Posted on by tashjcurry

eternally yours, in the understanding that you will never be mine.

i would call but times made a fool out of me. months have passed since we last spoke. darling and this is what’s become of us. you’re a stranger. someone i no longer know. the sad thing is that i don’t think i ever truly did. somehow you meant so much to me in so little time but now these months have passed and you’re gone, like you were never really here. but if i’m being completely honest i miss you. and i know what your going to say, i know it sounds stupid, trust me i know. i know i’m a hopeless romantic, i feel things too deeply, and i love too much and have a breakable heart. there have been so many times i’ve wanted to reach out, my fingers have hovered over your name too many times. i don’t think i should, i think this time i’ll keep it to myself. and darling there are somethings i don’t want to know, for the sake of my own heart. i think i need to let it be. but why couldn’t it be simple. can’t i just miss you, does it have to be in a certain way. i just miss you being in my life, i wanted you to stay. i didn’t want it to end this way. there’s this grief, this heartbreak that comes with the passage of time, when these unsaid feelings are left never to reach you. darling i was careless with our time, my words and my heart. there’s been this ache in my chest ever since you left and i can’t quite explain why i so greatly feel the loss of you when you never really mine to lose. i feel like i’m being haunted by the what ifs, the what could have beens, a foolish dream. what am i meant to do with these memories, they still haunt my heart. i remember that night, the one we sat for hours talking. i smiled like an idiot all the way home. midnight was fast approaching but sleep wouldn’t come. you left me with my heart racing. it was that night that made me realise my feelings for you. i would have waited hours just to see you smile at me the way you did that night. i think we both know that these were never just words, never just feelings. it couldn’t be simple. it would always mean something. these words will always mean something. you’ll always mean something to me.

-eternally yours, in the understanding that you will never be mine.//t.c

Posted on by tashjcurry

sorry darling if this is getting to you a little late, i was never good with timing.

i wanted it to be you. i’d hoped it be you. darling, how could i not love you. you came into my life when i needed someone, i didn’t realise how lonely i was. these past years made me cold. i forgot what it was like to feel like this. the butterflies, my heart beating out my chest. you made me feel less blue. i know nothing will come of this. and i know it ended as soon as it started. i know you don’t feel the same way. it’s a fleeting feeling, the fine line between love and heartbreak. i don’t know if i’ll ever see you again, if we’ll ever speak again and there’s this sadness that comes with that. that it’ll never been the same again. we’ll never be the same again. darling there’s so much i want to say but i don’t know how, and i don’t want these words to hurt you. there were so many times i wanted to text you, to call you and hear your voice but i’m scared of the silence that comes after. i don’t know what to do with these feelings, truth be told i miss you, i didn’t know heartache could feel like this. but i guess that’s the risk we take. to have the courage to give someone your heart and say ‘there’s a part of me that’s yours’. i guess you never know how someones going to affect your life, how they can take home in your heart. and sometimes all you want to do is hold onto them, and the heartbreaking thing is sometimes you can’t. i guess it’s not up to you, and the sad thing is you think you’ve got all the time in the world. so my advice tell people how you feel before it’s too late. tell them that they light up rooms, that they make you happy, that they’re are a shot of expresso on a sunday morning, that they are sunshine on a rainy day. that they brightened your heart. it doesn’t matter in what way just tell them you love them. because if you don’t how will they ever know.

– sorry darling if this is getting to you a little late, i was never good with timing.

Posted on by tashjcurry

heartbreak season

times moved on, and i’m here forgetting. memories blur, i can’t remember the sound of your laugh, the way you said my name, and the way my heart felt when i was with you. darling i’ve been left with only sadness for a long time, longer than i’d care to admit. i never knew how overwhelming it could be, how it comes in waves. how heartbreaking it is to live with it. i will have loved you for ten years. nearly a third of my life. and in that time i’ve been half in love, half heartbreak. i never knew how much joy you’d bring, you would always light up the room, everyone loved you and i would always want to be the one to make you laugh. and i never realised when you’d leave how much sadness it would bring. i never knew it would linger, that it would become a part of me. i know i never told you a lot of things, all the things i should have told you. i should have told you – you were my first love, the one that felt real. i never imagined that you’d become a stranger, someone i’d no longer know. i miss you, yet now i don’t know now if i could ever just be your friend. maybe this distance between us was a blessing, but darling it feels like a curse. maybe we weren’t meant to withstand the test of time. maybe we weren’t meant to be together, but god i regret a lot of things when it comes to you and i’d go back in a heartbeat, for just more time with you. 

