Posted on by tashjcurry

my last christmas wish

this was the first christmas where i wasn’t missing you, i wasn’t sad that you weren’t with me. it didn’t snow this year but sometimes we don’t get everything we wished for. it was the year where i could finally sit and watch ‘la la land’ without crying in the final fifteen minutes. i was happy, content with the fact that this year my heart didn’t ache like it used too when the cold came and the nights became darker. i think i was finally healing after so long of breaking. i didn’t miss you, but in the last few minutes as the clock was going to strike dawn i did think of you and hoped you were happy. that i wish you nothing but the best for you my love. but the final wish was for me not you, too many of them had been for you. next year i would ask for love, and as the last days of december approached i hoped that for the new year would bring me some joy. but then in the last few minutes under the christmas lights, the movie playing in the background i allowed myself to think of you, one last time. 

–my last christmas wish.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i was just a soldier who gave their heart to a goddess

you loved girl 

who was filled with a fiery rage,

with this anger,

with war. 

with time

tragedy became her

but she was so much more

than that.

she held oceans in her eyes,

had galaxies in her heart,

there was stars in her blood.

she was a goddess,

and how could i love her?

with bloody knuckles,

broken bones,

fighting a losing war. 

i was no god, 

just a solider.

a weapon. 

how could she love me?

after what i’d done,

all i endured. 

i was damned,

left for ruin. 

war was not kind on the living.

it never was, 

yet she loved me all the same.

for i believe  

she took my heart

and i’d be damned to love her 

with every part of my soul. 

for i would always welcome ruin

if it meant i could keep 

loving her.

– i was just a soldier who gave their heart to a goddess.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i loved you within these memories

I know I’m lost, but I’m somewhere within these memories. Yet I know I should leave, that I can’t stay. But there is peace in knowing somewhere within these memories I’m still with you. 

I’m trying to remember the good, that maybe if we got a second chance things would be different. That we could have been different, if only to forget. I just don’t want to forget what we had, and all these memories. I know with time, we’ll fade, that it’ll be gone. I just want to enjoy those memories of you. Those were the times where I was happy. 

The world will forget by the ones who forgot we were there in the sunshine of their spotless minds, each one accepting they will never remember those memories like they were when it happened, but for a second they’ll be happy never knowing what they lost. 

I wish to remember, I really do. But I know I’ll have to leave those memories soon, even if it breaks my heart to leave. I just want you to know that I wish I could’ve stayed.

– i loved you within these memories.

Posted on by tashjcurry

the cold botheres me but not as much as you.

It’s coming up to that time of the year again. The seasons were changing, and so did we. Just like the winter, you became cold. As the leaves fall so did we. I used to love the winter, the cold, the darkness, but now our memories like our love turned to snow and vanish among the wind. The dark nights remind me of you, the light in you eyes fading, no hope of warmth in your heart.

– the cold botheres me but not as much as you.

Posted on by tashjcurry

every winter i long for that warmth.

I remember our first kiss; we were walking down the street in the cool September air, I never told you that your touch warmed those seventeen winters in my bones with those sixteen summers in yours. You warmed my broken soul. As the winters went on, as the years we were apart, I tried to hold on to the memories we had but the cold came and my hands went numb, I felt the cold come through the cracks in my soul, the parts that had slowly started to mend, fell apart.

The cold tormented me for a very long time, until everything I was became cold and numb. I was hollow, nothing but a shell of the person who loved you then. Nothing could warm me, not even our memories. And even now sometimes winter reminds me of how cold I became, how broken I was…and sometimes I still wish for your warmth. 

I was consumed, that winter broke me apart. It felt like when I lost you a light went out and the darkness came, but it didn’t happen straight way. It was always there just out of reach waiting for me to break. The darkness never bothered me, not until you, I guess it wouldn’t until I had my first heartbreak. Not till you broke my heart. 

It wasn’t like I hadn’t been hurt before, it wasn’t because I’d lost people that I loved, because I had. But this was the one that I struggled to let go of. Everything that came before seemed so much simpler, easier to forget… I don’t know if it was because I was getting older, maybe more mature, maybe I was letting you affect me more than anymore else ever did. Maybe after everything I did I wanted to feel something other than numbness. 

I never let you in, not really. And that was a tragedy in it’s self because I could have loved you more than these words that tried to hold me together, the ones I write when I try to remember us and all we could have been. There was a time where I wished we could have been more than this, there was a time where I wished I could have been more for you. If I knew then what choice I was going to make, I would have held onto your warmth until it burned. 

– every winter i long for that warmth.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i can’t remember that feeling, but i still remember loving you.

maybe i still hold onto us too tightly, even after all these years because i need to remember how it felt to fall in love. i need to remember how it felt to be loved, to have my heart broken because now it’s all fading and it’s been too long to grasp at those memories of you. 

i can’t keep feeling like this, i’m scared that one day i’ll feel nothing, that without love what am i? without love who will i become? who have i become without your love?

i don’t want to be without love because what a waste it would be. i know i’m not the same, that the person you loved is gone. i just want to fall in love with someone who isn’t you.

i want to feel something. 

just to feel again.

– i can’t remember that feeling, but i still remember loving you.