Posted on by tashjcurry

you became a chapter in my life, one I’d always go back to when i got the chance.

stories end, 

the lovers lose each other. 

battles are lost, 

the hero dies. 

the tragedy always lingers,

never fading.

all these stories,

all this sorrow

i never wanted this ending.

i never wanted you to stop loving me,

like you did.

but sometimes stories are just stories,

they don’t have to have meaning.

you can choose your own path,

write your own story,

because darling i would never have written our story this way,

with the ending it did. 

– you became a chapter in my life, one I’d always go back to when i got the chance.

Posted on by tashjcurry

an unrequited love. a series by me, part one

If someone had told me five years ago, when this began, that this one girl would have been so important in my story.

I wouldn’t have believed you.

If someone told me that I would eventually fall for you, I would have laughed it off, hell even a year ago it wouldn’t have even passed my mind, the thought of loving you. Yet here we are and I’m sat writing this, rather than telling you how I feel.

So here lies a series of letters for you, for me. To be able to get this off my chest. To maybe, finally start to let you go.

Let’s begin where I realised I saw you as more than a friend. I couldn’t pin point the moment I started to like you, it probably creeped it’s way in over time because honestly it was impossible for someone not to love you. But for me it was probably around Christmas time, on that cold December night. The snow hadn’t started to fall yet but I always hoped it would. We were on a night out, which happened every Christmas and you looked beautiful as always. Up to this moment in time I’d had some pretty fleeting moments with you, which started to lead me to falling down that rabbit hole of endless possibilities of maybes of hopes of some days. Like maybe, just maybe this could mean something, this could be real, you and me. We were always playful, that constant back a forth. I never thought I’d have to question it, that it was our thing we’d always been like that since the day we met, but how wrong was I, you did this with everyone and I wasn’t special. And it hurt because I wanted to mean something to you.

You were the only one holding together my broken heart, because on that night I saw her again. I hadn’t seen her for almost a year since she left, and I know she was your friend but I had loved her for a long time but I could never call her mine, I never had the chance because she had him. And she deserved better, she deserved someone who would love her wholeheartedly. It didn’t help that a few weeks before that night you told me that she ended it, and she deserved so much better than him and a part of me always wished I could have had that chance, if only I had the courage, if only I had found the right words. But if I ever did, my heartbreak, this story wouldn’t have led me to you.

It was under the neon lights where she looked happier, care free, like the girl I had loved all those months ago. She was with some of her friends laughing and dancing to the music, but when our eyes finally met, she smiled and somewhere, somehow we collided in the mists of people like nothing else mattered and honestly I melted into her arms and everything for a second fell back into place, like we hadn’t been apart, like nothing had changed. Like she didn’t leave me with a broken heart all those months ago. We held each other for what felt like an eternity but I knew I needed to let go.

That’s enough about her, this was always going to be about you and me.

After that reunion I needed some air but somehow I always found my way back to you after I finished chatting to some people I knew outside. You were in the middle of the dance floor, you’d had a few drinks but that never stopped you, you always went after what you wanted, what made you happy. You pulled me in for a dance, and I hate dancing but I never minded it when it was with you but we were interrupted by the guy who had a crush on you, and he took you away to ‘talk‘. And you left me watching as you went. As the night flew by, with a few fleeting glances here and there, I called it a night.

I went to say goodbye to her I needed to let her go but foolishly I let myself be pulled back in to our bubble, she made me feel like we were the only two in the room. I knew that I wouldn’t see her again for a long time so I gave in, as she was in my arms I held her tight trying to savor the moment like nothing else mattered as she buried her head into my chest, we stood like that on the dance floor for quite some time, it was now or never and I stupidly let slip that I missed her, she laughed and tighten her grip on me. My heart rapidly beated out my chest waiting for her response. “I miss you too”. You broke my heart for a second time that night and I knew I had to leave and it pained me as tried to remember how safe I felt in your arms. No matter what I felt for her I would always come back to you.

You were at the bar when I found you, and as we said goodnight you pulled me into your arms. You were never a hugger but I like to think that with me that changed. As I pulled to go, you kissed my cheek and I havent forgotten it since.

