months ago. She was with some of her friends laughing and dancing to the music, but when our eyes finally met, she smiled and somewhere, somehow we collided in the mists of people like nothing else mattered and honestly I melted into her arms and everything for a second fell back into place, like we hadn’t been apart, like nothing had changed. Like she didn’t leave me with a broken heart all those months ago. We held each other for what felt like an eternity but I knew I needed to let go.
That’s enough about her, this was always going to be about you and me.
After that reunion I needed some air but somehow I always found my way back to you after I finished chatting to some people I knew outside. You were in the middle of the dance floor, you’d had a few drinks but that never stopped you, you always went after what you wanted, what made you happy. You pulled me in for a dance, and I hate dancing but I never minded it when it was with you but we were interrupted by the guy who had a crush on you, and he took you away to ‘talk‘. And you left me watching as you went. As the night flew by, with a few fleeting glances here and there, I called it a night.
I went to say goodbye to her I needed to let her go but foolishly I let myself be pulled back in to our bubble, she made me feel like we were the only two in the room. I knew that I wouldn’t see her again for a long time so I gave in, as she was in my arms I held her tight trying to savor the moment like nothing else mattered as she buried her head into my chest, we stood like that on the dance floor for quite some time, it was now or never and I stupidly let slip that I missed her, she laughed and tighten her grip on me. My heart rapidly beated out my chest waiting for her response. “I miss you too”. You broke my heart for a second time that night and I knew I had to leave and it pained me as tried to remember how safe I felt in your arms. No matter what I felt for her I would always come back to you.
You were at the bar when I found you, and as we said goodnight you pulled me into your arms. You were never a hugger but I like to think that with me that changed. As I pulled to go, you kissed my cheek and I havent forgotten it since.
It was that one that cold December night when you kissed me everything changed, but sometimes I wish it didn’t because out of all these crushes and hopeless fantasies, you’re the one that I don’t think I can get over, the one I can’t forget.
love always.
tash
what if i told you i loved you,
would that have changed anything?
would have it been a different story?
we were this almost,
but it was never enough
not for them,
not for us.
i almost told you i loved you,
you almost loved me.
i almost believed you,
you almost stayed.
we were an almost,
could have been,
something that never was,
in love.
– there was never more of a heartbreaking word than ‘almost’.
By the law of the multiverse there must be a universe out there where I made the right choices and they led me to loving you. But on the other hand my dear, there’s so many different stories, endless possibilities, questionable choices I must have made. And the heartbreaking realisation…that fatal conclusion that out there somewhere there’s a universe in which where we don’t end up together.
So there must be a universe where we’re together. I hope in that universe I didn’t wait until the end of the story to tell you that I loved you, that it was always you. That it should have been you from the very beginning, I’m sorry my love I got lost in someone else eyes, when it should have been you I was falling for. In this universe, the one in which I’m writing this I never told you how much you meant to me. I waited too long, I never found the right words. There was never the right time and you my love found somebody else. But somewhere, in another time, another world I hope I found the right words, I hope you found me amongst these pages. I hope I found you.
There’s a universe one in which when we met all those years ago when we were young and in love, we never had to go down separate paths forced by fate. We were never given a choice to choose each other in that story. And at the end, after everything, after all of those labours we faced we were told we couldn’t find our way back to each other, that it was the will of the gods. How cruel that the universes got to decide if we could ever be together, after everything, all those sacrifices. After being separated for centuries at the hands of the gods our love became forgotten by history, and I guess we slowly forgot too. But this time, in this story the laws of the universe, fate, the gods could never separate us again because falling in love with one another was our fate all along, and that should have been our story.
But those are just other dreams, memories, distant stories of hopes of maybe and might have beens.
There’s a universe where we never met, and we go our whole lives missing something that we can never find. And the sad thing is that we would never know what we’re missing. There are ones where we are strangers who never connected, passing one another on the street pained with a heavy feeling in their chests.
There had to be one story, the one wrong universe where we couldn’t have had a happy ending. There had to be one universe my love, and it was a tragedy that it had to be this one. I hope you find these words in whatever time my love, the ones I longed to stay but never did.
I’m sorry for all I never said, all of the things you never heard in this universe. Maybe we’ll be happy in the next, maybe in another life. Maybe, just maybe.
Here lies my love for you, scattered in words unspoken, letters I’ve never sent. It would only be here in my words with the hope that one day you would read them.
If you love someone don’t wait to tell them. I always make excuses that it was never the right time, never the right moment. I had months to tell you that I loved you. But I didn’t because honestly I was scared. Because loving you terrifies me, and I know deep down you’re the only person who can hurt me. I never thought I would have fallen for you, but after all these years how could I not. Love never did come easy to me and I could never hold on, it always slipped through my fingers. I knew you would break my heart, and you did because you found her.
I wanted to tell you everything but I couldn’t ruin what we have. You are one of the only good things in my life. I couldn’t lose you. And to be honest I couldn’t hear those words out your mouth
“I’m sorry. I don’t love you in that way”.
So how do you kill a feeling? Here are all these words left unsaid buried with my love for you. Where the thought of us can be laid to rest with the all the hopes of maybes and might have beens. I want you to be happy and you deserve her, you deserve love. And I know you think you don’t, but my love you deserve it the most. I just hope your happy, I hope she makes you happy.
Maybe one day you’ll realise everything I ever wrote was about you. And I hope you’ll know that whenever your reading this, if you ever find these words in another place, another time.
I loved you, and I’m sorry I never did tell you sooner.
But you’re happy so I guess something after better left unsaid.
There’s a universe out there, one in which we will never meet. One where we never fall in love and break each others hearts. Maybe that’s the universe I want because I wouldn’t be hurting right now. We would never have ended up like this. But that’s another story, an easier one. But it would have been a very different tale, and it wouldn’t have made me into the person I am today. You changed me and maybe I’ll never truly understand why we ended the way we did but because of you I found peace in these words.
– without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love.
I’m scared to tell you how I feel because I don’t want to lose you.
So for now I will write it down in these letters, the ones I never sent. Maybe years later I will come back to our story. Maybe I’ll be content with the way our story never really started and ended in the way I wanted. Maybe I remember you and the way I fell in love with you, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more than for some of your love, even if it was never in the way I expected, you loved me and for that I’m grateful.
Maybe in this life I never got my happy ending with you, maybe after all these years you still don’t know that I loved you and a part of me is okay with you not knowing because darling maybe one day you’ll realise reading these words and I hope one day they will find you.
But this is today and I fear if I tell you that I love you we might never be the same again, so for now my love for you will stay here waiting for you, ready for they day when you need to hear my words.
Hell maybe you’ll never know, maybe you’ll never realise that these words were meant for you but I’ll be damned if your not somewhere within these words.
– i can’t ever imagine the day where i don’t love you.//t.c
We never followed our hearts, maybe they could have brought us together. But as the years passed we were always close but never together, not really. You went off to follow your dreams, I never followed I always stayed. You always came back, but as our time is fading, this feels final, like this is the end. That we wont get this chance ever again. I never took that chance with you, but heres the thing I’ve still got time before you walk out that door and leave me. So if this is my last chance to love you, give me a sign, let me know that you feel something too because I don’t know if I can’t live with us being unfinished or a possibility that we could have always been more if only we had listened to our hearts.
-my love for you burned for so long those embers set fire to my heart.//t.c
tash writes 