there were so many things i wrote down,
so you could never hear them.
all the things i wanted to say.
it wasn’t that i didn’t want to tell you,
because i did,
i do.
but every time i tried
i couldn’t.
i couldn’t tell you
i loved you.
because you never belonged to me,
you were always in love with someone else.
so i wrote them down
in the hopes of maybe one day
you’d realise everything i did
was because i loved you
even if you could never love me.
– all i wanted was to ask for your love.
in a few days you will leave,
and i’ll be left with a broken heart.
i never knew the monster at the end of our book would be time,
we were supposed to have forever to fall back together.
you told me you broke it off with him,
that you fell out of love.
darling,
you will be my biggest regret,
i wasted so many months hoping you’d give me a second chance,
and now it’s gone as fast as it came.
maybe one day we’ll get our chance,
until then i’ll settle with our almost,
somewhere out there i believe that we are together in another world,
another life.
and i’m the one who makes you happy.
– i love you, always [x] i loved you, almost [x] I think I’ll love you forever [x]
it was easier when you were gone,
i could keep the dream alive.
i could convince myself that it was
bad timing, a hopeless dream,
a trick of fate
was the reason we weren’t together,
that it wasn’t because of me.
that i wasn’t scared to love you.
but now your coming home
and that’s all i wanted,
for so long,
for you to be here with me.
but i know it was a hopeless dream,
another life,
but it wasn’t made for us
but i can’t let go of that dream
because it’s the only thing I’ve been able to
hold onto…
and i know
this would never last,
but it was easier when it was just a dream
because you’ll come back
and break my heart all over again.
and darling it was just healing.
– i was just starting to be able to live without you. but it doesn’t mean that i don’t love you still…
this is my last goodbye my love,
to something that never was.
this is
my last letter,
a soft epilogue,
an ending to maybe,
finally
close the book.
because
here lies our hopes,
our maybes,
what could have been.
maybe something that never was.
what i thought to have believed.
we were
a story that was tragically unwritten,
because i could never find the
right words,
for us.
for you,
or for me
because maybe we could have been
great, if only i had the courage
to tell you how much i loved you
while you were still here with me.
please
forgive me
for all i never said,
for everything i longed to say.
i love you,
and you knew,
and that’s the tragedy.
because i loved you
with everything i had,
i guess it wasn’t enough
in this universe
but i hope it is in the
next.
– i will always be in love with you, in every lifetime.
If someone had told me five years ago, when this began, that this one girl would have been so important in my story.
I wouldn’t have believed you.
If someone told me that I would eventually fall for you, I would have laughed it off, hell even a year ago it wouldn’t have even passed my mind, the thought of loving you. Yet here we are and I’m sat writing this, rather than telling you how I feel.
So here lies a series of letters for you, for me. To be able to get this off my chest. To maybe, finally start to let you go.
Let’s begin where I realised I saw you as more than a friend. I couldn’t pin point the moment I started to like you, it probably creeped it’s way in over time because honestly it was impossible for someone not to love you. But for me it was probably around Christmas time, on that cold December night. The snow hadn’t started to fall yet but I always hoped it would. We were on a night out, which happened every Christmas and you looked beautiful as always. Up to this moment in time I’d had some pretty fleeting moments with you, which started to lead me to falling down that rabbit hole of endless possibilities of maybes of hopes of some days. Like maybe, just maybe this could mean something, this could be real, you and me. We were always playful, that constant back a forth. I never thought I’d have to question it, that it was our thing we’d always been like that since the day we met, but how wrong was I, you did this with everyone and I wasn’t special. And it hurt because I wanted to mean something to you.
You were the only one holding together my broken heart, because on that night I saw her again. I hadn’t seen her for almost a year since she left, and I know she was your friend but I had loved her for a long time but I could never call her mine, I never had the chance because she had him. And she deserved better, she deserved someone who would love her wholeheartedly. It didn’t help that a few weeks before that night you told me that she ended it, and she deserved so much better than him and a part of me always wished I could have had that chance, if only I had the courage, if only I had found the right words. But if I ever did, my heartbreak, this story wouldn’t have led me to you.
It was under the neon lights where she looked happier, care free, like the girl I had loved all those months ago. She was with some of her friends laughing and dancing to the music, but when our eyes finally met, she smiled and somewhere, somehow we collided in the mists of people like nothing else mattered and honestly I melted into her arms and everything for a second fell back into place, like we hadn’t been apart, like nothing had changed. Like she didn’t leave me with a broken heart all those months ago. We held each other for what felt like an eternity but I knew I needed to let go.
