as we sat in ‘our’ little coffee shop, on the corner, over looking the gardens with passers by walking down the street. i turned to look at you and i was entranced in a memory, deja vu washed over me. it had been so long since we’d been here, together. it had been so long since i saw you last. we were sat opposite each other like we used too, but now there was this noticeable distance between us, made up from months apart and maybe the realisation that i had loved you as more than a friend. i wanted to tell you that it had been a long year without you darling. i hated not being in your life, i hated you leaving, i hated the missed chances but most of all i hated the hollow feeling in my heart. i still couldn’t believe that you were here with me, in the hear and now, it felt foreign, almost like a dream. you still made my palm sweaty and my heart race. the year had been so long yet i was still in love with you and i couldn’t keep lying to myself. there was so much i wanted to say, so much i needed to confess but you were happy so i exhaled and smiled, listened to your stories about your travels and hoped that it would be enough to mend my broken heart. i hoped it would be enough to move on, to let you go. 

–if only i could have told you i was in love with you as winter turned to spring.