It was that one that cold December night when you kissed me everything changed, but sometimes I wish it didn’t because out of all these crushes and hopeless fantasies, you’re the one that I don’t think I can get over, the one I can’t forget.

love always.

tash

Posted on by tashjcurry

I found you in the wrong universe my love.

By the law of the multiverse there must be a universe out there where I made the right choices and they led me to loving you. But on the other hand my dear, there’s so many different stories, endless possibilities, questionable choices I must have made. And the heartbreaking realisation…that fatal conclusion that out there somewhere there’s a universe in which where we don’t end up together.

So there must be a universe where we’re together. I hope in that universe I didn’t wait until the end of the story to tell you that I loved you, that it was always you. That it should have been you from the very beginning, I’m sorry my love I got lost in someone else eyes, when it should have been you I was falling for. In this universe, the one in which I’m writing this I never told you how much you meant to me. I waited too long, I never found the right words. There was never the right time and you my love found somebody else. But somewhere, in another time, another world I hope I found the right words, I hope you found me amongst these pages. I hope I found you. 

There’s a universe one in which when we met all those years ago when we were young and in love, we never had to go down separate paths forced by fate. We were never given a choice to choose each other in that story. And at the end, after everything, after all of those labours we faced we were told we couldn’t find our way back to each other, that it was the will of the gods. How cruel that the universes got to decide if we could ever be together, after everything, all those sacrifices. After being separated for centuries at the hands of the gods our love became forgotten by history, and I guess we slowly forgot too. But this time, in this story the laws of the universe, fate, the gods could never separate us again because falling in love with one another was our fate all along, and that should have been our story.

But those are just other dreams, memories, distant stories of hopes of maybe and might have beens.

There’s a universe where we never met, and we go our whole lives missing something that we can never find. And the sad thing is that we would never know what we’re missing. There are ones where we are strangers who never connected, passing one another on the street pained with a heavy feeling in their chests.

There had to be one story, the one wrong universe where we couldn’t have had a happy ending. There had to be one universe my love, and it was a tragedy that it had to be this one. I hope you find these words in whatever time my love, the ones I longed to stay but never did.

I’m sorry for all I never said, all of the things you never heard in this universe. Maybe we’ll be happy in the next, maybe in another life. Maybe, just maybe.

 

Posted on by tashjcurry

without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love.

There’s a universe out there, one in which we will never meet. One where we never fall in love and break each others hearts. Maybe that’s the universe I want because I wouldn’t be hurting right now. We would never have ended up like this. But that’s another story, an easier one. But it would have been a very different tale, and it wouldn’t have made me into the person I am today. You changed me and maybe I’ll never truly understand why we ended the way we did but because of you I found peace in these words.

– without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love. 

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The war took everything, even our love.

They say all’s fair in love and war but my darling we were never in love, we were always at war.

We could never have loved each other in the way we should. The war was not beautiful, and I couldn’t have romanticized it for what it was. It broke me in the hope of building me into something better. When actually it made me into a weapon, after that I knew I could never find peace, I would always be a product of war.

You could not love me, I was broken. All that death and bloodshed would haunt me until my dying day. You could never look at me in the eye and forgive me after everything I did.

We would always be on the battlefield, when we should have been in each others arms.

– the war took everything, even our love.

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i wish i could be who you wanted.

I wanted to kiss you, tell you everything was going to be okay. That someone would be worthy of your love, that someone would love you wholeheartedly. That night I couldn’t be that person, all I could do was hold you in my arms and pray that you understood, that one day, maybe I could love you like wanted.

But that’s not today, and I’m not that person

Posted on by tashjcurry

all the things i never said.

My love,

I was never meant to fall in love with you. It was something I always told myself I could not do, because it would ruin everything. And I don’t want to ruin you. But somewhere over the last few months, I couldn’t help it. I tried to fight those feelings these past few years, and I think I made myself believe that it worked. But it hadn’t not really. Those feeling I kept hidden were in my blood, they were scattered in my words, you were suddenly everywhere.