–heartbreak season

Posted on by tashjcurry

i dreamed that i’d be waiting for you, watching you walk down the aisle. but that’s just a dream. one now i know will never come true. 

you looked beautiful, all in white. i’ve been seeing pockets of your life for years now. darling time has caught up to me, and i didn’t realise how much we faded from each others memory. i never wanted to become a stranger to you, with messages left on read, no reply. i wish i could say time has healed but it hasn’t especially the place in my heart left by you. i’m haunted by dreams of what could have been, if only i made a different choice that night. maybe i’d be with you. i was so scared of admitting my feelings and losing you but now i’m left with only your ghost haunting these memories. darling there was a time in my life where everything revolved around you, nothing else mattered. i will never know if my love was requited. sleep never comes easy, often i dream of you, sometimes it’s in the form of old memories, happy ones. time and time again some dreams give me second chance to make a different choice. and with that choice i always choose you. i was foolish years ago not kissing you that night because that’s all i wanted to do. i lost you when the years came and went with no reply, i never not thought we’d be in each others lives. i thought we’d always be ‘us’. time changed and we grew apart. and i should have taken those chances because at least then i would have known what it was like to kiss you, to have risked having my heart broken because the latter of not taking those chances has left regret. darling i must confess i’ve loved you for nearly ten years and i never told you how i felt. it was always here in my words yet they could never leave my lips. loving you were some of the best years of my life. i didn’t see you walking down the aisle, i wasn’t there waiting for you like my dream. i’m sorry i never told you how i felt. and now i never will because your happy and that’s all i ever wanted. so i’ll settle for the photographs laying here with all the letters never to be sent. 

–i dreamed that i’d be waiting for you, watching you walk down the aisle. but that’s just a dream. one now i know will never come true. 

Posted on by tashjcurry

i’ll never know what we could have been.

my heart hasn’t changed. that’s terrifying after all this time. and it would be okay if you weren’t in love with someone else. i’ve held onto us for far too long darling. i can’t do this, my heart can’t take it. i want to let go. it’s nearly been ten years since you walked into my life, i wish i knew at eighteen what i know now. i would have done so many things differently. i would have asked you out, hell i would have told you i loved you for a very long time, longer than i realised. there were so many things i should have told you. i’d do it all again, just for a second. i’ve been missing you ever since you left and walked right out of my life. i guess i’m homesick for something that never was. i wish i wasn’t scared to ruin our friendship but you meant everything to me then, you were the constant in my life and i didn’t want to loose that. i never knew how you felt and god sometimes i wish i did. but i don’t know if that would bring me peace after all this time or just break my heart. i just want you to believe me, there were so many times i wanted to tell you. i was in a constant sate of distress between my head and my heart. but i never realised in not telling you, i was breaking my own heart and those three words could have saved me.

– i’ll never know what we could have been.

Posted on by tashjcurry

eight years later and all i want is to go home.

i never knew falling in love with you would be like slipping on my favourite sweater in autumn, cozying up near the fire in winter, darling you were a sunrise. there was never that moment of realisation, i just knew in my bones that i’ll love you for a lifetime. i was eighteen when we met, heartbroken and scared to love again but you came into my life and loving you became effortless, almost like breathing and i didn’t realise i was in love until it was too late. sometimes i wish i could go back to the beginning and savour those moments, for me five years, 1826 days were simply not enough, i could never have enough time with you darling, i would always wanted more. but times a funny thing and years later you still have a piece of my heart and i so desperately want to call you and hear your voice, just to hold you in my arms, tell you that i miss you. there were so many drunken nights, too many ‘almost’ that still plague my heart. three years later i’m still here, with a broken heart still wanting you. i should have told you i was in love with you. fuck i should have kissed you that night outside the bar. i should have done a lot of things differently when it came to you. i was scared you wouldn’t feel the same, that i made it all up in my head because how could someone love me. our story changed that night, maybe you thought i didn’t love you and god how wrong you were. maybe it’s too early, maybe i’m too young and i shouldn’t say this but darling you were the love of my life and the grief that came when watching you love someone who wasn’t me was haunting. like falling in love with you, losing you didn’t happen all at once, it was painfully slow watching fall in love with another knowing i missed my chance. i remember the times where i would have you in my arms, it felt like home, and in my heart i know i will never walk through that door again. i can never go home to you. 

