Posted on by tashjcurry

time heals everything but you

i hate the how they say time heals all wounds, truth be told it doesn’t. because it still hurts the sound of your name, a fading memory, the old pictures. my heart breaks still when i see you, it’s less frequent now and i don’t know if i should be relived or just sad because we’re not the same, you not the person i fell in love with. our conversations become shorter, the texts i send never get a reply. i hate how time has done this to us. 

i love you and time has made a mockery of my words because darling there’s still so much i have to say but i just don’t know how. it’s not like before. we’re not as close as we once were, but i still miss you like it was yesterday. darling i have these words, i just wouldn’t know where to start. maybe i’m holding onto something that ended long ago and time still hasn’t caught up with my heart telling me it’s time to move on, to let you go. 

i wish i could heal and move on, find someone new. instead of trying to write chapters of a book that finished years ago. i’ve been in love with you for seven years and there are too many unsaid ‘i love you’s’, scattered in these letters. so many words unsaid left in this broken heart of mine, these letters of a lost love just fading, left to dust after all these years. 

darling, these words never sounded the same after you.

–time heals everything but you. 

Posted on by tashjcurry

we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.

some people never get closure, i never thought we would. but it came two years too late for us. i remember receiving your text, hands shaking, hovering over the message. it felt like i’d waited a lifetime just to hear from you again. it was polite the exchange of words, neither of us saying what we really wanted, how much we were still hurting. i wish then i could have said that i missed you, that i’d been missing you everyday since i broke your heart. i wish i could have said i was sorry, sorry that it took me so long to realise i wasn’t the only one hurting. 

our words, the conversation was too kind for what we were. it was too kind on a bitter heart of mine. i knew we didn’t have long, i don’t know why you reached out but i’m thankful you did. as the year faded it left us at a crossroads, this heart of mine knew it was time to close the book, we experienced the end. as we said goodbye, i knew we’d have to leave ourselves there for sometime, to never return, for i could not go back. 

–we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.

Posted on by tashjcurry

new york. new york.

i remember that trip, i should have been happy. i was where i was meant to be. it was the place i’d hope to call home one day. but when i was there all i could think about was you, and how stupid i was for letting you go. i was heartbroken that summer. and i wonder if you were. i never knew who i was, sometimes i wonder if i’ll never know but back then the one thing i knew for sure was that i was falling in love with you. and i think a part of me will carry that with me, always. that city will always be home to my heartbreak, it will always hold my memories of you. for i hope one day i will be able to go back and remember the memory of you and know that feeling finally faded.

–new york. new york.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i was just a soldier who gave their heart to a goddess

you loved girl 

who was filled with a fiery rage,

with this anger,

with war. 

with time

tragedy became her

but she was so much more

than that.

she held oceans in her eyes,

had galaxies in her heart,

there was stars in her blood.

she was a goddess,

and how could i love her?

with bloody knuckles,

broken bones,

fighting a losing war. 

i was no god, 

just a solider.

a weapon. 

how could she love me?

after what i’d done,

all i endured. 

i was damned,

left for ruin. 

war was not kind on the living.

it never was, 

yet she loved me all the same.

for i believe  

she took my heart

and i’d be damned to love her 

with every part of my soul. 

for i would always welcome ruin

if it meant i could keep 

loving her.

– i was just a soldier who gave their heart to a goddess.

Posted on by tashjcurry

every winter i long for that warmth.

I remember our first kiss; we were walking down the street in the cool September air, I never told you that your touch warmed those seventeen winters in my bones with those sixteen summers in yours. You warmed my broken soul. As the winters went on, as the years we were apart, I tried to hold on to the memories we had but the cold came and my hands went numb, I felt the cold come through the cracks in my soul, the parts that had slowly started to mend, fell apart.

The cold tormented me for a very long time, until everything I was became cold and numb. I was hollow, nothing but a shell of the person who loved you then. Nothing could warm me, not even our memories. And even now sometimes winter reminds me of how cold I became, how broken I was…and sometimes I still wish for your warmth. 

I was consumed, that winter broke me apart. It felt like when I lost you a light went out and the darkness came, but it didn’t happen straight way. It was always there just out of reach waiting for me to break. The darkness never bothered me, not until you, I guess it wouldn’t until I had my first heartbreak. Not till you broke my heart. 

It wasn’t like I hadn’t been hurt before, it wasn’t because I’d lost people that I loved, because I had. But this was the one that I struggled to let go of. Everything that came before seemed so much simpler, easier to forget… I don’t know if it was because I was getting older, maybe more mature, maybe I was letting you affect me more than anymore else ever did. Maybe after everything I did I wanted to feel something other than numbness. 

I never let you in, not really. And that was a tragedy in it’s self because I could have loved you more than these words that tried to hold me together, the ones I write when I try to remember us and all we could have been. There was a time where I wished we could have been more than this, there was a time where I wished I could have been more for you. If I knew then what choice I was going to make, I would have held onto your warmth until it burned. 

– every winter i long for that warmth.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i just needed you to know.

when i got to the end,

with the last words 

you ever said to me

echoed through the pages.

i realised here were all 

the things i left unsaid.

the things i should have said,

the things i regret,

the things i needed you to hear.

so i will wait

for the day

for you

to read these words 

and realise for me

the story never ended

not really.

– i just needed you to know.