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eternally yours, in the understanding that you will never be mine.

i would call but times made a fool out of me. months have passed since we last spoke. darling and this is what’s become of us. you’re a stranger. someone i no longer know. the sad thing is that i don’t think i ever truly did. somehow you meant so much to me in so little time but now these months have passed and you’re gone, like you were never really here. but if i’m being completely honest i miss you. and i know what your going to say, i know it sounds stupid, trust me i know. i know i’m a hopeless romantic, i feel things too deeply, and i love too much and have a breakable heart. there have been so many times i’ve wanted to reach out, my fingers have hovered over your name too many times. i don’t think i should, i think this time i’ll keep it to myself. and darling there are somethings i don’t want to know, for the sake of my own heart. i think i need to let it be. but why couldn’t it be simple. can’t i just miss you, does it have to be in a certain way. i just miss you being in my life, i wanted you to stay. i didn’t want it to end this way. there’s this grief, this heartbreak that comes with the passage of time, when these unsaid feelings are left never to reach you. darling i was careless with our time, my words and my heart. there’s been this ache in my chest ever since you left and i can’t quite explain why i so greatly feel the loss of you when you never really mine to lose. i feel like i’m being haunted by the what ifs, the what could have beens, a foolish dream. what am i meant to do with these memories, they still haunt my heart. i remember that night, the one we sat for hours talking. i smiled like an idiot all the way home. midnight was fast approaching but sleep wouldn’t come. you left me with my heart racing. it was that night that made me realise my feelings for you. i would have waited hours just to see you smile at me the way you did that night. i think we both know that these were never just words, never just feelings. it couldn’t be simple. it would always mean something. these words will always mean something. you’ll always mean something to me.

-eternally yours, in the understanding that you will never be mine.//t.c

Posted on by tashjcurry

sorry darling if this is getting to you a little late, i was never good with timing.

i wanted it to be you. i’d hoped it be you. darling, how could i not love you. you came into my life when i needed someone, i didn’t realise how lonely i was. these past years made me cold. i forgot what it was like to feel like this. the butterflies, my heart beating out my chest. you made me feel less blue. i know nothing will come of this. and i know it ended as soon as it started. i know you don’t feel the same way. it’s a fleeting feeling, the fine line between love and heartbreak. i don’t know if i’ll ever see you again, if we’ll ever speak again and there’s this sadness that comes with that. that it’ll never been the same again. we’ll never be the same again. darling there’s so much i want to say but i don’t know how, and i don’t want these words to hurt you. there were so many times i wanted to text you, to call you and hear your voice but i’m scared of the silence that comes after. i don’t know what to do with these feelings, truth be told i miss you, i didn’t know heartache could feel like this. but i guess that’s the risk we take. to have the courage to give someone your heart and say ‘there’s a part of me that’s yours’. i guess you never know how someones going to affect your life, how they can take home in your heart. and sometimes all you want to do is hold onto them, and the heartbreaking thing is sometimes you can’t. i guess it’s not up to you, and the sad thing is you think you’ve got all the time in the world. so my advice tell people how you feel before it’s too late. tell them that they light up rooms, that they make you happy, that they’re are a shot of expresso on a sunday morning, that they are sunshine on a rainy day. that they brightened your heart. it doesn’t matter in what way just tell them you love them. because if you don’t how will they ever know.

– sorry darling if this is getting to you a little late, i was never good with timing.

Posted on by tashjcurry

this all consuming crush, will my heart take it.

i know 

            you will be all consuming, 

there’s butterflies

and my hearts racing. 

i forgot what it felt like, 

having a crush. 

there’s that fine line 

not knowing what will become of us,

                                                  it could be nothing 

or it could be everything. 

you could become everything. 

everything to me. 

–this all consuming crush, will my heart take it.

Posted on by tashjcurry

heartbreak season

times moved on, and i’m here forgetting. memories blur, i can’t remember the sound of your laugh, the way you said my name, and the way my heart felt when i was with you. darling i’ve been left with only sadness for a long time, longer than i’d care to admit. i never knew how overwhelming it could be, how it comes in waves. how heartbreaking it is to live with it. i will have loved you for ten years. nearly a third of my life. and in that time i’ve been half in love, half heartbreak. i never knew how much joy you’d bring, you would always light up the room, everyone loved you and i would always want to be the one to make you laugh. and i never realised when you’d leave how much sadness it would bring. i never knew it would linger, that it would become a part of me. i know i never told you a lot of things, all the things i should have told you. i should have told you – you were my first love, the one that felt real. i never imagined that you’d become a stranger, someone i’d no longer know. i miss you, yet now i don’t know now if i could ever just be your friend. maybe this distance between us was a blessing, but darling it feels like a curse. maybe we weren’t meant to withstand the test of time. maybe we weren’t meant to be together, but god i regret a lot of things when it comes to you and i’d go back in a heartbeat, for just more time with you. 

