maybe we’ll never truly know who left first. but i think we both know the truth, i’m sorry my love.

there will always be a part of my heart that will always hurt, will always ache for the piece you took when you left. a dull ache that i can’t shake. you left your mark on my heart. i wish i chose another path, i wish you could have stayed, told me everything was going to be okay. i’ll never forget that night, you broke my heart, i broke yours too. i should have stayed, i should have fought harder, i shouldn’t have said all those things that weren’t true. it would have been easier to say you shouldn’t have fallen for somebody new. but i’m not that person anymore. you broke my heart, and you should have hated me for what i did. i know i should have closed this book years ago, i should never have reopened is wound you left. sometimes i wish you could have been the one to have stayed, that i should have left first. but i guess that’s the difference between our story, to the ones telling it, because i know you’ll say i was the one to leave first. maybe i should have stayed. i wished you could have stayed, that the part of my heart, the piece that you took, wished that could you’d have just stayed. 

– maybe we’ll never truly know who left first. but i think we both know the truth, i’m sorry my love. 

it was one of the many lies I had to tell myself.

“ You loved her. Didn’t you? You never stopped…” my therapist asked. 

“ Yeah I did. I really did ”.

Did she love you? ”. 

Silence filled the room, it was suffocating. That question had played on my mind for years, it was the question I locked away hoping that one day when I was stronger I could answer it truthfully, and today was not that day.

“ I don’t think so, she just loved the idea of me, it always felt like she wanted a better version. Or maybe she did, I just couldn’t see it. But now I’ll never know. “

 “ Will that not knowing torment you? ”

Yes. 

You didn’t tell him that you had already lost sleep, that that feeling she left made you sick to your stomach. You couldn’t tell him that you’d never felt a heartbreak quite like this, that you felt this enormous sense of guilt for what you did. That you truly believed that your heart would never be able to pull itself back together. How could you say that this loss haunted your soul, how could you say that her demons became mine.

I took a deep breath and answered.

“ No. That not knowing might just save me some torment ”.

– it was one of the many lies I had to tell myself. 

i want to write a different story, one where the hero ends up happy.

I can’t want this anymore,

I can’t want you anymore.

I don’t want to write about the possibility of us when

I know this isn’t a story of you and me.

It never was.

It never will be.

I need to find a new love,

someone I can love,

someone who will love me.

That will be the story,

the one I want to write.

i want to write a different story, one where the hero ends up happy.

this dream was always playing round my head, you were always in my heart.

you will always be an almost.

something that never was.

we were just a dream.

a perfect heartbreaking dream.

maybe that dream will become a story,

one day.

maybe in that story we’ll be something

more than an almost.

something that will withstand the test of time.

maybe someday,

maybe we’ll always be a dream

i had.

but i know

we had something,

there was something,

maybe it was love.

maybe it wasn’t.

but in this life,

we’ll always be an almost love.

– this dream was always playing round my head, you were always in my heart.

perhaps the most tragic fate of all is to fall in love and to be punished for it.

You know you can’t have her. She’s not yours to have. But she fascinates you. I think it’s because she knows her worth. She knows she is beautiful, she knows her smile lights up rooms. She knows she can make you fall in love. You want a girl you can’t have, and that will kill you. She’s the girl you read poems about, the girl who will set you on fire to keep herself warm, yet you won’t mind. She is the poison in your blood; she will stop your heart. This girl seems to have everything, yet she hasn’t got something that you have, she doesn’t love herself. She has no hope. But you will love her anyway in spite of everything she will put you through. She is your downfall, your greatest destruction. Her hearts vacant and your ‘I love yous’ don’t work because sometimes loves not enough and words don’t work. And there’s no way you can turn a tragedy like her into poetry.

– perhaps the most tragic fate of all is to fall in love and to be punished for it.

 

 

you could not have loved a god and expected anything less than a tragedy

It was the fatal flaw

all of

humanity possessed,

 

to love

and be loved.

 

My fatal flaw was you,

my love.

 

all i wanted was you.

 

I would’ve

blindly followed you

to the ends of the earth,

come heaven and hell

 

because i loved you.

 

But like gods do,

you could never loved a

mere mortal

like me

without fear of a tragedy.

 

 

you were golden like the sun,

and i the moon,

 

dark and unforgiving.

with a heart that was breaking,

just to feel the warmth of your love.

– you could not have loved a god and expected anything less than a tragedy.

I found you in the wrong universe my love.

