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sorry darling if this is getting to you a little late, i was never good with timing.

i wanted it to be you. i’d hoped it be you. darling, how could i not love you. you came into my life when i needed someone, i didn’t realise how lonely i was. these past years made me cold. i forgot what it was like to feel like this. the butterflies, my heart beating out my chest. you made me feel less blue. i know nothing will come of this. and i know it ended as soon as it started. i know you don’t feel the same way. it’s a fleeting feeling, the fine line between love and heartbreak. i don’t know if i’ll ever see you again, if we’ll ever speak again and there’s this sadness that comes with that. that it’ll never been the same again. we’ll never be the same again. darling there’s so much i want to say but i don’t know how, and i don’t want these words to hurt you. there were so many times i wanted to text you, to call you and hear your voice but i’m scared of the silence that comes after. i don’t know what to do with these feelings, truth be told i miss you, i didn’t know heartache could feel like this. but i guess that’s the risk we take. to have the courage to give someone your heart and say ‘there’s a part of me that’s yours’. i guess you never know how someones going to affect your life, how they can take home in your heart. and sometimes all you want to do is hold onto them, and the heartbreaking thing is sometimes you can’t. i guess it’s not up to you, and the sad thing is you think you’ve got all the time in the world. so my advice tell people how you feel before it’s too late. tell them that they light up rooms, that they make you happy, that they’re are a shot of expresso on a sunday morning, that they are sunshine on a rainy day. that they brightened your heart. it doesn’t matter in what way just tell them you love them. because if you don’t how will they ever know.

– sorry darling if this is getting to you a little late, i was never good with timing.

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this all consuming crush, will my heart take it.

i know 

            you will be all consuming, 

there’s butterflies

and my hearts racing. 

i forgot what it felt like, 

having a crush. 

there’s that fine line 

not knowing what will become of us,

                                                  it could be nothing 

or it could be everything. 

you could become everything. 

everything to me. 

–this all consuming crush, will my heart take it.

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heartbreak season

times moved on, and i’m here forgetting. memories blur, i can’t remember the sound of your laugh, the way you said my name, and the way my heart felt when i was with you. darling i’ve been left with only sadness for a long time, longer than i’d care to admit. i never knew how overwhelming it could be, how it comes in waves. how heartbreaking it is to live with it. i will have loved you for ten years. nearly a third of my life. and in that time i’ve been half in love, half heartbreak. i never knew how much joy you’d bring, you would always light up the room, everyone loved you and i would always want to be the one to make you laugh. and i never realised when you’d leave how much sadness it would bring. i never knew it would linger, that it would become a part of me. i know i never told you a lot of things, all the things i should have told you. i should have told you – you were my first love, the one that felt real. i never imagined that you’d become a stranger, someone i’d no longer know. i miss you, yet now i don’t know now if i could ever just be your friend. maybe this distance between us was a blessing, but darling it feels like a curse. maybe we weren’t meant to withstand the test of time. maybe we weren’t meant to be together, but god i regret a lot of things when it comes to you and i’d go back in a heartbeat, for just more time with you. 

–heartbreak season

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things i should have told you, but didn’t.

you should have told her,

that she gave you butterflies

and made your palms sweaty

but you didn’t. 

you should have told her,

that her voice was the one

you’d hear in a crowded room.

that you wanted to listen to that laugh 

for the rest of your life.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that when she kissed your cheek 

for the first time, it fixed your 

broken heart and re-

awakened your soul.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that night you were scared.

that to love her,

would mean you’d be in ruin.

you couldn’t face what it would mean

if she didn’t love you.

you were scared that eventually after 

all this time to listen to your heart

you’d loose her and her love.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

outside on that cold january night

that she was worth the risk of heartbreak.

that looking into her eyes hoping 

she wouldn’t see past your facade,

that the truth was beating out of your chest.

you should have told her the truth

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that if you kissed her it wouldn’t

be a meaningless kiss.

it would always be more than that.

she’d always mean more than that.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

you were falling in love

before she fell for 

someone else.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that seeing her with someone

else was slowly breaking your heart.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that you could be that

person she wanted.

that you’d love her forever.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

to stay.

that when she left you’d be 

missing half of yourself,

you’d only be half whole.

but you didn’t.

i should have told you,

i loved you

but i didn’t.

– things i should have told you, but didn’t.

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eight years later and all i want is to go home.

i never knew falling in love with you would be like slipping on my favourite sweater in autumn, cozying up near the fire in winter, darling you were a sunrise. there was never that moment of realisation, i just knew in my bones that i’ll love you for a lifetime. i was eighteen when we met, heartbroken and scared to love again but you came into my life and loving you became effortless, almost like breathing and i didn’t realise i was in love until it was too late. sometimes i wish i could go back to the beginning and savour those moments, for me five years, 1826 days were simply not enough, i could never have enough time with you darling, i would always wanted more. but times a funny thing and years later you still have a piece of my heart and i so desperately want to call you and hear your voice, just to hold you in my arms, tell you that i miss you. there were so many drunken nights, too many ‘almost’ that still plague my heart. three years later i’m still here, with a broken heart still wanting you. i should have told you i was in love with you. fuck i should have kissed you that night outside the bar. i should have done a lot of things differently when it came to you. i was scared you wouldn’t feel the same, that i made it all up in my head because how could someone love me. our story changed that night, maybe you thought i didn’t love you and god how wrong you were. maybe it’s too early, maybe i’m too young and i shouldn’t say this but darling you were the love of my life and the grief that came when watching you love someone who wasn’t me was haunting. like falling in love with you, losing you didn’t happen all at once, it was painfully slow watching fall in love with another knowing i missed my chance. i remember the times where i would have you in my arms, it felt like home, and in my heart i know i will never walk through that door again. i can never go home to you. 

