I can’t want this anymore,
I can’t want you anymore.
I don’t want to write about the possibility of us when
I know this isn’t a story of you and me.
It never was.
It never will be.
I need to find a new love,
someone I can love,
someone who will love me.
That will be the story,
the one I want to write.
– i want to write a different story, one where the hero ends up happy.
You know you can’t have her. She’s not yours to have. But she fascinates you. I think it’s because she knows her worth. She knows she is beautiful, she knows her smile lights up rooms. She knows she can make you fall in love. You want a girl you can’t have, and that will kill you. She’s the girl you read poems about, the girl who will set you on fire to keep herself warm, yet you won’t mind. She is the poison in your blood; she will stop your heart. This girl seems to have everything, yet she hasn’t got something that you have, she doesn’t love herself. She has no hope. But you will love her anyway in spite of everything she will put you through. She is your downfall, your greatest destruction. Her hearts vacant and your ‘I love yous’ don’t work because sometimes loves not enough and words don’t work. And there’s no way you can turn a tragedy like her into poetry.
– perhaps the most tragic fate of all is to fall in love and to be punished for it.
By the law of the multiverse there must be a universe out there where I made the right choices and they led me to loving you. But on the other hand my dear, there’s so many different stories, endless possibilities, questionable choices I must have made. And the heartbreaking realisation…that fatal conclusion that out there somewhere there’s a universe in which where we don’t end up together.
So there must be a universe where we’re together. I hope in that universe I didn’t wait until the end of the story to tell you that I loved you, that it was always you. That it should have been you from the very beginning, I’m sorry my love I got lost in someone else eyes, when it should have been you I was falling for. In this universe, the one in which I’m writing this I never told you how much you meant to me. I waited too long, I never found the right words. There was never the right time and you my love found somebody else. But somewhere, in another time, another world I hope I found the right words, I hope you found me amongst these pages. I hope I found you.
There’s a universe one in which when we met all those years ago when we were young and in love, we never had to go down separate paths forced by fate. We were never given a choice to choose each other in that story. And at the end, after everything, after all of those labours we faced we were told we couldn’t find our way back to each other, that it was the will of the gods. How cruel that the universes got to decide if we could ever be together, after everything, all those sacrifices. After being separated for centuries at the hands of the gods our love became forgotten by history, and I guess we slowly forgot too. But this time, in this story the laws of the universe, fate, the gods could never separate us again because falling in love with one another was our fate all along, and that should have been our story.
But those are just other dreams, memories, distant stories of hopes of maybe and might have beens.
There’s a universe where we never met, and we go our whole lives missing something that we can never find. And the sad thing is that we would never know what we’re missing. There are ones where we are strangers who never connected, passing one another on the street pained with a heavy feeling in their chests.
There had to be one story, the one wrong universe where we couldn’t have had a happy ending. There had to be one universe my love, and it was a tragedy that it had to be this one. I hope you find these words in whatever time my love, the ones I longed to stay but never did.
I’m sorry for all I never said, all of the things you never heard in this universe. Maybe we’ll be happy in the next, maybe in another life. Maybe, just maybe.
Here lies my love for you, scattered in words unspoken, letters I’ve never sent. It would only be here in my words with the hope that one day you would read them.
If you love someone don’t wait to tell them. I always make excuses that it was never the right time, never the right moment. I had months to tell you that I loved you. But I didn’t because honestly I was scared. Because loving you terrifies me, and I know deep down you’re the only person who can hurt me. I never thought I would have fallen for you, but after all these years how could I not. Love never did come easy to me and I could never hold on, it always slipped through my fingers. I knew you would break my heart, and you did because you found her.
I wanted to tell you everything but I couldn’t ruin what we have. You are one of the only good things in my life. I couldn’t lose you. And to be honest I couldn’t hear those words out your mouth
“I’m sorry. I don’t love you in that way”.
So how do you kill a feeling? Here are all these words left unsaid buried with my love for you. Where the thought of us can be laid to rest with the all the hopes of maybes and might have beens. I want you to be happy and you deserve her, you deserve love. And I know you think you don’t, but my love you deserve it the most. I just hope your happy, I hope she makes you happy.
Maybe one day you’ll realise everything I ever wrote was about you. And I hope you’ll know that whenever your reading this, if you ever find these words in another place, another time.
I loved you, and I’m sorry I never did tell you sooner.
But you’re happy so I guess something after better left unsaid.
There’s a universe out there, one in which we will never meet. One where we never fall in love and break each others hearts. Maybe that’s the universe I want because I wouldn’t be hurting right now. We would never have ended up like this. But that’s another story, an easier one. But it would have been a very different tale, and it wouldn’t have made me into the person I am today. You changed me and maybe I’ll never truly understand why we ended the way we did but because of you I found peace in these words.
– without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love.
I’m scared to tell you how I feel because I don’t want to lose you.