That’s enough about her, this was always going to be about you and me.
After that reunion I needed some air but somehow I always found my way back to you after I finished chatting to some people I knew outside. You were in the middle of the dance floor, you’d had a few drinks but that never stopped you, you always went after what you wanted, what made you happy. You pulled me in for a dance, and I hate dancing but I never minded it when it was with you but we were interrupted by the guy who had a crush on you, and he took you away to ‘talk‘. And you left me watching as you went. As the night flew by, with a few fleeting glances here and there, I called it a night.
I went to say goodbye to her I needed to let her go but foolishly I let myself be pulled back in to our bubble, she made me feel like we were the only two in the room. I knew that I wouldn’t see her again for a long time so I gave in, as she was in my arms I held her tight trying to savor the moment like nothing else mattered as she buried her head into my chest, we stood like that on the dance floor for quite some time, it was now or never and I stupidly let slip that I missed her, she laughed and tighten her grip on me. My heart rapidly beated out my chest waiting for her response. “I miss you too”. You broke my heart for a second time that night and I knew I had to leave and it pained me as tried to remember how safe I felt in your arms. No matter what I felt for her I would always come back to you.
You were at the bar when I found you, and as we said goodnight you pulled me into your arms. You were never a hugger but I like to think that with me that changed. As I pulled to go, you kissed my cheek and I havent forgotten it since.
It was that one that cold December night when you kissed me everything changed, but sometimes I wish it didn’t because out of all these crushes and hopeless fantasies, you’re the one that I don’t think I can get over, the one I can’t forget.
love always.
tash
darling there was so many things
i wanted to say to you,
those things i never said when i had the chance.
all the words left unspoken,
all these confessions of a lost love
never to find peace amongst these pages.
nor to find solace in your arms,
or heaven on your lips.
i know we couldn’t be together in this world,
nor at this time
this place.
fate was never on our side.
you belonged to her,
and i would always belong to you
but
we could never belong to each other,
never at the same time.
so i hope
if other universe exist,
somewhere out there
if the fates allow
we chose each other,
and we end up happy.
– in another place, in another time what could we have been?
I can’t want this anymore,
I can’t want you anymore.
I don’t want to write about the possibility of us when
I know this isn’t a story of you and me.
It never was.
It never will be.
I need to find a new love,
someone I can love,
someone who will love me.
That will be the story,
the one I want to write.
– i want to write a different story, one where the hero ends up happy.
you will always be an almost.
something that never was.
we were just a dream.
a perfect heartbreaking dream.
maybe that dream will become a story,
one day.
maybe in that story we’ll be something
more than an almost.
something that will withstand the test of time.
maybe someday,
maybe we’ll always be a dream
i had.
but i know
we had something,
there was something,
maybe it was love.
maybe it wasn’t.
but in this life,
we’ll always be an almost love.
– this dream was always playing round my head, you were always in my heart.
You know you can’t have her. She’s not yours to have. But she fascinates you. I think it’s because she knows her worth. She knows she is beautiful, she knows her smile lights up rooms. She knows she can make you fall in love. You want a girl you can’t have, and that will kill you. She’s the girl you read poems about, the girl who will set you on fire to keep herself warm, yet you won’t mind. She is the poison in your blood; she will stop your heart. This girl seems to have everything, yet she hasn’t got something that you have, she doesn’t love herself. She has no hope. But you will love her anyway in spite of everything she will put you through. She is your downfall, your greatest destruction. Her hearts vacant and your ‘I love yous’ don’t work because sometimes loves not enough and words don’t work. And there’s no way you can turn a tragedy like her into poetry.
– perhaps the most tragic fate of all is to fall in love and to be punished for it.
It was the fatal flaw
all of
humanity possessed,
to love
and be loved.
My fatal flaw was you,
my love.
all i wanted was you.
I would’ve
blindly followed you
to the ends of the earth,
come heaven and hell
because i loved you.
But like gods do,
you could never loved a
mere mortal
like me
without fear of a tragedy.
you were golden like the sun,
and i the moon,
dark and unforgiving.
with a heart that was breaking,
just to feel the warmth of your love.
– you could not have loved a god and expected anything less than a tragedy.
tash writes 