I hope you know all these poems are for you, my love. I miss you but mostly in December, on a cold winters night. My one wish, most years is that you were here with me, in my arms listing to the crackle of the fire, trying to keep the chill from our bones, looking out to the stars wishing for the snow.
– i miss you in december, sometimes i wish i didn’t.
I remember our first kiss; we were walking down the street in the cool September air, I never told you that your touch warmed those seventeen winters in my bones with those sixteen summers in yours. You warmed my broken soul. As the winters went on, as the years we were apart, I tried to hold on to the memories we had but the cold came and my hands went numb, I felt the cold come through the cracks in my soul, the parts that had slowly started to mend, fell apart.
The cold tormented me for a very long time, until everything I was became cold and numb. I was hollow, nothing but a shell of the person who loved you then. Nothing could warm me, not even our memories. And even now sometimes winter reminds me of how cold I became, how broken I was…and sometimes I still wish for your warmth.
I was consumed, that winter broke me apart. It felt like when I lost you a light went out and the darkness came, but it didn’t happen straight way. It was always there just out of reach waiting for me to break. The darkness never bothered me, not until you, I guess it wouldn’t until I had my first heartbreak. Not till you broke my heart.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t been hurt before, it wasn’t because I’d lost people that I loved, because I had. But this was the one that I struggled to let go of. Everything that came before seemed so much simpler, easier to forget… I don’t know if it was because I was getting older, maybe more mature, maybe I was letting you affect me more than anymore else ever did. Maybe after everything I did I wanted to feel something other than numbness.
I never let you in, not really. And that was a tragedy in it’s self because I could have loved you more than these words that tried to hold me together, the ones I write when I try to remember us and all we could have been. There was a time where I wished we could have been more than this, there was a time where I wished I could have been more for you. If I knew then what choice I was going to make, I would have held onto your warmth until it burned.
– every winter i long for that warmth.
when i got to the end,
with the last words
you ever said to me
echoed through the pages.
i realised here were all
the things i left unsaid.
the things i should have said,
the things i regret,
the things i needed you to hear.
so i will wait
for the day
for you
to read these words
and realise for me
the story never ended
not really.
– i just needed you to know.
maybe i still hold onto us too tightly, even after all these years because i need to remember how it felt to fall in love. i need to remember how it felt to be loved, to have my heart broken because now it’s all fading and it’s been too long to grasp at those memories of you.
i can’t keep feeling like this, i’m scared that one day i’ll feel nothing, that without love what am i? without love who will i become? who have i become without your love?
i don’t want to be without love because what a waste it would be. i know i’m not the same, that the person you loved is gone. i just want to fall in love with someone who isn’t you.
i want to feel something.
just to feel again.
– i can’t remember that feeling, but i still remember loving you.
tash writes 