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without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love.

There’s a universe out there, one in which we will never meet. One where we never fall in love and break each others hearts. Maybe that’s the universe I want because I wouldn’t be hurting right now. We would never have ended up like this. But that’s another story, an easier one. But it would have been a very different tale, and it wouldn’t have made me into the person I am today. You changed me and maybe I’ll never truly understand why we ended the way we did but because of you I found peace in these words.

– without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love. 

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even after years the thought of you still being somewhere in my heart terrifies me.

She reminds me of you and at times I have to stop myself from calling out your name.

How is it that I managed to stop looking for you in the eyes of others but when I look at her all I can see if you. When I look at her my heart tightens in anticipation of it breaking again, you still sometimes come back in echo’s. She’s not you darling but she could be and that thought terrifies me because this isn’t that story, I won’t let it happen again. I won’t write that ending a second time.

I feel like I’m seventeen again wanting to find that piece of myself in an old feeling hidden amongst pages.  Somehow I’m still finding you in other people and nothing scares me more than the thought of your name on my lips. I believed I could finally be at peace, that after all this time you still find a way back onto these pages long after your chapter ended.

 

– even after years the thought of you still being somewhere in my heart terrifies me.

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The war took everything, even our love.

They say all’s fair in love and war but my darling we were never in love, we were always at war.

We could never have loved each other in the way we should. The war was not beautiful, and I couldn’t have romanticized it for what it was. It broke me in the hope of building me into something better. When actually it made me into a weapon, after that I knew I could never find peace, I would always be a product of war.

You could not love me, I was broken. All that death and bloodshed would haunt me until my dying day. You could never look at me in the eye and forgive me after everything I did.

We would always be on the battlefield, when we should have been in each others arms.

– the war took everything, even our love.

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I can’t ever imagine the day where I don’t love you.

I’m scared to tell you how I feel because I don’t want to lose you.

So for now I will write it down in these letters, the ones I never sent. Maybe years later I will come back to our story. Maybe I’ll be content with the way our story never really started and ended in the way I wanted. Maybe I remember you and the way I fell in love with you, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more than for some of your love, even if it was never in the way I expected, you loved me and for that I’m grateful. 

Maybe in this life I never got my happy ending with you, maybe after all these years you still don’t know that I loved you and a part of me is okay with you not knowing because darling maybe one day you’ll realise reading these words and I hope one day they will find you. 

But this is today and I fear if I tell you that I love you we might never be the same again, so for now my love for you will stay here waiting for you, ready for they day when you need to hear my words.

Hell maybe you’ll never know, maybe you’ll never realise that these words were meant for you but I’ll be damned if your not somewhere within these words.

– i can’t ever imagine the day where i don’t love you.//t.c

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i wish i could be who you wanted.

I wanted to kiss you, tell you everything was going to be okay. That someone would be worthy of your love, that someone would love you wholeheartedly. That night I couldn’t be that person, all I could do was hold you in my arms and pray that you understood, that one day, maybe I could love you like wanted.

But that’s not today, and I’m not that person

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all the things i never said.

My love,

I was never meant to fall in love with you. It was something I always told myself I could not do, because it would ruin everything. And I don’t want to ruin you. But somewhere over the last few months, I couldn’t help it. I tried to fight those feelings these past few years, and I think I made myself believe that it worked. But it hadn’t not really. Those feeling I kept hidden were in my blood, they were scattered in my words, you were suddenly everywhere.

I’m not asking for you to feel the same way because I don’t think you know what you want yet, and that’s okay, and maybe you wont ever feel the same way about me. But I need to tell you how I feel because if I don’t it might kill me. When we met, we were so young I was still figuring myself out but you always seemed so head strong, you seemed to know what you wanted and you went after that and to be honest I was envious that you could just do that, somethings haven’t change you always make me smile. When the summer came you left me for the first time, and all I remember was I didn’t like that absence, I missed you. As we grew over the summer we both made choices I choice to say where you always seemed to choice to leave, which it hurt but it was your choice. You were always good at leaving me, and with the final one, with our last chapter coming to a close I don’t think I can forgive you, I just want more time, that this can’t be the end, not without you hearing these words. Every so often you left me, but you always came back I never did like saying goodbye to you even if it wasn’t really a goodbye just a see you soon. We did this for a couple of years and those feelings that I felt  for you became dormant I was able to get on with my life without the thought of missing you, I moved on, kissed over people, fell in love with people I knew I shouldn’t. But I guess in the end they wouldn’t hurt as much as you.

