i know
you will be all consuming,
there’s butterflies
and my hearts racing.
i forgot what it felt like,
having a crush.
there’s that fine line
not knowing what will become of us,
it could be nothing
or it could be everything.
you could become everything.
everything to me.
–this all consuming crush, will my heart take it.
one day i hope you can forgive me for all the words i left unsaid. especially for all the letters left in the envelopes with your name that never reached your mailbox, they were left in a desk draw with parts of my heart just waiting for you. for all the birthday and christmas cards i missed, all the texts i left on read, the replies i never could bring myself to send. i hope you can forgive me, especially for the words, the one i never said. those three words, eight letters. the ones i should have said while i still had the chance.
– i was careless with our time, my words and my heart.
You looked exactly the same as you did five years ago, there was this sense of familiarity in your eyes, but you were a completely different person then, you use to make me happy. When I saw you my heart stopped, I was seventeen again. I was back there on your porch in the poring rain, you were crying in my arms, an amicable silence fell between us. You broke your heart that night and I let you.
It’s been so long my dear, we’ve changed, we drifted apart. We forgot each other. I still remember the girl I loved, the girl you were, but you’re not that person I fell in love with many years ago, and I’m not the same guy who loved you.
When I saw you with him, our love came back in waves of echo’s and all those thoughts and feelings I forgot over the years came flooding back. And for a brief second I was seventeen again and completely, madly in love with you.
– you looked like the girl i loved, yet you weren’t her.
I can’t want this anymore,
I can’t want you anymore.
I don’t want to write about the possibility of us when
I know this isn’t a story of you and me.
It never was.
It never will be.
I need to find a new love,
someone I can love,
someone who will love me.
That will be the story,
the one I want to write.
– i want to write a different story, one where the hero ends up happy.
By the law of the multiverse there must be a universe out there where I made the right choices and they led me to loving you. But on the other hand my dear, there’s so many different stories, endless possibilities, questionable choices I must have made. And the heartbreaking realisation…that fatal conclusion that out there somewhere there’s a universe in which where we don’t end up together.
So there must be a universe where we’re together. I hope in that universe I didn’t wait until the end of the story to tell you that I loved you, that it was always you. That it should have been you from the very beginning, I’m sorry my love I got lost in someone else eyes, when it should have been you I was falling for. In this universe, the one in which I’m writing this I never told you how much you meant to me. I waited too long, I never found the right words. There was never the right time and you my love found somebody else. But somewhere, in another time, another world I hope I found the right words, I hope you found me amongst these pages. I hope I found you.
There’s a universe one in which when we met all those years ago when we were young and in love, we never had to go down separate paths forced by fate. We were never given a choice to choose each other in that story. And at the end, after everything, after all of those labours we faced we were told we couldn’t find our way back to each other, that it was the will of the gods. How cruel that the universes got to decide if we could ever be together, after everything, all those sacrifices. After being separated for centuries at the hands of the gods our love became forgotten by history, and I guess we slowly forgot too. But this time, in this story the laws of the universe, fate, the gods could never separate us again because falling in love with one another was our fate all along, and that should have been our story.
But those are just other dreams, memories, distant stories of hopes of maybe and might have beens.
There’s a universe where we never met, and we go our whole lives missing something that we can never find. And the sad thing is that we would never know what we’re missing. There are ones where we are strangers who never connected, passing one another on the street pained with a heavy feeling in their chests.
There had to be one story, the one wrong universe where we couldn’t have had a happy ending. There had to be one universe my love, and it was a tragedy that it had to be this one. I hope you find these words in whatever time my love, the ones I longed to stay but never did.
I’m sorry for all I never said, all of the things you never heard in this universe. Maybe we’ll be happy in the next, maybe in another life. Maybe, just maybe.
Here lies my love for you, scattered in words unspoken, letters I’ve never sent. It would only be here in my words with the hope that one day you would read them.
If you love someone don’t wait to tell them. I always make excuses that it was never the right time, never the right moment. I had months to tell you that I loved you. But I didn’t because honestly I was scared. Because loving you terrifies me, and I know deep down you’re the only person who can hurt me. I never thought I would have fallen for you, but after all these years how could I not. Love never did come easy to me and I could never hold on, it always slipped through my fingers. I knew you would break my heart, and you did because you found her.
I wanted to tell you everything but I couldn’t ruin what we have. You are one of the only good things in my life. I couldn’t lose you. And to be honest I couldn’t hear those words out your mouth
“I’m sorry. I don’t love you in that way”.
So how do you kill a feeling? Here are all these words left unsaid buried with my love for you. Where the thought of us can be laid to rest with the all the hopes of maybes and might have beens. I want you to be happy and you deserve her, you deserve love. And I know you think you don’t, but my love you deserve it the most. I just hope your happy, I hope she makes you happy.
Maybe one day you’ll realise everything I ever wrote was about you. And I hope you’ll know that whenever your reading this, if you ever find these words in another place, another time.
I loved you, and I’m sorry I never did tell you sooner.
But you’re happy so I guess something after better left unsaid.
