Posted on by tashjcurry

i was careless with our time, my words and my heart.

one day i hope you can forgive me for all the words i left unsaid. especially for all the letters left in the envelopes with your name that never reached your mailbox, they were left in a desk draw with parts of my heart just waiting for you. for all the birthday and christmas cards i missed, all the texts i left on read, the replies i never could bring myself to send. i hope you can forgive me, especially for the words, the one i never said. those three words, eight letters. the ones i should have said while i still had the chance. 

– i was careless with our time, my words and my heart.

Posted on by tashjcurry

if only i could have told you i was in love with you as winter turned to spring.

as we sat in ‘our’ little coffee shop, on the corner, over looking the gardens with passers by walking down the street. i turned to look at you and i was entranced in a memory, deja vu washed over me. it had been so long since we’d been here, together. it had been so long since i saw you last. we were sat opposite each other like we used too, but now there was this noticeable distance between us, made up from months apart and maybe the realisation that i had loved you as more than a friend. i wanted to tell you that it had been a long year without you darling. i hated not being in your life, i hated you leaving, i hated the missed chances but most of all i hated the hollow feeling in my heart. i still couldn’t believe that you were here with me, in the hear and now, it felt foreign, almost like a dream. you still made my palm sweaty and my heart race. the year had been so long yet i was still in love with you and i couldn’t keep lying to myself. there was so much i wanted to say, so much i needed to confess but you were happy so i exhaled and smiled, listened to your stories about your travels and hoped that it would be enough to mend my broken heart. i hoped it would be enough to move on, to let you go. 

–if only i could have told you i was in love with you as winter turned to spring.

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supermarket checkouts, darling i’d like to buy a new heart.

i saw you in the supermarket, this time it wasn’t a dream. there were so many times i wanted to see you, so many times i wanted to reach out just to ask you how you’ve been. tell you that i miss you. there was so many things i wanted to tell you, so many things i should have told you.

but there you were, stood at the checkout, i didn’t see you first but i saw her and my heart i knew you there, and seconds later you were by her side. i don’t think you saw me, i’m grateful you didn’t. i stoped for a second, i held my breath and my heart didn’t break at the sight of you two, maybe i had finally let you go. i did feel sad, i think i always will with missed opportunities, especially when it comes to you. i allowed myself to look just for a moment, you hadn’t changed but then again i couldn’t say that, two years past and at first it felt like an eternity. isn’t it sad that we lost touch but i couldn’t have loved you like this when you loved her. and i always will say this, i’m glad you’re happy, you deserve it. i loved you for too long without saying anything so i can’t blame you for loving another. 

as i was leaving i expected you to be gone. i didn’t have to hold my breath, my heart went back to normal. yet there you were walking towards the flowers, towards her, your home. i took one last look and walked towards the exit hoping my heart would do the same. 

–supermarket checkouts, darling i’d like to by a new heart. 

Posted on by tashjcurry

i wish i could have saved our friendship

nothing ever prepared me for losing you. i remember that feeling, the pit in my chest when i knew you started to pull away from me. i wish now looking back we could have just talked about it, i never wanted her. i would have always chosen you, every time because i loved you. but you never talked about it, you never gave me that chance but i guess you were just protecting your heart. i remember our last trip, i wish i could remember it clearly, i wish i could remember the way you smiled and the sound of your laugh. i wanted so badly for that trip to make you realise you didn’t have to make that decision for us, that we could have worked it out, that it was worth working it out. i think that was the last time you loved me, i wonder if it broke your heart like it did mine. for me i couldn’t stop that easily, how do you manage to cut someone out your life like that. you were my best friend. it was hard leaving knowing what was to come when we touched down, it was like trying to savour every moment whilst your heart was slowly breaking. i remember holding your hand until we got back home, the realisation setting in that we’d have to let go and i wasn’t going to. with one squeeze i looked into your eyes, i was already tearing up as i pulled you into me, hoping it would convey everything i tried to say in our last embrace. we knew we’d have to let go eventually but we just stayed there holding each other. i was never prepared for watching you walk out my life. 