As we came back together, we always clashed. We fought but it was never out of hate, I think it was because we loved one another in someway. I couldn’t tell you when I fell in love with you but I did. I never told you but you were always the one I wanted to tell everything too. I wish I had the courage to send you this letter, to just tell you how I feel, that maybe this could be more than one-sided, an unrequited love.

You told me things I wish I never heard, for me to picture you with someone else was heart-wrenching because sometimes I wished I could be that person for you, the one you wanted. And what was worse that some nights the ones you can’t remember you tried to kiss me, and I just couldn’t let you because it wouldn’t be a meaningless kiss for me, sometimes I wish it could be. But you don’t know who you’re looking for, and I don’t know if I’d fit into your life into your heart. In the moments we’re alone we’re always touching and sometimes darling it gives me hope that you could like me, but every time it happens I push these feelings down because if I don’t I’m scared that I’ll do something and it will ruin us, who’d have thought a kiss from your lips would be that dangerous? That my love for you could be our downfall.

I’m jealous, and it pains me to say it, he’s kissed you and you’ve slept with her, and I’m here writing you this letter hoping one day you’ll feel the same. You’re a pipe dream and I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish just for once the girl I love feels the same way. Maybe one day. In another life, I wouldn’t feel like this. Theres a universe somewhere… I can’t keep hoping like this that maybe you could be as madly in love with me as I am with you.

You will leave, and it wont be like the first time because I know in my heart you wont be coming back. After everything I don’t want to lose this, lose you. I never thought I’d have to write an ending for you, because somewhere I always believed you’d stay. That you could have been the one to stay.

Our story would read, for one fell in love and the other would leave never knowing you broke their heart. When you leave you will break this heart, and somewhere I’ll still be here hoping you’ll come back. I love you, more than I ever knew, maybe one day you’ll know or maybe one day you’ll finally read these words and realise they are meant for you.

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My love for you burned for so long those embers set fire to my heart.

We never followed our hearts, maybe they could have brought us together. But as the years passed we were always close but never together, not really. You went off to follow your dreams, I never followed I always stayed. You always came back, but as our time is fading, this feels final, like this is the end. That we wont get this chance ever again. I never took that chance with you, but heres the thing I’ve still got time before you walk out that door and leave me. So if this is my last chance to love you, give me a sign, let me know that you feel something too because I don’t know if I can’t live with us being unfinished or a possibility that we could have always been more if only we had listened to our hearts. 

-my love for you burned for so long those embers set fire to my heart.//t.c

 

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All writers know how to bleed

There was a time and a place in which I never knew you.

It was simpler then, you were a dream,

a fantasy,

a distant memory in this writers heart.

I can’t go back to the time where I never knew you.

I can’t live in a world where you don’t love me.

But you don’t and that’s the world I’m in.

Things changed,

we moved on.

And I can’t live in this story forever.

I wish this was easy,

that stories like us, like this were just tragedies that you would read,

that they weren’t real life.

But this was our story. You left me,

broken and bleeding,

quite tragic really.

– all writers know how to bleed.//t.c

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Darling I love you. I always will but history was not kind to us.

Let me tell you the story of a boy who loved a girl, of how he loved her and how she loved him more than anything, but the gods, history and the universe did not adore them like they loved each other. Promise me one day we will meet again, that this isn’t the end, that this won’t ruin us and be our undoing I asked. As she kissed me we swore to the gods that they wouldn’t break us, that in the history books we would be remembered as the star crossed lovers without the tragedy. But our story wasn’t a happy one just like the fates predicted; our love was beautiful and tragic all at once. I handed her my once beating heart which I handed to her willingly, she was my life. Take care of that my love I told her for I wouldn’t need it. That in this story I would not let her become a tragedy. But history did not care for star crossed lovers. We knew happiness, we were just not lucky. Tragedy ran though our blood deep into the soul.

–Darling I love you. I always will but history was not kind to us.//t.c