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my body is a cage

this isn’t my skin, nor my body. i’m trapped in this cage. my soul, my heart does not beat the same. this isn’t me? this doesn’t feel right. i don’t think it ever did. as i write these words nothing makes sense. this can’t be it. this isn’t my life. this body is foreign to me, this isn’t my skin. my soul is screaming can’t you see? all this rage, all that anger i know where it stems from, it’s because i feel lost, that this isn’t me. you’re trapped, your hearts breaking, your soul is tormenting you. 

you know what you have to do. it won’t be easy. your life never was. i’m sorry you’ve felt this way for so long, you were so quiet it was like you could forget the pain, the suffering if only for a second in the silence, in the peace that you’d be stronger tomorrow. soon you’ll be able to breath and exhale. 

things will change, you will be able to begin again. there is always the hope that comes with starting a new. 

–my body is a cage. 

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the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.

the city felt lonely. there was this sadness, an emptiness. my heart could feel the cold seeping in. as i walked the crowed street i went to reach for your hand, you weren’t there. i stopped dead in my tracks. you were a memory. 

that’s all i had let of you, memories. there was nothing else, you took everything when you left. my heart was empty, and the city was home to all this heartbreak. as i walked the streets i was reminded of you. nothing else. 

how could this city haunt me, how could it break my heart. how could i keep walking these streets, knowing they were leading me back to you. 

–the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.

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we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.

some people never get closure, i never thought we would. but it came two years too late for us. i remember receiving your text, hands shaking, hovering over the message. it felt like i’d waited a lifetime just to hear from you again. it was polite the exchange of words, neither of us saying what we really wanted, how much we were still hurting. i wish then i could have said that i missed you, that i’d been missing you everyday since i broke your heart. i wish i could have said i was sorry, sorry that it took me so long to realise i wasn’t the only one hurting. 

our words, the conversation was too kind for what we were. it was too kind on a bitter heart of mine. i knew we didn’t have long, i don’t know why you reached out but i’m thankful you did. as the year faded it left us at a crossroads, this heart of mine knew it was time to close the book, we experienced the end. as we said goodbye, i knew we’d have to leave ourselves there for sometime, to never return, for i could not go back. 

–we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.

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new york. new york.

i remember that trip, i should have been happy. i was where i was meant to be. it was the place i’d hope to call home one day. but when i was there all i could think about was you, and how stupid i was for letting you go. i was heartbroken that summer. and i wonder if you were. i never knew who i was, sometimes i wonder if i’ll never know but back then the one thing i knew for sure was that i was falling in love with you. and i think a part of me will carry that with me, always. that city will always be home to my heartbreak, it will always hold my memories of you. for i hope one day i will be able to go back and remember the memory of you and know that feeling finally faded.

–new york. new york.

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i was just a soldier who gave their heart to a goddess

you loved girl 

who was filled with a fiery rage,

with this anger,

with war. 

with time

tragedy became her

but she was so much more

than that.

she held oceans in her eyes,

had galaxies in her heart,

there was stars in her blood.

she was a goddess,

and how could i love her?

with bloody knuckles,

broken bones,

fighting a losing war. 

i was no god, 

just a solider.

a weapon. 

how could she love me?

after what i’d done,

all i endured. 

i was damned,

left for ruin. 

war was not kind on the living.

it never was, 

yet she loved me all the same.

for i believe  

she took my heart

and i’d be damned to love her 

with every part of my soul. 

for i would always welcome ruin

if it meant i could keep 

loving her.

– i was just a soldier who gave their heart to a goddess.

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i just needed you to know.

when i got to the end,

with the last words 

you ever said to me

echoed through the pages.

i realised here were all 

the things i left unsaid.

the things i should have said,

the things i regret,

the things i needed you to hear.

so i will wait

for the day

for you

to read these words 

and realise for me

the story never ended

not really.

– i just needed you to know.

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halfway gone.

i can’t keep hoping for someday, because those dreams are broken just like our promises. we exist like this, basking in this grief, all this misery left with the silence we leave behind when we walk away. we become tragedies in other peoples stories. we let our dreams fade, become dormant and give ourselves too willingly to other people who will just break our hearts in the end. 

you’ll break my heart in the end. maybe these words won’t reach you, maybe they’ll mean nothing, fall on deaf ears. maybe i was not meant to love you like this. 