–heartbreak season

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i dreamed that i’d be waiting for you, watching you walk down the aisle. but that’s just a dream. one now i know will never come true. 

you looked beautiful, all in white. i’ve been seeing pockets of your life for years now. darling time has caught up to me, and i didn’t realise how much we faded from each others memory. i never wanted to become a stranger to you, with messages left on read, no reply. i wish i could say time has healed but it hasn’t especially the place in my heart left by you. i’m haunted by dreams of what could have been, if only i made a different choice that night. maybe i’d be with you. i was so scared of admitting my feelings and losing you but now i’m left with only your ghost haunting these memories. darling there was a time in my life where everything revolved around you, nothing else mattered. i will never know if my love was requited. sleep never comes easy, often i dream of you, sometimes it’s in the form of old memories, happy ones. time and time again some dreams give me second chance to make a different choice. and with that choice i always choose you. i was foolish years ago not kissing you that night because that’s all i wanted to do. i lost you when the years came and went with no reply, i never not thought we’d be in each others lives. i thought we’d always be ‘us’. time changed and we grew apart. and i should have taken those chances because at least then i would have known what it was like to kiss you, to have risked having my heart broken because the latter of not taking those chances has left regret. darling i must confess i’ve loved you for nearly ten years and i never told you how i felt. it was always here in my words yet they could never leave my lips. loving you were some of the best years of my life. i didn’t see you walking down the aisle, i wasn’t there waiting for you like my dream. i’m sorry i never told you how i felt. and now i never will because your happy and that’s all i ever wanted. so i’ll settle for the photographs laying here with all the letters never to be sent. 

–i dreamed that i’d be waiting for you, watching you walk down the aisle. but that’s just a dream. one now i know will never come true. 

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i’ll never know what we could have been.

my heart hasn’t changed. that’s terrifying after all this time. and it would be okay if you weren’t in love with someone else. i’ve held onto us for far too long darling. i can’t do this, my heart can’t take it. i want to let go. it’s nearly been ten years since you walked into my life, i wish i knew at eighteen what i know now. i would have done so many things differently. i would have asked you out, hell i would have told you i loved you for a very long time, longer than i realised. there were so many things i should have told you. i’d do it all again, just for a second. i’ve been missing you ever since you left and walked right out of my life. i guess i’m homesick for something that never was. i wish i wasn’t scared to ruin our friendship but you meant everything to me then, you were the constant in my life and i didn’t want to loose that. i never knew how you felt and god sometimes i wish i did. but i don’t know if that would bring me peace after all this time or just break my heart. i just want you to believe me, there were so many times i wanted to tell you. i was in a constant sate of distress between my head and my heart. but i never realised in not telling you, i was breaking my own heart and those three words could have saved me.

– i’ll never know what we could have been.

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maybe this was all i was going to get from loving you, the inevitable heartbreak.

i became so lonely living with heartbreak. i don’t know when we became strangers, it’s been a year since i last heard from you. there was no reply, you left me on read. darling you keep breaking my heart. what happened to us, we used to be inseparable. i remember the last time i saw you, we were at our coffee spot. i fear that maybe have been the last time. there has been so many times i wanted to pick up the phone and call you just to hear your voice, when did we fade from each others lives. there’s this dream i keep having, it always comes back to you. in the dream we’re happy, it’s a life we could’ve had, if only i could’ve told you how i felt. we’re there at the beginning, eighteen and doe-eyed, believing we had all the time in the world. but somehow time caught up to us, and i don’t know where it went. we were so young and there was so much more i wanted. i would never not want you. in the dream you smiled at me like i’m everything you ever wanted and i can almost believe it’s real and not a dream blended within memories. how cruel to forget what was once true and the illusion of a broken heart. i wish i could have made you happy. i wish i could have looked you in the eye and told you i loved you, that those years together were some of the best of me. without you darling life is not the same, colours became faded, there’s this sadness i can’t shake. maybe that’s the regret in the pit of my stomach. i can’t blame you for falling in love with another, what could i have given you, she was able to love you when i couldn’t but believe me when i say not telling you how i felt was the biggest heartbreak of my life. 

