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it was the night before december and all was well.

it had been years, and the feelings i had for you became easier to live with. but it was that night in november when i saw you again. i had seen you from a distance from across the room and my heart just ached. i didn’t expect to feel this way again. yet it came to the end of the night as i was saying my goodbyes, i couldn’t leave without seeing you, i wouldn’t have forgiven myself. you were at the bar, my hand naturally went to reach out for you, as you turned around, you smiled. and in that moment i was twenty-one again, completely and madly in love with you. as you hugged me, relief washed over me as i held on to you tighter. i had forgotten how you made me feel. and in that moment i missed you and everything we could have been if only we had the time. as we broke our embrace, your hand went to cup my face, you looked into my eyes. i hope you saw everything i meant to say all those years ago. it had been years but every time i would see you, it was like those feelings never truly left. 

– it was the night before december and all was well.

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i was careless with our time, my words and my heart.

one day i hope you can forgive me for all the words i left unsaid. especially for all the letters left in the envelopes with your name that never reached your mailbox, they were left in a desk draw with parts of my heart just waiting for you. for all the birthday and christmas cards i missed, all the texts i left on read, the replies i never could bring myself to send. i hope you can forgive me, especially for the words, the one i never said. those three words, eight letters. the ones i should have said while i still had the chance. 

– i was careless with our time, my words and my heart.

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if only i could have told you i was in love with you as winter turned to spring.

as we sat in ‘our’ little coffee shop, on the corner, over looking the gardens with passers by walking down the street. i turned to look at you and i was entranced in a memory, deja vu washed over me. it had been so long since we’d been here, together. it had been so long since i saw you last. we were sat opposite each other like we used too, but now there was this noticeable distance between us, made up from months apart and maybe the realisation that i had loved you as more than a friend. i wanted to tell you that it had been a long year without you darling. i hated not being in your life, i hated you leaving, i hated the missed chances but most of all i hated the hollow feeling in my heart. i still couldn’t believe that you were here with me, in the hear and now, it felt foreign, almost like a dream. you still made my palm sweaty and my heart race. the year had been so long yet i was still in love with you and i couldn’t keep lying to myself. there was so much i wanted to say, so much i needed to confess but you were happy so i exhaled and smiled, listened to your stories about your travels and hoped that it would be enough to mend my broken heart. i hoped it would be enough to move on, to let you go. 

–if only i could have told you i was in love with you as winter turned to spring.

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supermarket checkouts, darling i’d like to buy a new heart.

i saw you in the supermarket, this time it wasn’t a dream. there were so many times i wanted to see you, so many times i wanted to reach out just to ask you how you’ve been. tell you that i miss you. there was so many things i wanted to tell you, so many things i should have told you.

but there you were, stood at the checkout, i didn’t see you first but i saw her and my heart i knew you there, and seconds later you were by her side. i don’t think you saw me, i’m grateful you didn’t. i stoped for a second, i held my breath and my heart didn’t break at the sight of you two, maybe i had finally let you go. i did feel sad, i think i always will with missed opportunities, especially when it comes to you. i allowed myself to look just for a moment, you hadn’t changed but then again i couldn’t say that, two years past and at first it felt like an eternity. isn’t it sad that we lost touch but i couldn’t have loved you like this when you loved her. and i always will say this, i’m glad you’re happy, you deserve it. i loved you for too long without saying anything so i can’t blame you for loving another. 

as i was leaving i expected you to be gone. i didn’t have to hold my breath, my heart went back to normal. yet there you were walking towards the flowers, towards her, your home. i took one last look and walked towards the exit hoping my heart would do the same. 

–supermarket checkouts, darling i’d like to by a new heart. 

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like icarus my love we came too close to the sun. 

oh my darling, 

they will call you icarus  

for loving the sun too fiercely

what a tragedy

to yearn for something 

you’ll never be able to touch

without getting burned. 

my poor icarus,

oh how you will burn for love,

yet to only feel it once

my heart breaks for you.

history will remember you,

for being the first to fly 

that close to the sun just to feel 

it’s warmth.

they’ll also remember you for

your fall from grace

into the icy depths of the sea

but you never feared falling,

it was the not knowing 

how it felt to be loved by the sun.

i’m sorry my love,

for history will forget 

your sun kissed heart. 

– like icarus my love we came too close to the sun. 

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i wish i could have saved our friendship

nothing ever prepared me for losing you. i remember that feeling, the pit in my chest when i knew you started to pull away from me. i wish now looking back we could have just talked about it, i never wanted her. i would have always chosen you, every time because i loved you. but you never talked about it, you never gave me that chance but i guess you were just protecting your heart. i remember our last trip, i wish i could remember it clearly, i wish i could remember the way you smiled and the sound of your laugh. i wanted so badly for that trip to make you realise you didn’t have to make that decision for us, that we could have worked it out, that it was worth working it out. i think that was the last time you loved me, i wonder if it broke your heart like it did mine. for me i couldn’t stop that easily, how do you manage to cut someone out your life like that. you were my best friend. it was hard leaving knowing what was to come when we touched down, it was like trying to savour every moment whilst your heart was slowly breaking. i remember holding your hand until we got back home, the realisation setting in that we’d have to let go and i wasn’t going to. with one squeeze i looked into your eyes, i was already tearing up as i pulled you into me, hoping it would convey everything i tried to say in our last embrace. we knew we’d have to let go eventually but we just stayed there holding each other. i was never prepared for watching you walk out my life. 