– eight years later and all i want is to go home.

Posted on by tashjcurry

my heart followed you out the door.

i remember it vividly the day i met you. it was the summer time, i walked right through the door not knowing what to expect but then i saw you, you were like sunshine on a rainy day. darling you brightened my heart from being weathered in a constant storm. you smiled at me and i knew i was going to love you from the day i met you. i’d been so heartbroken my dear, but slowly with you that started to disappear. there was this playfulness you brought and i was so curious to figure your heart. you intrigued me. but was i a fool to think you could have loved me too? because there we times i almost allowed myself to believe, in-between the tender touches, lingering hugs, meaningful glances. i never knew when you said ‘ i love you’ our time was gong to run out. you said you weren’t going to leave. i never knew the end was coming, i didn’t think you were going to leave me so soon. the truth is i could spend all my life with you and it would never be enough. i would always want more. i always want more time with you. 

– my heart followed you out the door.

Posted on by tashjcurry

you were a dream i wanted to come true for a very long time. you were a dream that i loved, one that still gives me deja vu.

i saw you and there was this weird deja vu i hadn’t felt for a very long time. suddenly i was back in a memory, where you were still here with me. i was twenty one again and slowly falling in love with you and we had all the time in the world. i didn’t think i’d ever see you again after that party in november but i’m glad i did. i didn’t know how it was possible to miss a person that much and when i saw you again, in your arms i was at ease. i just wanted to hold you and never let you go. letting you go the first time was agonising enough. 

but i guess heartbreak can strike twice, that was the night you told me you were leaving, moving further away from me. this would be the last time i saw you. there were never enough words to describe the feelings i had for you. i was just so happy to see you even though you we breaking my heart again.

that night it felt i was living in a memory, a happy one. as we parted off into the night, the final goodbyes looming, i should have said ‘it always good to see you. you don’t realise how much i’ve missed you’. but there was only silence until you said ‘one day i’m going to ring you and find out all the incredible things you’ve done’. i love you was on the tip of my tongue in that empty car park under the stars. we were never going to be here again.  

i should have told you so many things that night but what good would have come from telling you how much i loved you. i watched you for a second time walk out my life not knowing if i’d ever see you again and that was a tragedy.

– you were a dream i wanted to come true for a very long time. you were a dream that i loved, one that still gives me deja vu. 

Posted on by tashjcurry

it was the night before december and all was well.

it had been years, and the feelings i had for you became easier to live with. but it was that night in november when i saw you again. i had seen you from a distance from across the room and my heart just ached. i didn’t expect to feel this way again. yet it came to the end of the night as i was saying my goodbyes, i couldn’t leave without seeing you, i wouldn’t have forgiven myself. you were at the bar, my hand naturally went to reach out for you, as you turned around, you smiled. and in that moment i was twenty-one again, completely and madly in love with you. as you hugged me, relief washed over me as i held on to you tighter. i had forgotten how you made me feel. and in that moment i missed you and everything we could have been if only we had the time. as we broke our embrace, your hand went to cup my face, you looked into my eyes. i hope you saw everything i meant to say all those years ago. it had been years but every time i would see you, it was like those feelings never truly left. 

– it was the night before december and all was well.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i can finally say time has healed all memory of you.

it was on that rainy november night three hearts broke. as we stood in the pouring rain on your porch steps, the cold seeping it’s way into my bones. i stood facing the women i loved, i knew a chapter was closing as i reached for her hand, the tears falling from her face. for i knew in my heart it wasn’t just the chapter ending it was the book. there was nothing left to do, there was nothing i could do she made the choice for the both of us. we wouldn’t be the same after this. there would be nothing left after that night. 

the rain pored down but it didn’t matter as we were in our own world, if was the last time i’d ever see her i should have held her tighter. we just stood holding each other. i kept saying ‘it’s okay’, that was lie i told myself and it didn’t help. what i should have said was ‘ i love you. please don’t give up on us’. 

i remember leaving, walking away from you, my heart broke with every step. i walked your street so many times i didn’t know it would become a memory from another time when i left. i never thought then you’d become a memory. but you made that choice for me, so there was no other option. you became a memory constantly fading from my heart ever since i left you on that porch in the pouring rain. 

oh how you broke so many hearts. 

–i can finally say time has healed all memory of you.