By the law of the multiverse there must be a universe out there where I made the right choices and they led me to loving you. But on the other hand my dear, there’s so many different stories, endless possibilities, questionable choices I must have made. And the heartbreaking realisation…that fatal conclusion that out there somewhere there’s a universe in which where we don’t end up together.

So there must be a universe where we’re together. I hope in that universe I didn’t wait until the end of the story to tell you that I loved you, that it was always you. That it should have been you from the very beginning, I’m sorry my love I got lost in someone else eyes, when it should have been you I was falling for. In this universe, the one in which I’m writing this I never told you how much you meant to me. I waited too long, I never found the right words. There was never the right time and you my love found somebody else. But somewhere, in another time, another world I hope I found the right words, I hope you found me amongst these pages. I hope I found you. 

There’s a universe one in which when we met all those years ago when we were young and in love, we never had to go down separate paths forced by fate. We were never given a choice to choose each other in that story. And at the end, after everything, after all of those labours we faced we were told we couldn’t find our way back to each other, that it was the will of the gods. How cruel that the universes got to decide if we could ever be together, after everything, all those sacrifices. After being separated for centuries at the hands of the gods our love became forgotten by history, and I guess we slowly forgot too. But this time, in this story the laws of the universe, fate, the gods could never separate us again because falling in love with one another was our fate all along, and that should have been our story.

But those are just other dreams, memories, distant stories of hopes of maybe and might have beens.

There’s a universe where we never met, and we go our whole lives missing something that we can never find. And the sad thing is that we would never know what we’re missing. There are ones where we are strangers who never connected, passing one another on the street pained with a heavy feeling in their chests.

There had to be one story, the one wrong universe where we couldn’t have had a happy ending. There had to be one universe my love, and it was a tragedy that it had to be this one. I hope you find these words in whatever time my love, the ones I longed to stay but never did.

I’m sorry for all I never said, all of the things you never heard in this universe. Maybe we’ll be happy in the next, maybe in another life. Maybe, just maybe.

 

another place in time you were infintly mine

Here lies my love for you, scattered in words unspoken, letters I’ve never sent. It would only be here in my words with the hope that one day you would read them.

If you love someone don’t wait to tell them. I always make excuses that it was never the right time, never the right moment. I had months to tell you that I loved you. But I didn’t because honestly I was scared. Because loving you terrifies me, and I know deep down you’re the only person who can hurt me. I never thought I would have fallen for you, but after all these years how could I not. Love never did come easy to me and I could never hold on, it always slipped through my fingers. I knew you would break my heart, and you did because you found her.

I wanted to tell you everything but I couldn’t ruin what we have. You are one of the only good things in my life. I couldn’t lose you. And to be honest I couldn’t hear those words out your mouth

“I’m sorry. I don’t love you in that way”. 

So how do you kill a feeling? Here are all these words left unsaid buried with my love for you. Where the thought of us can be laid to rest with the all the hopes of maybes and might have beens.  I want you to be happy and you deserve her, you deserve love. And I know you think you don’t, but my love you deserve it the most. I just hope your happy, I hope she makes you happy.

Maybe one day you’ll realise everything I ever wrote was about you. And I hope you’ll know that whenever your reading this, if you ever find these words in another place, another time.

I loved you, and I’m sorry I never did tell you sooner.

But you’re happy so I guess something after better left unsaid.

without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love.

There’s a universe out there, one in which we will never meet. One where we never fall in love and break each others hearts. Maybe that’s the universe I want because I wouldn’t be hurting right now. We would never have ended up like this. But that’s another story, an easier one. But it would have been a very different tale, and it wouldn’t have made me into the person I am today. You changed me and maybe I’ll never truly understand why we ended the way we did but because of you I found peace in these words.

– without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love. 

even after years the thought of you still being somewhere in my heart terrifies me.

She reminds me of you and at times I have to stop myself from calling out your name.

How is it that I managed to stop looking for you in the eyes of others but when I look at her all I can see if you. When I look at her my heart tightens in anticipation of it breaking again, you still sometimes come back in echo’s. She’s not you darling but she could be and that thought terrifies me because this isn’t that story, I won’t let it happen again. I won’t write that ending a second time.

I feel like I’m seventeen again wanting to find that piece of myself in an old feeling hidden amongst pages.  Somehow I’m still finding you in other people and nothing scares me more than the thought of your name on my lips. I believed I could finally be at peace, that after all this time you still find a way back onto these pages long after your chapter ended.

 

– even after years the thought of you still being somewhere in my heart terrifies me.