– i wish i could have saved our friendship. 

Posted on by tashjcurry

time heals everything but you

i hate the how they say time heals all wounds, truth be told it doesn’t. because it still hurts the sound of your name, a fading memory, the old pictures. my heart breaks still when i see you, it’s less frequent now and i don’t know if i should be relived or just sad because we’re not the same, you not the person i fell in love with. our conversations become shorter, the texts i send never get a reply. i hate how time has done this to us. 

i love you and time has made a mockery of my words because darling there’s still so much i have to say but i just don’t know how. it’s not like before. we’re not as close as we once were, but i still miss you like it was yesterday. darling i have these words, i just wouldn’t know where to start. maybe i’m holding onto something that ended long ago and time still hasn’t caught up with my heart telling me it’s time to move on, to let you go. 

i wish i could heal and move on, find someone new. instead of trying to write chapters of a book that finished years ago. i’ve been in love with you for seven years and there are too many unsaid ‘i love you’s’, scattered in these letters. so many words unsaid left in this broken heart of mine, these letters of a lost love just fading, left to dust after all these years. 

darling, these words never sounded the same after you.

–time heals everything but you. 

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my last christmas wish

this was the first christmas where i wasn’t missing you, i wasn’t sad that you weren’t with me. it didn’t snow this year but sometimes we don’t get everything we wished for. it was the year where i could finally sit and watch ‘la la land’ without crying in the final fifteen minutes. i was happy, content with the fact that this year my heart didn’t ache like it used too when the cold came and the nights became darker. i think i was finally healing after so long of breaking. i didn’t miss you, but in the last few minutes as the clock was going to strike dawn i did think of you and hoped you were happy. that i wish you nothing but the best for you my love. but the final wish was for me not you, too many of them had been for you. next year i would ask for love, and as the last days of december approached i hoped that for the new year would bring me some joy. but then in the last few minutes under the christmas lights, the movie playing in the background i allowed myself to think of you, one last time. 

–my last christmas wish.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i loved you within these memories

I know I’m lost, but I’m somewhere within these memories. Yet I know I should leave, that I can’t stay. But there is peace in knowing somewhere within these memories I’m still with you. 

I’m trying to remember the good, that maybe if we got a second chance things would be different. That we could have been different, if only to forget. I just don’t want to forget what we had, and all these memories. I know with time, we’ll fade, that it’ll be gone. I just want to enjoy those memories of you. Those were the times where I was happy. 

The world will forget by the ones who forgot we were there in the sunshine of their spotless minds, each one accepting they will never remember those memories like they were when it happened, but for a second they’ll be happy never knowing what they lost. 

I wish to remember, I really do. But I know I’ll have to leave those memories soon, even if it breaks my heart to leave. I just want you to know that I wish I could’ve stayed.

– i loved you within these memories.

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the cold botheres me but not as much as you.

It’s coming up to that time of the year again. The seasons were changing, and so did we. Just like the winter, you became cold. As the leaves fall so did we. I used to love the winter, the cold, the darkness, but now our memories like our love turned to snow and vanish among the wind. The dark nights remind me of you, the light in you eyes fading, no hope of warmth in your heart.

– the cold botheres me but not as much as you.

Posted on by tashjcurry

i miss you in december, sometimes i wish i didn’t.

I hope you know all these poems are for you, my love. I miss you but mostly in December, on a cold winters night. My one wish, most years is that you were here with me, in my arms listing to the crackle of the fire, trying to keep the chill from our bones, looking out to the stars wishing for the snow. 

– i miss you in december, sometimes i wish i didn’t. 

Posted on by tashjcurry

i just needed you to know.

when i got to the end,

with the last words 

you ever said to me

echoed through the pages.

i realised here were all 

the things i left unsaid.

the things i should have said,

the things i regret,

the things i needed you to hear.

so i will wait

for the day

for you

to read these words 

and realise for me

the story never ended

not really.

– i just needed you to know.