Posted on by tashjcurry

time changes us, i guess my love changed too.

you were sat opposite me, 

darling it had been so long. 

i’d longed for this moment, 

just to see you.

i wanted to tell you 

that i missed you.

that a year without you 

killed me 

in many ways,

it brought an uncontrollable sadness.

yet i couldn’t tell you the truth,

because a year apart had changed us.

but still i felt the same,

i still loved you.

i’ve loved you for a lifetime.

it feels like. 

so we sat and talked,

we fell back into each other,

and oh how it hurt my broken heart. 

because you loved another.

you were here 

and still somehow 

i was still missing you.

-time chages us, i guess my love changed too.

Posted on by tashjcurry

the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.

the city felt lonely. there was this sadness, an emptiness. my heart could feel the cold seeping in. as i walked the crowed street i went to reach for your hand, you weren’t there. i stopped dead in my tracks. you were a memory. 

that’s all i had let of you, memories. there was nothing else, you took everything when you left. my heart was empty, and the city was home to all this heartbreak. as i walked the streets i was reminded of you. nothing else. 

how could this city haunt me, how could it break my heart. how could i keep walking these streets, knowing they were leading me back to you. 

–the city was home to my heartbreak. that’s where it’ll stay.

Posted on by tashjcurry

every winter i long for that warmth.

I remember our first kiss; we were walking down the street in the cool September air, I never told you that your touch warmed those seventeen winters in my bones with those sixteen summers in yours. You warmed my broken soul. As the winters went on, as the years we were apart, I tried to hold on to the memories we had but the cold came and my hands went numb, I felt the cold come through the cracks in my soul, the parts that had slowly started to mend, fell apart.

The cold tormented me for a very long time, until everything I was became cold and numb. I was hollow, nothing but a shell of the person who loved you then. Nothing could warm me, not even our memories. And even now sometimes winter reminds me of how cold I became, how broken I was…and sometimes I still wish for your warmth. 

I was consumed, that winter broke me apart. It felt like when I lost you a light went out and the darkness came, but it didn’t happen straight way. It was always there just out of reach waiting for me to break. The darkness never bothered me, not until you, I guess it wouldn’t until I had my first heartbreak. Not till you broke my heart. 

It wasn’t like I hadn’t been hurt before, it wasn’t because I’d lost people that I loved, because I had. But this was the one that I struggled to let go of. Everything that came before seemed so much simpler, easier to forget… I don’t know if it was because I was getting older, maybe more mature, maybe I was letting you affect me more than anymore else ever did. Maybe after everything I did I wanted to feel something other than numbness. 

I never let you in, not really. And that was a tragedy in it’s self because I could have loved you more than these words that tried to hold me together, the ones I write when I try to remember us and all we could have been. There was a time where I wished we could have been more than this, there was a time where I wished I could have been more for you. If I knew then what choice I was going to make, I would have held onto your warmth until it burned. 

– every winter i long for that warmth.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i just needed you to know.

when i got to the end,

with the last words 

you ever said to me

echoed through the pages.

i realised here were all 

the things i left unsaid.

the things i should have said,

the things i regret,

the things i needed you to hear.

so i will wait

for the day

for you

to read these words 

and realise for me

the story never ended

not really.

– i just needed you to know.

Posted on by tashjcurry

you became a chapter in my life, one I’d always go back to when i got the chance.

stories end, 

the lovers lose each other. 

battles are lost, 

the hero dies. 

the tragedy always lingers,

never fading.

all these stories,

all this sorrow

i never wanted this ending.

i never wanted you to stop loving me,

like you did.

but sometimes stories are just stories,

they don’t have to have meaning.

you can choose your own path,

write your own story,

because darling i would never have written our story this way,

with the ending it did. 

– you became a chapter in my life, one I’d always go back to when i got the chance.

Posted on by tashjcurry

she always said love was a kind of killing.

maybe we were always meant to break each others hearts, maybe that’s the way our story would always go. but that doesn’t mean that our love wasn’t true, that we didn’t love each other with everything we had. maybe we never stood a chance to be more than that in this life, but maybe somewhere else we could be. maybe we could have been better for each other if only we let down our walls. if only we stopped to love each other rather than trying to find love in other people. my love we could have been so much more that what we were. and i came so close to seeing your heart before you broke mine. but the story was always going to be the same, we would always destroy each other in the name of love. 

–she always said love was a kind of killing.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i love you, always [x] i loved you, almost [x] I think I’ll love you forever [x]

in a few days you will leave, 

and i’ll be left with a broken heart.

i never knew the monster at the end of our book would be time, 

we were supposed to have forever to fall back together. 

you told me you broke it off with him, 

that you fell out of love. 

darling, 

you will be my biggest regret, 

i wasted so many months hoping you’d give me a second chance, 

and now it’s gone as fast as it came. 

maybe one day we’ll get our chance, 

until then i’ll settle with our almost,

somewhere out there i believe that we are together in another world,

another life.

and i’m the one who makes you happy.

– i love you, always [x] i loved you, almost [x] I think I’ll love you forever [x]

Posted on by tashjcurry

she’s in love with somebody else.