–maybe this was all i was going to get from loving you, the inevitable heartbreak.

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things i should have told you, but didn’t.

you should have told her,

that she gave you butterflies

and made your palms sweaty

but you didn’t. 

you should have told her,

that her voice was the one

you’d hear in a crowded room.

that you wanted to listen to that laugh 

for the rest of your life.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that when she kissed your cheek 

for the first time, it fixed your 

broken heart and re-

awakened your soul.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that night you were scared.

that to love her,

would mean you’d be in ruin.

you couldn’t face what it would mean

if she didn’t love you.

you were scared that eventually after 

all this time to listen to your heart

you’d loose her and her love.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

outside on that cold january night

that she was worth the risk of heartbreak.

that looking into her eyes hoping 

she wouldn’t see past your facade,

that the truth was beating out of your chest.

you should have told her the truth

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that if you kissed her it wouldn’t

be a meaningless kiss.

it would always be more than that.

she’d always mean more than that.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

you were falling in love

before she fell for 

someone else.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that seeing her with someone

else was slowly breaking your heart.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

that you could be that

person she wanted.

that you’d love her forever.

but you didn’t.

you should have told her,

to stay.

that when she left you’d be 

missing half of yourself,

you’d only be half whole.

but you didn’t.

i should have told you,

i loved you

but i didn’t.

– things i should have told you, but didn’t.

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eight years later and all i want is to go home.

i never knew falling in love with you would be like slipping on my favourite sweater in autumn, cozying up near the fire in winter, darling you were a sunrise. there was never that moment of realisation, i just knew in my bones that i’ll love you for a lifetime. i was eighteen when we met, heartbroken and scared to love again but you came into my life and loving you became effortless, almost like breathing and i didn’t realise i was in love until it was too late. sometimes i wish i could go back to the beginning and savour those moments, for me five years, 1826 days were simply not enough, i could never have enough time with you darling, i would always wanted more. but times a funny thing and years later you still have a piece of my heart and i so desperately want to call you and hear your voice, just to hold you in my arms, tell you that i miss you. there were so many drunken nights, too many ‘almost’ that still plague my heart. three years later i’m still here, with a broken heart still wanting you. i should have told you i was in love with you. fuck i should have kissed you that night outside the bar. i should have done a lot of things differently when it came to you. i was scared you wouldn’t feel the same, that i made it all up in my head because how could someone love me. our story changed that night, maybe you thought i didn’t love you and god how wrong you were. maybe it’s too early, maybe i’m too young and i shouldn’t say this but darling you were the love of my life and the grief that came when watching you love someone who wasn’t me was haunting. like falling in love with you, losing you didn’t happen all at once, it was painfully slow watching fall in love with another knowing i missed my chance. i remember the times where i would have you in my arms, it felt like home, and in my heart i know i will never walk through that door again. i can never go home to you. 

– eight years later and all i want is to go home.

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the years hadn’t changed my feelings, but loving you hurt.

we sat in a quiet coffee shop, with so much history between us. the years had not been kind on my heart darling, it was too late to tell you how much i cared, how much i loved you, that i’d loved you for years. so i did the only thing i could do, i sat and listened to your life, the one i wasn’t apart of anymore and all i wanted to do was tell you how much i missed you. that the years hadn’t changed my feelings, and god i wish they did. i wanted to tell you, you were the love of my life but you’d had found the love of yours and you were finally happy, you talked about her, your home and wanting to start a family. my broken heart was screaming just tell her because maybe she loved you too and i don’t doubt she did, but it was a familiar type of love, it was not the same. so i just listened to your stories, hoping it would never end because i hated watching you leave over and over again, never knowing if you’d come back. as we left the empty coffee shops, mugs on the table, all i could hear in the silence was the sound of my heart. i hugged you hoping i could pour everything into this one moment. so i could let it be because i didn’t know if those moments would be all we had. i never knew if it would be the last time i saw you. maybe this was all i was going to get from loving you, being left heartbroken. 

–the years hadn’t changed my feelings, but loving you hurt.