I’m not asking for you to feel the same way because I don’t think you know what you want yet, and that’s okay, and maybe you wont ever feel the same way about me. But I need to tell you how I feel because if I don’t it might kill me. When we met, we were so young I was still figuring myself out but you always seemed so head strong, you seemed to know what you wanted and you went after that and to be honest I was envious that you could just do that, somethings haven’t change you always make me smile. When the summer came you left me for the first time, and all I remember was I didn’t like that absence, I missed you. As we grew over the summer we both made choices I choice to say where you always seemed to choice to leave, which it hurt but it was your choice. You were always good at leaving me, and with the final one, with our last chapter coming to a close I don’t think I can forgive you, I just want more time, that this can’t be the end, not without you hearing these words. Every so often you left me, but you always came back I never did like saying goodbye to you even if it wasn’t really a goodbye just a see you soon. We did this for a couple of years and those feelings that I felt  for you became dormant I was able to get on with my life without the thought of missing you, I moved on, kissed over people, fell in love with people I knew I shouldn’t. But I guess in the end they wouldn’t hurt as much as you.

As we came back together, we always clashed. We fought but it was never out of hate, I think it was because we loved one another in someway. I couldn’t tell you when I fell in love with you but I did. I never told you but you were always the one I wanted to tell everything too. I wish I had the courage to send you this letter, to just tell you how I feel, that maybe this could be more than one-sided, an unrequited love.

You told me things I wish I never heard, for me to picture you with someone else was heart-wrenching because sometimes I wished I could be that person for you, the one you wanted. And what was worse that some nights the ones you can’t remember you tried to kiss me, and I just couldn’t let you because it wouldn’t be a meaningless kiss for me, sometimes I wish it could be. But you don’t know who you’re looking for, and I don’t know if I’d fit into your life into your heart. In the moments we’re alone we’re always touching and sometimes darling it gives me hope that you could like me, but every time it happens I push these feelings down because if I don’t I’m scared that I’ll do something and it will ruin us, who’d have thought a kiss from your lips would be that dangerous? That my love for you could be our downfall.

I’m jealous, and it pains me to say it, he’s kissed you and you’ve slept with her, and I’m here writing you this letter hoping one day you’ll feel the same. You’re a pipe dream and I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish just for once the girl I love feels the same way. Maybe one day. In another life, I wouldn’t feel like this. Theres a universe somewhere… I can’t keep hoping like this that maybe you could be as madly in love with me as I am with you.

You will leave, and it wont be like the first time because I know in my heart you wont be coming back. After everything I don’t want to lose this, lose you. I never thought I’d have to write an ending for you, because somewhere I always believed you’d stay. That you could have been the one to stay.

Our story would read, for one fell in love and the other would leave never knowing you broke their heart. When you leave you will break this heart, and somewhere I’ll still be here hoping you’ll come back. I love you, more than I ever knew, maybe one day you’ll know or maybe one day you’ll finally read these words and realise they are meant for you.

Posted on by tashjcurry

My love for you burned for so long those embers set fire to my heart.

We never followed our hearts, maybe they could have brought us together. But as the years passed we were always close but never together, not really. You went off to follow your dreams, I never followed I always stayed. You always came back, but as our time is fading, this feels final, like this is the end. That we wont get this chance ever again. I never took that chance with you, but heres the thing I’ve still got time before you walk out that door and leave me. So if this is my last chance to love you, give me a sign, let me know that you feel something too because I don’t know if I can’t live with us being unfinished or a possibility that we could have always been more if only we had listened to our hearts. 

-my love for you burned for so long those embers set fire to my heart.//t.c

 

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Maybe I was never meant to fall in love

if it was a dream,

let me remember her

and the way we were

before i wake,

before reality sets in.

I can feel the ache in my chest,

my heart feels heavy.

it all felt so real.

to have a fate so cruel,

to never have known love,

always guarding your heart

to never let anyone in.

For a life without love

my heart feels empty.

so i beg

let me keep that safe,

that feeling.

just let me keep that memory of her,

just that one,

before i wake from this hopeless dream

before this fades,

before i forget

her love.

– maybe i was never meant to fall in love.//t.c