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halfway gone.

i can’t keep hoping for someday, because those dreams are broken just like our promises. we exist like this, basking in this grief, all this misery left with the silence we leave behind when we walk away. we become tragedies in other peoples stories. we let our dreams fade, become dormant and give ourselves too willingly to other people who will just break our hearts in the end. 

you’ll break my heart in the end. maybe these words won’t reach you, maybe they’ll mean nothing, fall on deaf ears. maybe i was not meant to love you like this. 

– halfway gone.

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i can’t remember that feeling, but i still remember loving you.

maybe i still hold onto us too tightly, even after all these years because i need to remember how it felt to fall in love. i need to remember how it felt to be loved, to have my heart broken because now it’s all fading and it’s been too long to grasp at those memories of you. 

i can’t keep feeling like this, i’m scared that one day i’ll feel nothing, that without love what am i? without love who will i become? who have i become without your love?

i don’t want to be without love because what a waste it would be. i know i’m not the same, that the person you loved is gone. i just want to fall in love with someone who isn’t you.

i want to feel something. 

just to feel again.

– i can’t remember that feeling, but i still remember loving you.

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– the stages of heartbreak –

i never knew that when your heart breaks that wouldn’t be the worse part, it would be what follows. it was the fading memories that you can’t seem to hold onto, even though your trying just to hold onto that feeling, even if it’s just for a little longer. sometimes i can still feel the ghost of the fantom pain of your hand in mine, your thumb running over my knuckles. i’m forgetting the feeling of you in my arms. i’m struggling to remember the sound of my name from your lips, and that one smile you reserved just for me, that twinkle in your eyes. sometimes the days blur in those moments, those feelings are slowly fading from my memory, but only sometimes there’ll be an echo. now i can’t remember out last kiss, the way it felt on my lips. and the ways you would whisper ‘ i love yous’ between kisses, and the little things like the sound of your laugh. it’s not even like i can rewrite them to try and recreate them, it’s in those moments of finding memories i wish for them all back, just to be able to relive them, to be able to write them down, just too hold onto. i wished you stayed because then the heartache meant you were still here with me, and not like this. maybe i’ll forget everything with time, but i don’t think my heart truly will. i think i’ll always remember, like the night you left, the tears streaming down your face, the way my voice broke when i begged you for a second chance, that i wanted you to stay. i’ll remember the aftermath that followed as we sat down on your front door step, the cold seeping in, i remember the pain in your voice when you said you didn’t love me. i wish heartbreak was easier, because i want to forget, i want to forget you. but someway i knew i never would, our story was never a happy one. and one day i’ll find peace with that.

– the stages of heartbreak. 

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it was one of the many lies I had to tell myself.

“ You loved her. Didn’t you? You never stopped…” my therapist asked. 

“ Yeah I did. I really did ”.

“ Did she love you? ”. 

Silence filled the room, it was suffocating. That question had played on my mind for years, it was the question I locked away hoping that one day when I was stronger I could answer it truthfully, and today was not that day.

“ I don’t think so, she just loved the idea of me, it always felt like she wanted a better version. Or maybe she did, I just couldn’t see it. But now I’ll never know. “

 “ Will that not knowing torment you? ”

Yes. 

You didn’t tell him that you had already lost sleep, that that feeling she left made you sick to your stomach. You couldn’t tell him that you’d never felt a heartbreak quite like this, that you felt this enormous sense of guilt for what you did. That you truly believed that your heart would never be able to pull itself back together. How could you say that this loss haunted your soul, how could you say that her demons became mine.

I took a deep breath and answered.

“ No. That not knowing might just save me some torment ”.

– it was one of the many lies I had to tell myself. 

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You wrote about her like she was the only love you’d ever know.

I never quite understood how a love like that could fall apart. How love couldn’t fix everything, that sometimes it’s not enough. That it wasn’t enough for me. That it couldn’t have been enough for you.

