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it was one of the many versions of us.

there would be no happy endings.

for history would no allow 

two lovers to end up happy

not here, not now

nor this place.

it was not their fate.

but by the laws of the universe,

the morals of stories,

maybe if we could rewrite history,

there would have to be…

there’s got to be somewhere…

there has to be a place 

where we’re happy,

where we’re not some forgotten tragedy.

and that’s enough for me 

knowing we exist somewhere,

a better place than here,

the life we live now.

that there’s different incarnations of us,

parallel stories, second chances

because i can’t believe, 

i wont accept 

we only get the one story, 

the one lifetime. 

because for me i’d always want more. 

and if i could, i’d love you in every life.

i hope you know i would. 

and sometimes it breaks my heart 

knowing it wasn’t here and now.

–it was one of the many versions of us. 

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time heals everything but you

i hate the how they say time heals all wounds, truth be told it doesn’t. because it still hurts the sound of your name, a fading memory, the old pictures. my heart breaks still when i see you, it’s less frequent now and i don’t know if i should be relived or just sad because we’re not the same, you not the person i fell in love with. our conversations become shorter, the texts i send never get a reply. i hate how time has done this to us. 

i love you and time has made a mockery of my words because darling there’s still so much i have to say but i just don’t know how. it’s not like before. we’re not as close as we once were, but i still miss you like it was yesterday. darling i have these words, i just wouldn’t know where to start. maybe i’m holding onto something that ended long ago and time still hasn’t caught up with my heart telling me it’s time to move on, to let you go. 

i wish i could heal and move on, find someone new. instead of trying to write chapters of a book that finished years ago. i’ve been in love with you for seven years and there are too many unsaid ‘i love you’s’, scattered in these letters. so many words unsaid left in this broken heart of mine, these letters of a lost love just fading, left to dust after all these years. 

darling, these words never sounded the same after you.

–time heals everything but you. 

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just in case….

it’s been too long,

the years have taken 

it tole on this 

withered heart. 

am i allowed to

say i still miss you?

or has too much

time passed?

is it cruel to wish 

that you feel the same.

that sometimes i hope 

you think of me,

and all we used to be.

i wish things were

different. 

i wish i didn’t feel 

like this.

i wish i could leave 

you in the past.

but know a part of me 

will always be here

loving you in 

these pages. 

–just in case….

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the regret of you still breaks my heart.

i’ll always have regrets 

when it comes to you. 

i was foolish letting time 

just pass me by, 

thinking you’d wait for 

when i was ready. 

i regret not having the 

courage to tell you how i felt,

when it was fucking obvious 

that i loved you.

i wish it was easier for me,

to just admit how i’m feeling 

because there was so many 

times i should have said 

‘i love you’,

but i chose that i 

wasn’t going to be 

that person for you, 

i couldn’t,

i wouldn’t

be the one to ruin us.

and that fear,

that fucking fear

broke my heart

because i lost out on you.

i regret not realising sooner

my feelings all those years ago.

it made sense, i hated when 

you left. 

each time my heart broke. 

it never got easier watching 

you leave. 

it never got easier loving you 

when you loved another. 

my love, it never got easier

living with the regret of you. 

– the regret of you still breaks my heart. 

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time changes us, i guess my love changed too.

you were sat opposite me, 

darling it had been so long. 

i’d longed for this moment, 

just to see you.

i wanted to tell you 

that i missed you.

that a year without you 

killed me 

in many ways,

it brought an uncontrollable sadness.

yet i couldn’t tell you the truth,

because a year apart had changed us.

but still i felt the same,

i still loved you.

i’ve loved you for a lifetime.

it feels like. 

so we sat and talked,

we fell back into each other,

and oh how it hurt my broken heart. 

because you loved another.

you were here 

and still somehow 

i was still missing you.

-time chages us, i guess my love changed too.

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first love, lessons learned.

your first love was a boy, who was handsome, hot headed, heartless is what he became. i’m sorry he never cared for you or anybody else, for i think he just craved love and was never satisfied with the feeling. and i know you loved him longer than you should. but as the years passed you loved others but i don’t think you liked the whole idea of the lessons learned by loosing, by your heartbreaking, by leaving. 

you hated him, the way he used you but you hated him more because you still loved him even when he left, it took years to shake that feeling. that young love tainted with remorse. i hated the way i’d always ask myself:

‘why was i never enough for you’.

‘why did you fucking leave me…. over and over again’.

‘why did i let you take my love because you never deserved it’.

i hate that in the years we spent together, your anger became mine, you never gave me love just hatred. 

you were a broken boy and foolishly i loved you with everything i had, but with all that anger and all that hatred i never feared falling because you never made me whole darling, so tell me how could i break?

-first love, lessons learned.

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my body is a cage

this isn’t my skin, nor my body. i’m trapped in this cage. my soul, my heart does not beat the same. this isn’t me? this doesn’t feel right. i don’t think it ever did. as i write these words nothing makes sense. this can’t be it. this isn’t my life. this body is foreign to me, this isn’t my skin. my soul is screaming can’t you see? all this rage, all that anger i know where it stems from, it’s because i feel lost, that this isn’t me. you’re trapped, your hearts breaking, your soul is tormenting you. 

you know what you have to do. it won’t be easy. your life never was. i’m sorry you’ve felt this way for so long, you were so quiet it was like you could forget the pain, the suffering if only for a second in the silence, in the peace that you’d be stronger tomorrow. soon you’ll be able to breath and exhale. 

things will change, you will be able to begin again. there is always the hope that comes with starting a new. 

–my body is a cage. 

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the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.

the city felt lonely. there was this sadness, an emptiness. my heart could feel the cold seeping in. as i walked the crowed street i went to reach for your hand, you weren’t there. i stopped dead in my tracks. you were a memory. 

that’s all i had let of you, memories. there was nothing else, you took everything when you left. my heart was empty, and the city was home to all this heartbreak. as i walked the streets i was reminded of you. nothing else. 

how could this city haunt me, how could it break my heart. how could i keep walking these streets, knowing they were leading me back to you. 

–the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.

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we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.

some people never get closure, i never thought we would. but it came two years too late for us. i remember receiving your text, hands shaking, hovering over the message. it felt like i’d waited a lifetime just to hear from you again. it was polite the exchange of words, neither of us saying what we really wanted, how much we were still hurting. i wish then i could have said that i missed you, that i’d been missing you everyday since i broke your heart. i wish i could have said i was sorry, sorry that it took me so long to realise i wasn’t the only one hurting. 

our words, the conversation was too kind for what we were. it was too kind on a bitter heart of mine. i knew we didn’t have long, i don’t know why you reached out but i’m thankful you did. as the year faded it left us at a crossroads, this heart of mine knew it was time to close the book, we experienced the end. as we said goodbye, i knew we’d have to leave ourselves there for sometime, to never return, for i could not go back. 

–we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.

Posted on by tashjcurry

new york. new york.

i remember that trip, i should have been happy. i was where i was meant to be. it was the place i’d hope to call home one day. but when i was there all i could think about was you, and how stupid i was for letting you go. i was heartbroken that summer. and i wonder if you were. i never knew who i was, sometimes i wonder if i’ll never know but back then the one thing i knew for sure was that i was falling in love with you. and i think a part of me will carry that with me, always. that city will always be home to my heartbreak, it will always hold my memories of you. for i hope one day i will be able to go back and remember the memory of you and know that feeling finally faded.

–new york. new york.