You told me you love her as we sat outside, dawn was approaching, the cold setting in, at this point of our story alone you already have broken my heart too many times to count now. My heart shattered once again, why did I ever think this could be a happy story, why did I think we could have been something more than this, more than friends. I know you don’t love me, but I want you to know now because I’ve had too many sleepless nights wishing you were in my arms knowing you were in hers. And I want you to be happy, that’s all I wanted but the thought of you and her just kills me. I could tell you how long I’ve felt like this but somewhere overs the years my feeling for you kinda stuck up on me, looking back they were always there but I never believed anything could come of it because I couldn’t bare it if you didn’t love me, and I didn’t want another unrequited love. So those feeling I push back down into a box I would never open because I fear if I ever did I would have lost you. As we sat I could feel my heart aching as you said those words, the ones I  longed to say about you. There was only once maybe there could have been the possibility of you and me,  but as we stayed there words between us, all the ones I never said, all those I should have said to you when I had the chance. There was a pain hidden in my eyes but darling you could read me like a book. Somewhere deep down I think you knew how I felt, I had years to tell you I should never had waited till the end to write this hoping you’d see that it should have been me, that I wanted you. All I ever wanted was you. 

– she’s in love with somebody else.

Posted on by tashjcurry

but till that days comes, you will always be my biggest ‘what if’.

I think love for you will always be there 

in the stories, poetry, letters 

that I never sent.

Our love was not one to be remembered 

in the history books. 

It was not a great love story, an epic romance,

it would fade with time,

Like we did.

Maybe one day I can finally

let you go. 

But today is not that day,

and I will love you till that

day comes.

But until then 

I hope you know that I

held onto us for as long as I could.

Until those three words lost there meaning.

Maybe one day I will write about someone

other than you.

– but till that days comes, you will always be my biggest ‘what if’.

Posted on by tashjcurry

an unrequited love. a series by me, part one

If someone had told me five years ago, when this began, that this one girl would have been so important in my story.

I wouldn’t have believed you.

If someone told me that I would eventually fall for you, I would have laughed it off, hell even a year ago it wouldn’t have even passed my mind, the thought of loving you. Yet here we are and I’m sat writing this, rather than telling you how I feel.

So here lies a series of letters for you, for me. To be able to get this off my chest. To maybe, finally start to let you go.

Let’s begin where I realised I saw you as more than a friend. I couldn’t pin point the moment I started to like you, it probably creeped it’s way in over time because honestly it was impossible for someone not to love you. But for me it was probably around Christmas time, on that cold December night. The snow hadn’t started to fall yet but I always hoped it would. We were on a night out, which happened every Christmas and you looked beautiful as always. Up to this moment in time I’d had some pretty fleeting moments with you, which started to lead me to falling down that rabbit hole of endless possibilities of maybes of hopes of some days. Like maybe, just maybe this could mean something, this could be real, you and me. We were always playful, that constant back a forth. I never thought I’d have to question it, that it was our thing we’d always been like that since the day we met, but how wrong was I, you did this with everyone and I wasn’t special. And it hurt because I wanted to mean something to you.

You were the only one holding together my broken heart, because on that night I saw her again. I hadn’t seen her for almost a year since she left, and I know she was your friend but I had loved her for a long time but I could never call her mine, I never had the chance because she had him. And she deserved better, she deserved someone who would love her wholeheartedly. It didn’t help that a few weeks before that night you told me that she ended it, and she deserved so much better than him and a part of me always wished I could have had that chance, if only I had the courage, if only I had found the right words. But if I ever did, my heartbreak, this story wouldn’t have led me to you.

It was under the neon lights where she looked happier, care free, like the girl I had loved all those months ago. She was with some of her friends laughing and dancing to the music, but when our eyes finally met, she smiled and somewhere, somehow we collided in the mists of people like nothing else mattered and honestly I melted into her arms and everything for a second fell back into place, like we hadn’t been apart, like nothing had changed. Like she didn’t leave me with a broken heart all those months ago. We held each other for what felt like an eternity but I knew I needed to let go.

That’s enough about her, this was always going to be about you and me.

After that reunion I needed some air but somehow I always found my way back to you after I finished chatting to some people I knew outside. You were in the middle of the dance floor, you’d had a few drinks but that never stopped you, you always went after what you wanted, what made you happy. You pulled me in for a dance, and I hate dancing but I never minded it when it was with you but we were interrupted by the guy who had a crush on you, and he took you away to ‘talk‘. And you left me watching as you went. As the night flew by, with a few fleeting glances here and there, I called it a night.

I went to say goodbye to her I needed to let her go but foolishly I let myself be pulled back in to our bubble, she made me feel like we were the only two in the room. I knew that I wouldn’t see her again for a long time so I gave in, as she was in my arms I held her tight trying to savor the moment like nothing else mattered as she buried her head into my chest, we stood like that on the dance floor for quite some time, it was now or never and I stupidly let slip that I missed her, she laughed and tighten her grip on me. My heart rapidly beated out my chest waiting for her response. “I miss you too”. You broke my heart for a second time that night and I knew I had to leave and it pained me as tried to remember how safe I felt in your arms. No matter what I felt for her I would always come back to you.

You were at the bar when I found you, and as we said goodnight you pulled me into your arms. You were never a hugger but I like to think that with me that changed. As I pulled to go, you kissed my cheek and I havent forgotten it since.

It was that one that cold December night when you kissed me everything changed, but sometimes I wish it didn’t because out of all these crushes and hopeless fantasies, you’re the one that I don’t think I can get over, the one I can’t forget.

love always.

tash