There’s a universe out there, one in which we will never meet. One where we never fall in love and break each others hearts. Maybe that’s the universe I want because I wouldn’t be hurting right now. We would never have ended up like this. But that’s another story, an easier one. But it would have been a very different tale, and it wouldn’t have made me into the person I am today. You changed me and maybe I’ll never truly understand why we ended the way we did but because of you I found peace in these words.
– without you i could never have wrote these tales of a lost love.
She reminds me of you and at times I have to stop myself from calling out your name.
How is it that I managed to stop looking for you in the eyes of others but when I look at her all I can see if you. When I look at her my heart tightens in anticipation of it breaking again, you still sometimes come back in echo’s. She’s not you darling but she could be and that thought terrifies me because this isn’t that story, I won’t let it happen again. I won’t write that ending a second time.
I feel like I’m seventeen again wanting to find that piece of myself in an old feeling hidden amongst pages. Somehow I’m still finding you in other people and nothing scares me more than the thought of your name on my lips. I believed I could finally be at peace, that after all this time you still find a way back onto these pages long after your chapter ended.
– even after years the thought of you still being somewhere in my heart terrifies me.
My love,
I was never meant to fall in love with you. It was something I always told myself I could not do, because it would ruin everything. And I don’t want to ruin you. But somewhere over the last few months, I couldn’t help it. I tried to fight those feelings these past few years, and I think I made myself believe that it worked. But it hadn’t not really. Those feeling I kept hidden were in my blood, they were scattered in my words, you were suddenly everywhere.
I’m not asking for you to feel the same way because I don’t think you know what you want yet, and that’s okay, and maybe you wont ever feel the same way about me. But I need to tell you how I feel because if I don’t it might kill me. When we met, we were so young I was still figuring myself out but you always seemed so head strong, you seemed to know what you wanted and you went after that and to be honest I was envious that you could just do that, somethings haven’t change you always make me smile. When the summer came you left me for the first time, and all I remember was I didn’t like that absence, I missed you. As we grew over the summer we both made choices I choice to say where you always seemed to choice to leave, which it hurt but it was your choice. You were always good at leaving me, and with the final one, with our last chapter coming to a close I don’t think I can forgive you, I just want more time, that this can’t be the end, not without you hearing these words. Every so often you left me, but you always came back I never did like saying goodbye to you even if it wasn’t really a goodbye just a see you soon. We did this for a couple of years and those feelings that I felt for you became dormant I was able to get on with my life without the thought of missing you, I moved on, kissed over people, fell in love with people I knew I shouldn’t. But I guess in the end they wouldn’t hurt as much as you.
As we came back together, we always clashed. We fought but it was never out of hate, I think it was because we loved one another in someway. I couldn’t tell you when I fell in love with you but I did. I never told you but you were always the one I wanted to tell everything too. I wish I had the courage to send you this letter, to just tell you how I feel, that maybe this could be more than one-sided, an unrequited love.
You told me things I wish I never heard, for me to picture you with someone else was heart-wrenching because sometimes I wished I could be that person for you, the one you wanted. And what was worse that some nights the ones you can’t remember you tried to kiss me, and I just couldn’t let you because it wouldn’t be a meaningless kiss for me, sometimes I wish it could be. But you don’t know who you’re looking for, and I don’t know if I’d fit into your life into your heart. In the moments we’re alone we’re always touching and sometimes darling it gives me hope that you could like me, but every time it happens I push these feelings down because if I don’t I’m scared that I’ll do something and it will ruin us, who’d have thought a kiss from your lips would be that dangerous? That my love for you could be our downfall.
I’m jealous, and it pains me to say it, he’s kissed you and you’ve slept with her, and I’m here writing you this letter hoping one day you’ll feel the same. You’re a pipe dream and I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish just for once the girl I love feels the same way. Maybe one day. In another life, I wouldn’t feel like this. Theres a universe somewhere… I can’t keep hoping like this that maybe you could be as madly in love with me as I am with you.
You will leave, and it wont be like the first time because I know in my heart you wont be coming back. After everything I don’t want to lose this, lose you. I never thought I’d have to write an ending for you, because somewhere I always believed you’d stay. That you could have been the one to stay.
Our story would read, for one fell in love and the other would leave never knowing you broke their heart. When you leave you will break this heart, and somewhere I’ll still be here hoping you’ll come back. I love you, more than I ever knew, maybe one day you’ll know or maybe one day you’ll finally read these words and realise they are meant for you.
We never followed our hearts, maybe they could have brought us together. But as the years passed we were always close but never together, not really. You went off to follow your dreams, I never followed I always stayed. You always came back, but as our time is fading, this feels final, like this is the end. That we wont get this chance ever again. I never took that chance with you, but heres the thing I’ve still got time before you walk out that door and leave me. So if this is my last chance to love you, give me a sign, let me know that you feel something too because I don’t know if I can’t live with us being unfinished or a possibility that we could have always been more if only we had listened to our hearts.
-my love for you burned for so long those embers set fire to my heart.//t.c
tash writes 