So for now I will write it down in these letters, the ones I never sent. Maybe years later I will come back to our story. Maybe I’ll be content with the way our story never really started and ended in the way I wanted. Maybe I remember you and the way I fell in love with you, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more than for some of your love, even if it was never in the way I expected, you loved me and for that I’m grateful.
Maybe in this life I never got my happy ending with you, maybe after all these years you still don’t know that I loved you and a part of me is okay with you not knowing because darling maybe one day you’ll realise reading these words and I hope one day they will find you.
But this is today and I fear if I tell you that I love you we might never be the same again, so for now my love for you will stay here waiting for you, ready for they day when you need to hear my words.
Hell maybe you’ll never know, maybe you’ll never realise that these words were meant for you but I’ll be damned if your not somewhere within these words.
– i can’t ever imagine the day where i don’t love you.//t.c
I wanted to kiss you, tell you everything was going to be okay. That someone would be worthy of your love, that someone would love you wholeheartedly. That night I couldn’t be that person, all I could do was hold you in my arms and pray that you understood, that one day, maybe I could love you like wanted.
But that’s not today, and I’m not that person
My love,
I was never meant to fall in love with you. It was something I always told myself I could not do, because it would ruin everything. And I don’t want to ruin you. But somewhere over the last few months, I couldn’t help it. I tried to fight those feelings these past few years, and I think I made myself believe that it worked. But it hadn’t not really. Those feeling I kept hidden were in my blood, they were scattered in my words, you were suddenly everywhere.
I’m not asking for you to feel the same way because I don’t think you know what you want yet, and that’s okay, and maybe you wont ever feel the same way about me. But I need to tell you how I feel because if I don’t it might kill me. When we met, we were so young I was still figuring myself out but you always seemed so head strong, you seemed to know what you wanted and you went after that and to be honest I was envious that you could just do that, somethings haven’t change you always make me smile. When the summer came you left me for the first time, and all I remember was I didn’t like that absence, I missed you. As we grew over the summer we both made choices I choice to say where you always seemed to choice to leave, which it hurt but it was your choice. You were always good at leaving me, and with the final one, with our last chapter coming to a close I don’t think I can forgive you, I just want more time, that this can’t be the end, not without you hearing these words. Every so often you left me, but you always came back I never did like saying goodbye to you even if it wasn’t really a goodbye just a see you soon. We did this for a couple of years and those feelings that I felt for you became dormant I was able to get on with my life without the thought of missing you, I moved on, kissed over people, fell in love with people I knew I shouldn’t. But I guess in the end they wouldn’t hurt as much as you.
As we came back together, we always clashed. We fought but it was never out of hate, I think it was because we loved one another in someway. I couldn’t tell you when I fell in love with you but I did. I never told you but you were always the one I wanted to tell everything too. I wish I had the courage to send you this letter, to just tell you how I feel, that maybe this could be more than one-sided, an unrequited love.
You told me things I wish I never heard, for me to picture you with someone else was heart-wrenching because sometimes I wished I could be that person for you, the one you wanted. And what was worse that some nights the ones you can’t remember you tried to kiss me, and I just couldn’t let you because it wouldn’t be a meaningless kiss for me, sometimes I wish it could be. But you don’t know who you’re looking for, and I don’t know if I’d fit into your life into your heart. In the moments we’re alone we’re always touching and sometimes darling it gives me hope that you could like me, but every time it happens I push these feelings down because if I don’t I’m scared that I’ll do something and it will ruin us, who’d have thought a kiss from your lips would be that dangerous? That my love for you could be our downfall.
I’m jealous, and it pains me to say it, he’s kissed you and you’ve slept with her, and I’m here writing you this letter hoping one day you’ll feel the same. You’re a pipe dream and I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish just for once the girl I love feels the same way. Maybe one day. In another life, I wouldn’t feel like this. Theres a universe somewhere… I can’t keep hoping like this that maybe you could be as madly in love with me as I am with you.
You will leave, and it wont be like the first time because I know in my heart you wont be coming back. After everything I don’t want to lose this, lose you. I never thought I’d have to write an ending for you, because somewhere I always believed you’d stay. That you could have been the one to stay.
Our story would read, for one fell in love and the other would leave never knowing you broke their heart. When you leave you will break this heart, and somewhere I’ll still be here hoping you’ll come back. I love you, more than I ever knew, maybe one day you’ll know or maybe one day you’ll finally read these words and realise they are meant for you.
We never followed our hearts, maybe they could have brought us together. But as the years passed we were always close but never together, not really. You went off to follow your dreams, I never followed I always stayed. You always came back, but as our time is fading, this feels final, like this is the end. That we wont get this chance ever again. I never took that chance with you, but heres the thing I’ve still got time before you walk out that door and leave me. So if this is my last chance to love you, give me a sign, let me know that you feel something too because I don’t know if I can’t live with us being unfinished or a possibility that we could have always been more if only we had listened to our hearts.
-my love for you burned for so long those embers set fire to my heart.//t.c
tash writes 