– eight years later and all i want is to go home.

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the years hadn’t changed my feelings, but loving you hurt.

we sat in a quiet coffee shop, with so much history between us. the years had not been kind on my heart darling, it was too late to tell you how much i cared, how much i loved you, that i’d loved you for years. so i did the only thing i could do, i sat and listened to your life, the one i wasn’t apart of anymore and all i wanted to do was tell you how much i missed you. that the years hadn’t changed my feelings, and god i wish they did. i wanted to tell you, you were the love of my life but you’d had found the love of yours and you were finally happy, you talked about her, your home and wanting to start a family. my broken heart was screaming just tell her because maybe she loved you too and i don’t doubt she did, but it was a familiar type of love, it was not the same. so i just listened to your stories, hoping it would never end because i hated watching you leave over and over again, never knowing if you’d come back. as we left the empty coffee shops, mugs on the table, all i could hear in the silence was the sound of my heart. i hugged you hoping i could pour everything into this one moment. so i could let it be because i didn’t know if those moments would be all we had. i never knew if it would be the last time i saw you. maybe this was all i was going to get from loving you, being left heartbroken. 

–the years hadn’t changed my feelings, but loving you hurt. 

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history loved those violent delights and tragic lovers. 

when all is said and done,

we were never going to be here again.

the ending was already written 

in our blood, 

tethered by fate. 

yet i know our stories get retold,

rewritten, distorted with time. 

and they’ll forget how we fell in love 

how we tried to overcome all odds.

but i wish to remember us there way we were 

in this story, 

our moment in time,

under the same stars, 

that after everything we were happy

regardless of what we became. 

darling there’s so much i didn’t say, 

so much history took from us.

there was so much we could have become

if only we had the time. 

but that never was going to be our story,

the legacy we left. 

we would always be a star-crossed tragedy,

cursed in the name of love.

– history loved those violent delights and tragic lovers. 

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my heart followed you out the door.

i remember it vividly the day i met you. it was the summer time, i walked right through the door not knowing what to expect but then i saw you, you were like sunshine on a rainy day. darling you brightened my heart from being weathered in a constant storm. you smiled at me and i knew i was going to love you from the day i met you. i’d been so heartbroken my dear, but slowly with you that started to disappear. there was this playfulness you brought and i was so curious to figure your heart. you intrigued me. but was i a fool to think you could have loved me too? because there we times i almost allowed myself to believe, in-between the tender touches, lingering hugs, meaningful glances. i never knew when you said ‘ i love you’ our time was gong to run out. you said you weren’t going to leave. i never knew the end was coming, i didn’t think you were going to leave me so soon. the truth is i could spend all my life with you and it would never be enough. i would always want more. i always want more time with you. 

– my heart followed you out the door.

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you were a dream i wanted to come true for a very long time. you were a dream that i loved, one that still gives me deja vu.

i saw you and there was this weird deja vu i hadn’t felt for a very long time. suddenly i was back in a memory, where you were still here with me. i was twenty one again and slowly falling in love with you and we had all the time in the world. i didn’t think i’d ever see you again after that party in november but i’m glad i did. i didn’t know how it was possible to miss a person that much and when i saw you again, in your arms i was at ease. i just wanted to hold you and never let you go. letting you go the first time was agonising enough. 

but i guess heartbreak can strike twice, that was the night you told me you were leaving, moving further away from me. this would be the last time i saw you. there were never enough words to describe the feelings i had for you. i was just so happy to see you even though you we breaking my heart again.

that night it felt i was living in a memory, a happy one. as we parted off into the night, the final goodbyes looming, i should have said ‘it always good to see you. you don’t realise how much i’ve missed you’. but there was only silence until you said ‘one day i’m going to ring you and find out all the incredible things you’ve done’. i love you was on the tip of my tongue in that empty car park under the stars. we were never going to be here again.  

i should have told you so many things that night but what good would have come from telling you how much i loved you. i watched you for a second time walk out my life not knowing if i’d ever see you again and that was a tragedy.

– you were a dream i wanted to come true for a very long time. you were a dream that i loved, one that still gives me deja vu. 

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it was the night before december and all was well.

it had been years, and the feelings i had for you became easier to live with. but it was that night in november when i saw you again. i had seen you from a distance from across the room and my heart just ached. i didn’t expect to feel this way again. yet it came to the end of the night as i was saying my goodbyes, i couldn’t leave without seeing you, i wouldn’t have forgiven myself. you were at the bar, my hand naturally went to reach out for you, as you turned around, you smiled. and in that moment i was twenty-one again, completely and madly in love with you. as you hugged me, relief washed over me as i held on to you tighter. i had forgotten how you made me feel. and in that moment i missed you and everything we could have been if only we had the time. as we broke our embrace, your hand went to cup my face, you looked into my eyes. i hope you saw everything i meant to say all those years ago. it had been years but every time i would see you, it was like those feelings never truly left. 

– it was the night before december and all was well.