– i wish i could have saved our friendship. 

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i can finally say time has healed all memory of you.

it was on that rainy november night three hearts broke. as we stood in the pouring rain on your porch steps, the cold seeping it’s way into my bones. i stood facing the women i loved, i knew a chapter was closing as i reached for her hand, the tears falling from her face. for i knew in my heart it wasn’t just the chapter ending it was the book. there was nothing left to do, there was nothing i could do she made the choice for the both of us. we wouldn’t be the same after this. there would be nothing left after that night. 

the rain pored down but it didn’t matter as we were in our own world, if was the last time i’d ever see her i should have held her tighter. we just stood holding each other. i kept saying ‘it’s okay’, that was lie i told myself and it didn’t help. what i should have said was ‘ i love you. please don’t give up on us’. 

i remember leaving, walking away from you, my heart broke with every step. i walked your street so many times i didn’t know it would become a memory from another time when i left. i never thought then you’d become a memory. but you made that choice for me, so there was no other option. you became a memory constantly fading from my heart ever since i left you on that porch in the pouring rain. 

oh how you broke so many hearts. 

–i can finally say time has healed all memory of you. 

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it was one of the many versions of us.

there would be no happy endings.

for history would no allow 

two lovers to end up happy

not here, not now

nor this place.

it was not their fate.

but by the laws of the universe,

the morals of stories,

maybe if we could rewrite history,

there would have to be…

there’s got to be somewhere…

there has to be a place 

where we’re happy,

where we’re not some forgotten tragedy.

and that’s enough for me 

knowing we exist somewhere,

a better place than here,

the life we live now.

that there’s different incarnations of us,

parallel stories, second chances

because i can’t believe, 

i wont accept 

we only get the one story, 

the one lifetime. 

because for me i’d always want more. 

and if i could, i’d love you in every life.

i hope you know i would. 

and sometimes it breaks my heart 

knowing it wasn’t here and now.

–it was one of the many versions of us. 

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first love, lessons learned.

your first love was a boy, who was handsome, hot headed, heartless is what he became. i’m sorry he never cared for you or anybody else, for i think he just craved love and was never satisfied with the feeling. and i know you loved him longer than you should. but as the years passed you loved others but i don’t think you liked the whole idea of the lessons learned by loosing, by your heartbreaking, by leaving. 

you hated him, the way he used you but you hated him more because you still loved him even when he left, it took years to shake that feeling. that young love tainted with remorse. i hated the way i’d always ask myself:

‘why was i never enough for you’.

‘why did you fucking leave me…. over and over again’.

‘why did i let you take my love because you never deserved it’.

i hate that in the years we spent together, your anger became mine, you never gave me love just hatred. 

you were a broken boy and foolishly i loved you with everything i had, but with all that anger and all that hatred i never feared falling because you never made me whole darling, so tell me how could i break?

-first love, lessons learned.

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every winter i long for that warmth.

I remember our first kiss; we were walking down the street in the cool September air, I never told you that your touch warmed those seventeen winters in my bones with those sixteen summers in yours. You warmed my broken soul. As the winters went on, as the years we were apart, I tried to hold on to the memories we had but the cold came and my hands went numb, I felt the cold come through the cracks in my soul, the parts that had slowly started to mend, fell apart.

The cold tormented me for a very long time, until everything I was became cold and numb. I was hollow, nothing but a shell of the person who loved you then. Nothing could warm me, not even our memories. And even now sometimes winter reminds me of how cold I became, how broken I was…and sometimes I still wish for your warmth. 

I was consumed, that winter broke me apart. It felt like when I lost you a light went out and the darkness came, but it didn’t happen straight way. It was always there just out of reach waiting for me to break. The darkness never bothered me, not until you, I guess it wouldn’t until I had my first heartbreak. Not till you broke my heart. 

It wasn’t like I hadn’t been hurt before, it wasn’t because I’d lost people that I loved, because I had. But this was the one that I struggled to let go of. Everything that came before seemed so much simpler, easier to forget… I don’t know if it was because I was getting older, maybe more mature, maybe I was letting you affect me more than anymore else ever did. Maybe after everything I did I wanted to feel something other than numbness. 

I never let you in, not really. And that was a tragedy in it’s self because I could have loved you more than these words that tried to hold me together, the ones I write when I try to remember us and all we could have been. There was a time where I wished we could have been more than this, there was a time where I wished I could have been more for you. If I knew then what choice I was going to make, I would have held onto your warmth until it burned. 

– every winter i long for that warmth.