What if you were the one, what if I had just lost the love of my life? What if that one thought would torture me, leaving me with sleepless nights. Would we become one of those forgotten tragedies? Would we ever get our needed epilogue. Would I ever get my closure to end this heavy feeling in my heart. 

I wish sometimes I got a second chance with you, I’d have done things so differently. I wouldn’t have ran when things got serious. But then I might have never gone down this path, I might never have found myself and be who I needed. I might have still be pretending to be someone else, that’s a terrifying thought. Maybe I needed to lose you, but that doesn’t mean I liked dealing with that, the pain it brought.

Sometimes if I let my mind wander, there’s a different life out there for me. One’s where we were enough for each other. Sometimes that’s enough but still those thoughts can break your heart. I think I’ll be constantly living with a broken heart. I’ll always remember the time we had, and my love for you. But now things fade, everything getting distorted. Time was never kind, but then again neither was I. 

I couldn’t let go, I never could. You’d always be somewhere if not in my heart, in my words, never truly leaving me. And I hate that, because you’ll forget, move on and all that I’ll be left with is these words, that’s no comfort. It’ll never be enough for me, the memory of you.

– you wrote about her like she was the only love you’d ever know.

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history wont remember a love story between a boy and a half god, I’m sorry my dears you were always considered a tragedy.

one day i’ll sit down and write our story, but this time it wont end in tragedy. it will be a world in which we never had to face war, we got to be kids and grow into our youth. in this story, you my love were not a weapon created by war, made to give your life, and i wouldn’t have to follow you into the battlefield, i wouldn’t have to watch you become bloody and broken. i would have to lose you to a war that we could never have won because that was never our fate, we were always meant to lose. that became our history.

one day our story will be known as something more than a tragedy, i promise. 

–history wont remember a love story between a boy and a half god, I’m sorry my dears you were always considered a tragedy.

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you should have been more than just a love letter

i’m sorry i lost you,

i should have held your hand tighter

when i felt it slipping away.

i’m not sorry for loving you,

but i am sorry for never 

telling you sooner. 

i’m sorry that you will 

read these words when

you should have heard them.

i’m sorry that we never stood 

a chance to be more than 

these words.

–you should have been more than just a love letter.

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she always said love was a kind of killing.

maybe we were always meant to break each others hearts, maybe that’s the way our story would always go. but that doesn’t mean that our love wasn’t true, that we didn’t love each other with everything we had. maybe we never stood a chance to be more than that in this life, but maybe somewhere else we could be. maybe we could have been better for each other if only we let down our walls. if only we stopped to love each other rather than trying to find love in other people. my love we could have been so much more that what we were. and i came so close to seeing your heart before you broke mine. but the story was always going to be the same, we would always destroy each other in the name of love. 

–she always said love was a kind of killing.

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my heart will always break for you.

you’re trying not to tell her 

that you’ve miss her,

but you have and 

you always will.

but it’s been so long,

and you still feel the same

and that scares you 

because you’ll always be in love with her,

there’ll never be anyone else,

your hearts is hers.

you’re trying not to fall 

apart at the sight of her

but your hands tremble 

and your voice wavering.

it’s been so long since you saw 

her last

and everything comes rushing 

back, 

the echoes of memories

paralyse you

the pain is still there,

your heart still breaking 

for the woman you love

and the sad truth is that

it always will.

–my heart will always break for you.

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i love you, always [x] i loved you, almost [x] I think I’ll love you forever [x]

in a few days you will leave, 

and i’ll be left with a broken heart.

i never knew the monster at the end of our book would be time, 

we were supposed to have forever to fall back together. 

you told me you broke it off with him, 

that you fell out of love. 

darling, 

you will be my biggest regret, 

i wasted so many months hoping you’d give me a second chance, 

and now it’s gone as fast as it came. 

maybe one day we’ll get our chance, 

until then i’ll settle with our almost,

somewhere out there i believe that we are together in another world,

another life.

and i’m the one who makes you happy.

– i love you, always [x] i loved you, almost [x] I think I’ll love you forever [x]