– halfway gone.

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maybe we’ll never truly know who left first. but i think we both know the truth, i’m sorry my love.

there will always be a part of my heart that will always hurt, will always ache for the piece you took when you left. a dull ache that i can’t shake. you left your mark on my heart. i wish i chose another path, i wish you could have stayed, told me everything was going to be okay. i’ll never forget that night, you broke my heart, i broke yours too. i should have stayed, i should have fought harder, i shouldn’t have said all those things that weren’t true. it would have been easier to say you shouldn’t have fallen for somebody new. but i’m not that person anymore. you broke my heart, and you should have hated me for what i did. i know i should have closed this book years ago, i should never have reopened is wound you left. sometimes i wish you could have been the one to have stayed, that i should have left first. but i guess that’s the difference between our story, to the ones telling it, because i know you’ll say i was the one to leave first. maybe i should have stayed. i wished you could have stayed, that the part of my heart, the piece that you took, wished that could you’d have just stayed. 

– maybe we’ll never truly know who left first. but i think we both know the truth, i’m sorry my love. 

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– the stages of heartbreak –

i never knew that when your heart breaks that wouldn’t be the worse part, it would be what follows. it was the fading memories that you can’t seem to hold onto, even though your trying just to hold onto that feeling, even if it’s just for a little longer. sometimes i can still feel the ghost of the fantom pain of your hand in mine, your thumb running over my knuckles. i’m forgetting the feeling of you in my arms. i’m struggling to remember the sound of my name from your lips, and that one smile you reserved just for me, that twinkle in your eyes. sometimes the days blur in those moments, those feelings are slowly fading from my memory, but only sometimes there’ll be an echo. now i can’t remember out last kiss, the way it felt on my lips. and the ways you would whisper ‘ i love yous’ between kisses, and the little things like the sound of your laugh. it’s not even like i can rewrite them to try and recreate them, it’s in those moments of finding memories i wish for them all back, just to be able to relive them, to be able to write them down, just too hold onto. i wished you stayed because then the heartache meant you were still here with me, and not like this. maybe i’ll forget everything with time, but i don’t think my heart truly will. i think i’ll always remember, like the night you left, the tears streaming down your face, the way my voice broke when i begged you for a second chance, that i wanted you to stay. i’ll remember the aftermath that followed as we sat down on your front door step, the cold seeping in, i remember the pain in your voice when you said you didn’t love me. i wish heartbreak was easier, because i want to forget, i want to forget you. but someway i knew i never would, our story was never a happy one. and one day i’ll find peace with that.

– the stages of heartbreak. 

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You wrote about her like she was the only love you’d ever know.

I never quite understood how a love like that could fall apart. How love couldn’t fix everything, that sometimes it’s not enough. That it wasn’t enough for me. That it couldn’t have been enough for you.

What if you were the one, what if I had just lost the love of my life? What if that one thought would torture me, leaving me with sleepless nights. Would we become one of those forgotten tragedies? Would we ever get our needed epilogue. Would I ever get my closure to end this heavy feeling in my heart. 

I wish sometimes I got a second chance with you, I’d have done things so differently. I wouldn’t have ran when things got serious. But then I might have never gone down this path, I might never have found myself and be who I needed. I might have still be pretending to be someone else, that’s a terrifying thought. Maybe I needed to lose you, but that doesn’t mean I liked dealing with that, the pain it brought.

Sometimes if I let my mind wander, there’s a different life out there for me. One’s where we were enough for each other. Sometimes that’s enough but still those thoughts can break your heart. I think I’ll be constantly living with a broken heart. I’ll always remember the time we had, and my love for you. But now things fade, everything getting distorted. Time was never kind, but then again neither was I. 

I couldn’t let go, I never could. You’d always be somewhere if not in my heart, in my words, never truly leaving me. And I hate that, because you’ll forget, move on and all that I’ll be left with is these words, that’s no comfort. It’ll never be enough for me, the memory of you.

– you wrote about her like she was the only love you’d ever know.