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it was one of the many versions of us.

there would be no happy endings.

for history would no allow 

two lovers to end up happy

not here, not now

nor this place.

it was not their fate.

but by the laws of the universe,

the morals of stories,

maybe if we could rewrite history,

there would have to be…

there’s got to be somewhere…

there has to be a place 

where we’re happy,

where we’re not some forgotten tragedy.

and that’s enough for me 

knowing we exist somewhere,

a better place than here,

the life we live now.

that there’s different incarnations of us,

parallel stories, second chances

because i can’t believe, 

i wont accept 

we only get the one story, 

the one lifetime. 

because for me i’d always want more. 

and if i could, i’d love you in every life.

i hope you know i would. 

and sometimes it breaks my heart 

knowing it wasn’t here and now.

–it was one of the many versions of us. 

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time heals everything but you

i hate the how they say time heals all wounds, truth be told it doesn’t. because it still hurts the sound of your name, a fading memory, the old pictures. my heart breaks still when i see you, it’s less frequent now and i don’t know if i should be relived or just sad because we’re not the same, you not the person i fell in love with. our conversations become shorter, the texts i send never get a reply. i hate how time has done this to us. 

i love you and time has made a mockery of my words because darling there’s still so much i have to say but i just don’t know how. it’s not like before. we’re not as close as we once were, but i still miss you like it was yesterday. darling i have these words, i just wouldn’t know where to start. maybe i’m holding onto something that ended long ago and time still hasn’t caught up with my heart telling me it’s time to move on, to let you go. 

i wish i could heal and move on, find someone new. instead of trying to write chapters of a book that finished years ago. i’ve been in love with you for seven years and there are too many unsaid ‘i love you’s’, scattered in these letters. so many words unsaid left in this broken heart of mine, these letters of a lost love just fading, left to dust after all these years. 

darling, these words never sounded the same after you.

–time heals everything but you. 

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i fear that time can’t heal the heartbreak of you.

my heart became a graveyard,

i don’t ever think time could heal 

it belonged to the 

echos of lost loves,

the forgotten memories.

darling it’s been years 

and i’m still being 

haunted by you,

i’m here among the living 

loving a forgotten feeling 

trying to find you still

in the eyes of other people.

i fear i always will.

i’m still loving 

an echo of a memory

that time can’t touch. 

–i fear that time can’t heal the heartbreak of you. 

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the regret of you still breaks my heart.

i’ll always have regrets 

when it comes to you. 

i was foolish letting time 

just pass me by, 

thinking you’d wait for 

when i was ready. 

i regret not having the 

courage to tell you how i felt,

when it was fucking obvious 

that i loved you.

i wish it was easier for me,

to just admit how i’m feeling 

because there was so many 

times i should have said 

‘i love you’,

but i chose that i 

wasn’t going to be 

that person for you, 

i couldn’t,

i wouldn’t

be the one to ruin us.

and that fear,

that fucking fear

broke my heart

because i lost out on you.

i regret not realising sooner

my feelings all those years ago.

it made sense, i hated when 

you left. 

each time my heart broke. 

it never got easier watching 

you leave. 

it never got easier loving you 

when you loved another. 

my love, it never got easier

living with the regret of you. 

– the regret of you still breaks my heart. 

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time changes us, i guess my love changed too.

you were sat opposite me, 

darling it had been so long. 

i’d longed for this moment, 

just to see you.

i wanted to tell you 

that i missed you.

that a year without you 

killed me 

in many ways,

it brought an uncontrollable sadness.

yet i couldn’t tell you the truth,

because a year apart had changed us.

but still i felt the same,

i still loved you.

i’ve loved you for a lifetime.

it feels like. 

so we sat and talked,

we fell back into each other,

and oh how it hurt my broken heart. 

because you loved another.

you were here 

and still somehow 

i was still missing you.

-time chages us, i guess my love changed too.

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first love, lessons learned.

your first love was a boy, who was handsome, hot headed, heartless is what he became. i’m sorry he never cared for you or anybody else, for i think he just craved love and was never satisfied with the feeling. and i know you loved him longer than you should. but as the years passed you loved others but i don’t think you liked the whole idea of the lessons learned by loosing, by your heartbreaking, by leaving. 

you hated him, the way he used you but you hated him more because you still loved him even when he left, it took years to shake that feeling. that young love tainted with remorse. i hated the way i’d always ask myself:

‘why was i never enough for you’.

‘why did you fucking leave me…. over and over again’.

‘why did i let you take my love because you never deserved it’.

i hate that in the years we spent together, your anger became mine, you never gave me love just hatred. 

you were a broken boy and foolishly i loved you with everything i had, but with all that anger and all that hatred i never feared falling because you never made me whole darling, so tell me how could i break?

-first love, lessons learned.

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the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.

the city felt lonely. there was this sadness, an emptiness. my heart could feel the cold seeping in. as i walked the crowed street i went to reach for your hand, you weren’t there. i stopped dead in my tracks. you were a memory. 

that’s all i had let of you, memories. there was nothing else, you took everything when you left. my heart was empty, and the city was home to all this heartbreak. as i walked the streets i was reminded of you. nothing else. 

how could this city haunt me, how could it break my heart. how could i keep walking these streets, knowing they were leading me back to you. 

–the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.

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we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.

some people never get closure, i never thought we would. but it came two years too late for us. i remember receiving your text, hands shaking, hovering over the message. it felt like i’d waited a lifetime just to hear from you again. it was polite the exchange of words, neither of us saying what we really wanted, how much we were still hurting. i wish then i could have said that i missed you, that i’d been missing you everyday since i broke your heart. i wish i could have said i was sorry, sorry that it took me so long to realise i wasn’t the only one hurting. 

our words, the conversation was too kind for what we were. it was too kind on a bitter heart of mine. i knew we didn’t have long, i don’t know why you reached out but i’m thankful you did. as the year faded it left us at a crossroads, this heart of mine knew it was time to close the book, we experienced the end. as we said goodbye, i knew we’d have to leave ourselves there for sometime, to never return, for i could not go back. 

–we didn’t deserve that closure but i’m glad we did.

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new york. new york.

i remember that trip, i should have been happy. i was where i was meant to be. it was the place i’d hope to call home one day. but when i was there all i could think about was you, and how stupid i was for letting you go. i was heartbroken that summer. and i wonder if you were. i never knew who i was, sometimes i wonder if i’ll never know but back then the one thing i knew for sure was that i was falling in love with you. and i think a part of me will carry that with me, always. that city will always be home to my heartbreak, it will always hold my memories of you. for i hope one day i will be able to go back and remember the memory of you and know that feeling finally faded.

–new york. new york.

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my last christmas wish

this was the first christmas where i wasn’t missing you, i wasn’t sad that you weren’t with me. it didn’t snow this year but sometimes we don’t get everything we wished for. it was the year where i could finally sit and watch ‘la la land’ without crying in the final fifteen minutes. i was happy, content with the fact that this year my heart didn’t ache like it used too when the cold came and the nights became darker. i think i was finally healing after so long of breaking. i didn’t miss you, but in the last few minutes as the clock was going to strike dawn i did think of you and hoped you were happy. that i wish you nothing but the best for you my love. but the final wish was for me not you, too many of them had been for you. next year i would ask for love, and as the last days of december approached i hoped that for the new year would bring me some joy. but then in the last few minutes under the christmas lights, the movie playing in the background i allowed myself to think of you, one last time. 

–my last christmas wish.